Shadow Spirit's Profile
On the floor



  • On the floor Asked on December 1, 2019 in OFF TOPIC.

      Dear BJQueen,

      I am the one who suggested you could be a sock puppet, and I apologize.  I tried to write an apology a few days ago, but there was a misunderstanding and it got removed.  So again, I feel responsible for what happened, I was wrong and I am sorry for my actions.

      • 9 answers
      • 1 votes
    • Sex should be as important in a marriage as it is for the higher-drive spouse, after adjusting for unhealthy factors.

      If, on a scale of 1-10, it’s a 3 for both, then its importance in their marriage should be a 3.  If it’s an 8 for both, then it should be an 8.  If it’s there’s a discrepancy, it’s the higher number minus the amount based on unhealthy factors.  If it’s a 3 for one partner, and an 8 for the other, then look at WHY it’s an 8.  If part of that person’s 8 is fueled by unhealthy factors, such as attitudes shaped by porn, using sex as a means to counteract low self-esteem or deal with negative emotions instead of facing them, or substances (like using uppers or too much testosterone,) or any other factor besides natural physical drive and emotional need to connect with a spouse, deal with those and see what’s left over.  If they are at 7 after dealing with those, then the importance should be a 7 to the marriage, even though it’s a 3 to the spouse.

      If something is important to my husband, that makes it important to me, whether I recognize that or not.  Ignore that at my own peril.   We can compromise over how to deal with the importance of an issue versus our individual preferences, but it’s not good to compromise over the importance of the issue itself.

      Just my opinion.

      • 11 answers
      • 3 votes
    • @Paul: As for editing questions, the idea is that it allows for clean up of poorly written questions. I’ve just bumped that privilege up to a higher level. It will take someone a long time to earn enough points to do that.    

      Thanks for this.  It is a great start.  For me, if there were a poorly written question, I would never exercise this feature to clean it up.  I would ask clarifying questions rather than mess with the post.  I would be concerned about my interpretation not being in line with the poster’s intent or meaning.

      Given the fact that comments are not easily moderated, how about bumping up the level at which one can comment? (if they can’t be turned off completely)

      “Downvoting is powerful because it takes points from others. It costs you the same number of points, but if 10 people downvote the same person they each lose a point while that person loses 10. Fewer points means fewer privileges/powers.”

      I think it’s actually 2 points.  However, let’s say 10 of us downvote an answer.  They lose 20 points.  They have 3 sock puppets who vote the answer up, giving them 30 points.  The OP (another sock puppet) chooses it as Best Answer, granting them another 15 points and  top billing on that Question.  They have a net gain of 25 points and their opinion is the top answer.

      Now, what if All-In has a point, and there’s a troll that now understands the system.  The troll plays innocent until they have more than enough points to do what it is that they want to do.  If they participate for awhile without causing trouble, using multiple accounts, they could gain even more points than in the above example by avoiding the downvotes.  It is not unthinkable that someone with these ulterior motives and ill-will would have the patience to play this long game.  It would take a lot of time and effort to do damage control through the downvoting system.  People who understand this and are trying to be proactive might then resort to downvoting suspected trolls to prevent this from happening in the first place, but then it looks like we are an intolerant community who is out to get certain individuals who are asking completely innocent questions.  And, what if we make a mistake on one or two profiles that aren’t actually sock puppets or trolls?

      • 9 answers
      • 1 votes
    • On the floor Asked on November 25, 2019 in Question of the Day.

        When I read the question, I wasn’t sure how to put it into words, but Seeking Change said it PERFECTLY.  Just copy her entire answer for me, verbatim.  Then add a post-script: in addition to receiving certain acts being irritating vs. pleasurable, being turned on dramatically changes my interest in performing certain acts, especially oral sex.  When not aroused, performing OS is a major turn-off.  But if I’m aroused, I have an intense desire to do it.

        @slipthegrasp:  “Or more commonly I simply command myself to be so.”  Quit bragging!  😉 LOL just kidding.  Must be so nice to be able to do that!

