Husband_In_Training's Profile
Twin bed



  • Twin bed Asked on October 26, 2019 in Sexually Refused .

      @ MrEden – Thanks for the encouraging comment. It’s now been 7-1/2 months since surgery. She’s been on HRT from one of the most prominent hormone specialists in our major US city. There have been a couple glimmers of hope here and there over the past couple months, but they always fade. The testosterone has been a. Issue. Each time she has gotten the implants the testosterone runs out too quickly and she has to get a booster. Just this week she got another booster because testosterone was still low. Free testosterone was 18.3. pg/mL. And total is 229 ng/dL. He wants free to be over 20. Estrogen is also high so he’s having her take DIM to slow the testosterone from concerting to estrogen as quickly.

      It seems like she has a little more interest a couple weeks after each of these inserts, but then it fades fast.

      I just live with the assumption the answer is no. If there’s ever a yes, it’s a real treat, followed by the disappointment that it will be another week (or several). before the next opportunity.

      Trying to hang in there, but it’s difficult.

      • 9 answers
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    • Twin bed Asked on September 4, 2019 in Sexually Refused .

        @ Shadow – I’d like to hear more about “Handling the no”. I get about 350 “no”s per year. I’m apparently not very good at handling them, and I’m wondering if there is some obvious improvements I could make. Like others have mentioned after enough of them, patience and understanding turns into frustration and eventually hurt (and a myriad of other emotions)

        Any insight?

        • 15 answers
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      • Twin bed Asked on June 1, 2019 in Sexually Refused .

          Well it’s now been 77 days / 11 weeks since surgery. There was no sex for several weeks before that, so in total it’s been about 5 months since we’ve had sex.

          There seems to be no hope of a ‘normal’ life anytime soon. Or even anything close. A few times she has teased ‘maybe we can try’ but always backs out. There’s always any excuse. I try not to put too much pressure on her in hopes that she’ll come around to a husband that loves and supports her. But this sure feels like an easy way for her to get a break from having to be sexual in any way. Seems to be exactly what she wants. And it just keeps going on and on. Now she’s saying that ‘It takes a year to feel normal again, I’ve only got 9 months to go’. Great.

          Maybe our situation is an anomaly, but no one mentions how difficult this is on men. There are days I think I’m going to lose my mind. Wandering through life alone with no possibility of being wanted. I pray about it constantly, but there’s no relief.

          She’s well aware of my needs and it’s apparently impossible for her to handle. (Hot flashes, don’t touch me, I don’t want to get turned on, I feel nauseous, my stomach hurts, ‘the part you like’ hurts, etc.). Always an excuse. As much as I try to stay supportive I can’t stop myself from getting sullen and withdrawn sometimes.

          I just don’t know what to do.

          • 9 answers
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        • Twin bed Asked on May 25, 2019 in Sexually Refused .

            I could write the encyclopedia on this one… I’m pretty sure there aren’t many excuses I haven’t heard:

            I’m too tired
            Doesn’t feel good
            I feel nauseous
            I have a headache
            I have a migraine
            The migraine medicine makes me feel weird
            I’m too hot
            Your too hot (Temperature – this is actually the most recent excuse on this list)
            Stomach ache
            Back hurts
            Shoulders hurt
            Neck hurts
            Have a cold
            Sinuses hurt
            Cervix feels bruised (yes I heard that one)
            We have to get up too early
            It’s too late
            You waited too long to ask
            You waited too long to come to bed
            All you think about is sex
            I don’t feel like it
            I only wanted a goodnight kiss (peck)
            I’m not the sexual person you are
            Do you want me to throw up on you?
            I just can’t do that – I need you to go to sleep
            I did too much today – I can’t
            And so on…

            Basically most of this can be summarized as, “Your sexual desires are appreciated, but they’re the lowest priority on my list. Please don’t ask. I’ll let you know someday if and when I have some interest. In the mean time , thank you for being an awesome husband in every other way.”

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          • Twin bed Asked on April 21, 2019 in Sexually Refused .

              “do recognize and harness the softer emotion behind the anger – the hurt -and use it to motivate you to take action. “

              Take action? What action am I supposed to take? I’m not going to leave – I need coping skills for how to survive without intimacy. Surely there are some tips on how to keep it from becoming an all consuming burden.

              • 12 answers
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            • Twin bed Asked on April 20, 2019 in Sexually Refused .

                “why can she not hold you and cuddle while you masturbate?”

                She won’t participate in any sort of sexual activity whatsoever. I didn’t mean to be ambiguous. We have sex on rare occasions when the planets align. But she’s recently had a hysterectomy and no way no how is there anything sexual taking place. She won’t discuss sex without it turning into “Is that all you care about!” It’s an off limits topic.

