- RE: Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.Twin bed Asked on December 13, 2019 in The Science of Sex .
Glad you enjoyed them!
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- Twin bed Asked on December 13, 2019 in Desire Problems (men and women).
Oh man, I could write a book on this, but I don’t have that kind of time.
Where to start…
Yes, it’s incredibly common. I think there are a ton of things going on here that are all interconnected.
For one, I think a lot of women (and some men) cut themselves off from what turns them on. We have such an anti-sex culture in Christianity, that we tend down the sexual part of ourselves rather than simply wait for an appropriate time.
Secondly, this is a part of responsive desire. She’s going to respond. Asking her what turns her on is, in part, asking her to lead. It’s not going to work. The best way to figure things like that out is try it, and then assess how it worked.
Thirdly, for most women, you have to arouse their mind. It’s not going to be an activity or touch or toy that turns her on. It will be a context, a story (for lack of a better word), a mood, etc..
Fourth, a lot of women feel extremely guilty about receiving pleasure. You can get them to, but they’re not going to want to be responsible for it. That’s why some of them get really aroused by things like bondage. It’s sort of like guilt-free pleasure. It’s not their responsibility, because they’re literally tied up. So, they can relax and enjoy it, because they have no say. In asking what turns her on, you’re asking her to take responsibility for her pleasure, and that’s a hard barrier to get over. Christianity does a terrible job at teaching Christians to enjoy life. They say Catholics mourn their faith, but all of Christianity does so to a certain extent.
And then you have things like her Sexual Inhibition System – what are the things holding her back. If she has her foot firmly on the brake pedal, it doesn’t matter how much you learn to stop on the gas pedal to hit her Sexual Excitation System. She’s still not going to go anywhere fast. Learn to help her get her foot off the brake. That’s often more helpful than trying to figure out what turns her on.
Anyways, that’s a very quick run through of a few things to think about.
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- Twin bed Asked on December 13, 2019 in Introduce Yourself.
@Scott, I tried to reply to yours, but apparently I don’t have enough points to comment. Yes, I did participate in the old TMB boards a long time ago. Are they no longer around? I wasn’t aware it had been shut down.
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- Twin bed Asked on December 13, 2019 in Guidelines, How To's and FAQ's (Have a question about how the system works?).
I thought you couldn’t answer a question until you had 30 points. I tried earlier and it said I couldn’t.
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