        • 10 answers
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      • Based on the recent events and discussions about trolls, I wanted to share some concerns about the way the forum works.

        First of all, the Comments:

        These were already problematic even before the troll, as we cannot receive notifications without revealing identity of up- and down-voters.  So they are being inconsistently used, enough so as to lose their value.

        The comments cannot be upvoted or downvoted, and they cannot be reported to moderators.  They do not show up on a person’s profile, only Questions and Answers.  Another member suggested visiting a questionable member’s profile in order to gain insight into their sincerity.  A troll with any modicum of intelligence can figure this out, and confine their duplicity to comments while building a profile that looks completely innocent.

        For example. anyone checking out SecondMarge’s profile might not have seen that she (or he) took an answer I made (while feeding the troll, sorry) and posted a comment on it designed to increase distrust in the church, on an issue that had absolutely nothing to do with the church.

        As the comments are not upvoted or downvoted, those features do not help us in keeping unBiblical opinions off the front page of a Question, or any page of a Question, or scattered throughout under the guise of many different voices.  I submit that if it’s logistically possible, that the comments feature should be disabled altogether.  In the meantime, fellow members, please be aware of these loopholes.

        Second, the “Best Answer.”

        1)  Upvoting and downvoting are irrelevant when a troll posts a questions, answers it with a sock puppet, and chooses it as “Best Answer.”  2) I hate choosing a “Best Answer” for my own questions, as I truly value everyone’s opinion and believe every sincere member has something important to say.  If I do NOT choose a “Best Answer” that leaves my question open to a troll answering and voting themselves as “Best Answer.”  If they do this on an older question, or there’s a whole lot of newer activity pushing that answer to the 2nd or 3rd page of “Latest Answers” there’s a chance I might not catch it and make a change.

        Third: the ability to edit other people’s questions.

        DoveGrey said, ” I see now how effective it can be for more senior members to be able to down vote, or even to edit someone’s question.”  Ironically, even though AFAIK I am the only person to exercise this option, I am against this ability.  At the risk of being a hypocrite, I felt it was the lesser of two “evils.”  I wanted a warning to appear in the content of the post, and not get lost in answers and comments.  My prayer is that I performed this action in a trustworthy manner.  I identified myself, stated my concerns in a calm way, and left the original post intact.  There was no technical requirement in the system that I do so.  I could have pretended to be the OP and changed the message in any way I desired.  I could have put words in their mouth.

        All-In said  “I do believe there is a wolf lurking in here under multiple screen names and knows we know… they are being more cautious in their posts, leaving everyone to believe they are genuine. originally, they were using offensive language as well, but that has seemed to stop. probably another tactic to throw off the scent.”

        I agree with his assessment.  I do not think it is out of the question that the troll may attempt to build a profile under our radar, keep their nose clean to gain our trust, and rack up enough points to really wreak havoc with the community.  At that point, they would be able to put words in any of our mouths, and appear to be coming from us.  If they do it to older questions , since it’s only an edit, we may not even be aware it has happened.

        (There was also the concern about downvoting innocent questions from suspicious new members without proof.  I have the same concern.  I believe the strategy is to try to hamper the troll’s attempts at earning points and building a trojan horse.  But it could certainly be off-putting to members who are unaware of the problem.)

        My temporary workaround for #2 and #3, Best Answer and Question Editing feature:

        In order to prevent a troll from changing my answers or tampering with Best Answer, I plan to copy my original post into an answer, and choose it as “Best Answer” so that any members can easily see the original text and recognize any tampering.  I know that messes with points, and I’m sorry, but IMO the alternative is worse.

        Edited to add: I see that I cannot choose my own answer as Best.  Perhaps we can do this for each other.



        This answer accepted by Shadow Spirit. on November 25, 2019 Earned 15 points.

        • 9 answers
        • 1 votes
      • The “girl plumbing physiotherapist” Neil mentioned is called a “pelvic floor physical therapist.” This is the specialist that can best help with sexual pain after you rule out medical abnormalities.