                I believe love is a choice, not an emotion. I agreed to love my wife as Christ loved the church. Sometimes that is extremely difficult.

                Oh… I just thought of another thing:

                – Avoid all friendships with other men who have great marriages and want to hint how great their sex lives are, further isolating yourself. 🙄

                • 12 answers
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              • Twin bed Asked on April 20, 2019 in Sexually Refused .

                  Note – I’m not sure I like this new board format. It doesn’t keep the messages in order so I can’t tell who I’m responding to.

                  Admins – can we keep it in order of posts so there is a way to respond to actual replies?

                  For all who responded so far – thanks for the replies. A couple things;

                  I’m not interested in ‘not loving’ my wife or finding more ways to avoid her. We’re a normal married couple, heavily involved in our church, live a normal romantic life, go out on dates, I bring flowers home, we sleep in the same bed, etc. She just isn’t capable of sex physically because of non-stop medical issues. I can’t force her, and wouldn’t want to.

                  Paul – Get down on your knees right now and thank the Lord for a wife who will do that sort of thing with you. Not in a million years would my wife dream of that kind of activity. She actively avoids anything that would stimulate her because she says it causes her physical distress (migraines, nausea, intestinal issues, etc). And even if it didn’t, she would say that’s weird (anything other than 5 minutes of missionary is weird to her) 🙄

                  What I’m looking for is active ways to repress the need for sex and intimacy. I know it’s not holy, but the thoughts of anger, envy, and the ‘what if’s are hard to avoid. The shower trick Paul B mentions only goes so far.

                  Surely somewhere there’s a practical list?

                  – Don’t think of your wife sexually.
                  – Never kiss her with the thought that it could lead to more.
                  – Always keep expectations of physical intimacy at zero.
                  – Avoid discussions with engaging attractive women at all costs.
                  – Destroy your computer, phone, or anything else that could remind you that normal women enjoy and desire sex.
                  – And by all means never read ‘The Marriage Bed’ board and discover that this life of lonely isolation isn’t perfectly normal.

                  Yes – These are ridiculous. But someone smarter than me surely can come up with some practical steps to cope.

                  • 12 answers
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                • Twin bed Asked on April 17, 2019 in Sexually Refused .


                    I read your story elsewhere. I’m so sorry to hear what happened with your wife . Praying for comfort for you and your family, and that God gives you clarity for what He has in store for your future.

                    I’m not dealing with anything like you’ve been through.. Just outright refusal with enough medical issues to make it legitimate / seemingly insurmountable. Unfortunately, not everyone experience the diminished desire you’ve described. Sometimes the exact opposite is the case .

                    Are there techniques to crush desire and make loneliness easier to cope with?.

                    In times where there have been serious medical issues (ie surgery, etc), I understand your point completely. But for the rest of the time the need to feel wanted is overwhelming.

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                  • Yes – Skin on skin contact is a very real need. Even without actual sex, the intimacy of skin on skin contact is very much a bonding and fulfilling thing.

                    I’m sure others can add more scientific detail to this.

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                  • Twin bed Asked on April 16, 2019 in Sexually Refused .

                      AV8R – I wish I had good news for you, but this whole process has been a huge strain on our relationship. Not only the physical issues of a major surgery, but the emotional part of dealing with a hormonal time-bomb which goes off at random times. I’ve found myself bitter and angry at the whole thing. There isn’t much support out there for husbands who have to endure it all. I know God’s hand is in it, but it doesn’t make it easier.

                      Just know you aren’t alone.

                      The good news is that post – hysterectomy, many women have a higher desire for physics intimacy for a variety of reasons. I can also tell you that even though the Dr. told us we have to wait 8-12 weeks for sex, my wife has actually said she’s had interest in the last couple weeks (4-weeks post op right now) and feels frustrated she can’t act on it. (Fantastic news! She’s barely been interested in months)

                      The other thing to make sure of is that hormones are being addressed. Especially if ovaries are removed. Our Dr uses the pellets for HRT, but is hesitant to start using them because he said he didn’t want to drive libido up and make her frustrated when she can’t do anything about it. (WHAT!). That was a really encouraging comment and gives me a crumb of hope that I won’t be celibate the rest of my life. (She’s on testosterone / estrogen creme at the moment)

                      Lastly – Your fear of infidelity is legitimate. Fight it with every ounce of strength you have and pray non-stop for God to remove the temptation. Run away from it as fast as you can. You promised to care for your wife in sickness and in health. This is the sickness part. I’m right there with you.

                      Seeking Perspective has done an excellent write-up above. This gave me some encouragement – even though every day I wonder how I’m gonna deal with it another day – but we must endure..

                      In the end, a lot of women say it’s the best decision they ever made and wind up in a much better place afterward.

                      Praying for us both. -HIT.

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