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Queen bed
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  • We went with a couple on a trip a while back to a cabin. They slept in an upstairs bedroom and we were in the bedroom below. One night, I initiated thinking that the couple upstairs wouldn’t hear. My wife was a little uneasy but went along with it until she got a text mid-session. Thankfully it was not the other couple, but that fear ended things for both of us.

    A few days after our return, the wife of the other couple asked my wife if we “heard anything” one of the nights. Evidently they had similar fears on their end during one of their sessions.

    I say this to because, to be honest, I think sleeping in the same room is bad on several different levels. First, it can tap in to some unhealthy exhibitionist feelings. Secondly, it does not consider the well being of the other couple. And finally, nothing kills the mood like the fear of realizing the two above points mid-session. If you want to make love, get your own room or ask the couple to give you an hour alone. (I prefer the former of those two options.) But I would talk this through with your husband – I don’t think it’s wise.

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  • SMCF’s response is right on.  I’m going to add some additional tools God has used to help me.

    Find an accountability partner.  And a good one.  Mine has, in the past texted or called me when I failed to follow up.  He’s asked me really tough questions.  But sharing this struggle with someone is a vital way God addresses it.

    Find ways to “lock and throw away the keys.”  I use (or have used) many of the following:

    • If you’re tech-savy, put a DNS filter (such as OpenDNS) on your router and give your accountability partner the password.  I’ve even used their email address so I can’t do the old “forgot my password” trick.
    • If you’re not as tech-savy, you can download programs like ColdTurkey and block Adult websites for a month or something like that (you’ll have to repeat that process to continually block it, but it’s good because it works across multiple browsers and won’t give you any access.)
    • xBlock for your iPhone or iPad (not sure if it’s on Android.)  Again, password protect it and give it to your accountability partner.
    • You can even use something like CovenantEyes (I personally haven’t, but I know it’s good and their program 40 Days to Overcome is excellent.)

    Again, hope these help.  And as was mentioned above, the only way you can truly defeat this is if you plunge even more in to your love for God.  All our hearts are idol factories – porn is a big one, but it can easily be replaced with many other idols.  Instead, focus on the root of the problem (our sin) and how the love of God has overcome that.

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  • Queen bed Asked on May 5, 2020 in Question of the Day.

      Been married coming up on 6 years.  First two was our best – more carefree times.  After that, we’ve faced a lot of challenges with kids, depression, etc.  But, praise God, I would say we’ve always been happily married.

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    • I have a funny story – we were in Cancun on our honeymoon at an all inclusive resort.  Slept in late, woke up the next morning and decided to do the deed.  We finished, and decided to cuddle.  We then think we hear something, and suddenly the maid opens the door to clean our room.  It was only 9:00!  Now, thankfully, she couldn’t see us, and my wife (who speaks spanish) explained we were in there, so she apologized and left.  But man, it was a close one.  (And we’re thankful she didn’t walk in ten minutes earlier, as we likely wouldn’t have heard her.)  So, if you’re planning on having a good time, always put the “Do Not Distrub” on your door. 

      Also… who cleans a room at 9:00 at an all-inclusive resort?!  Haha.

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    • Queen bed Asked on April 23, 2020 in Pregnancy and Postpartum.

        Husband here – and I believe my comment was the one referenced.

        I had a much longer post that didn’t post for some reason, so here’s my really brief answer:

        For starters, as Doug commented, you can’t group all men together.

        For me, I found (and still find) my wife attractive. However, pregnancy/postpartum wrecked her sex drive and she then struggled with Postpartum Depression, so the meds and the baby meant she had little interest in sex. We once went over a month without sex due to gate keeping.

        Let me be clear – that is NO reason for lust. It wasn’t her fault or anything like that. However, I was spiritually unprepared to deal with that and struggled because of it. Thanks to this group and other resources, we were much better prepared for baby two.

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      • Queen bed Asked on April 22, 2020 in Pregnancy and Postpartum.

          Also – to those reading this post, I think this is a big area that we as Christians need to speak more to.  I know I struggled with lust more during my wife’s postpartum weeks than any other time in our relationship.  We need to be preparing young husbands and wives for this season a little better.  (End of soapbox rant.)

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        • Queen bed Asked on April 22, 2020 in Pregnancy and Postpartum.

            Agree with most here – talk about it before hand.  Identify your needs and that this is one area you do need help in still.  And, I wouldn’t be afraid to schedule it – maybe it’s a certain night(s) of the week, and maybe you can do something specific for her during that time, as well.  (Pick up dinner,  do a specific chore, indulge her with something she wants, etc.)  Ask her if there is specific touches/actions she would not be up for (example – my wife did not want any groping of her breasts during the breastfeeding months.) But communication is ideal.  Communicate on the subject and often.

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          • Just a quick comment: for starters, sorry to hear about your situation.  One recommendation that will help somewhat: initiate conversations that will make you look to the positives rather than the negatives.  By that, I mean read a devotional and scripture together with your wife and discuss it.  Also, before signing off, each list off the best part of your day and something you’re thankful for.  And it can be little and insignificant – mine has been my Audible book, my walk around the neighborhood, etc.  But positive responses will breed positive conversations in times like this.  My dad always told me when you think right, you’ll do right, which will make you feel right.  Perhaps overly simplistic, but still a good thought.

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          • My wife and I did not have sex prior to marriage.  When married, I was a virgin and she was not.  (She came to Christ in college.)  We had a few episodes during our engagement where things got a little too hot and heavy which led to a brief touch.  Both times, we felt conviction and stopped mid episode and repented.  We did make out during our engagement, but it didn’t go anywhere beyond kissing.

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          • Like Scott said, introducing a vibe was a huge change for us.  It had a negative connotations originally to my DW.  Introduced one and she was both a bit skeptical and it didn’t do much for her.  I got a different one, the wife allowed her inhibitions down a little more, and it was a radical change to say the least.  We actually had to stop going to it all the time because we both felt we were becoming too dependent on it.  But it’s definitely opened up our LM.

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