        • 6 answers
        • 1 votes
      • On the floor Asked on November 23, 2019 in Marriage Books, Resources, Sites .

          Thank you for sharing the resource, I am glad you found it.  May God hold you in His loving arms while you are dealing with this.  More prayers for your marriage and family.

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          • 3 votes
        • Me: “When we talk directly about our feelings, instead of framing things in terms of theory/opinions/right vs. wrong/etc.  it usually (not always!) makes it easier for people to respond to us positively.”

          S.O.T: “So you are saying that me not coming out and saying, “this disturbs me,” may have put you on edge? Or made you feel uncomfortable? Or are you just talking about the context of interpersonal relationship not this conversation?”

          In the title of the post, you actually did say “this disturbs me” – but then your first post was entirely about logic and theory.  It’s very easy to disagree with someone’s logic, as I did vigorously.  Maybe too vigorously, I do enjoy a good intellectual debate.  (You remind me a bit of my younger self, BTW)  In relationships, logic and opinions are almost always just the tip of the iceberg, and the real issues lie beneath the surface.  When you say, “To be frank, I am absolutely terrified that I would be accused of this ever. In my mind I will have essentially been using my wife as I used porn in the past…”  this approach goes below the surface to the real issue behind the debate.  The personal vulnerability evokes in me a great feeling of compassion, empathy and wanting to understand.  It downplays my natural tendency toward debate: there is no debating that you are terrified, there is no debating how you would perceive the situation in your mind.  That is all valid and not open to debate, because it is your experience and you are the only one who knows your experience.  (Side note: denying the truth of someone else’s experience is one key component of psychological abuse. If anyone does this to you, leave the conversation.)  It’s not so much about being uncomfortable, as about opening up the discussion in a way that promotes a healthy discussion from the same side of the table, as opposed to sparring intellectual points as “opponents” across the table.  This principle applies both to our conversation here, and to interpersonal conversations in general.

          Regarding your theory: it is not completely wrong, there may be truth to it in some circumstances.  No need to throw it out.  It just can’t be generalized to all relationships.  I would say it could certainly happen the way you describe, but I don’t think it would solve the majority of cases.  Like DoveGrey said, “My point here is that every case, every marriage, has its own story. We can’t assign blame on either the woman or the man without knowing the entire situation. Life is very complicated, with many different pieces going into a marriage.”

          It all depends on WHY the person is feeling used, and each story is different.  When we don’t know how they got to that place to begin with, we can’t really comment on what they should do or what would make things right.   There are a whole host of things that can lead to a wife feeling used.  Some of them are the fault of a selfish or immature husband.  Some are nobody’s fault, simply due to common misunderstandings, such as missing each other’s love languages.  And then, some may be due to a wife’s attitudes and/or baggage she brings to the relationship (more relevant to your theory.)  But to make it even more complicated, this relationship restaurant serves combination platters!

          Going below the surface to your fears.  The mere facts that you are concerned about this, you are able to own up to your own stuff, you have a servant’s attitude, you are sensitive to God’s purpose for sex and how it differs from porn, and you are committed to personal growth and following Christ, make it unlikely for this to happen to you IMO.  The fact that you would take her feelings seriously and take steps to deal with the situation is also a very good sign.  You are already way ahead of many grooms.  Generally, when a wife feels loved, she doesn’t feel used.  It sounds like you are already committed to investing in the loving feelings of your wife.  (Although, be cautious: romantic feelings can muddy the waters, increase anxieties, and lead us more easily into selfishness.)

          In fact, based on your comments: “The only reason I would “push” a future spouse away is because I understand that my feelings, when I have tried to explain them to people, are a largely boring and unimportant issue, as perceived by others. Unless the “push” you are speaking of is the husband denying communication with the wife. In that case, I think I would not want to listen to her if I was sure that she did not want to listen to me, but then I would have to struggle with the fact that I would be enabling a vicious cycle. I would have to separate from my own emotions and focus on hers, despite the fact I had determined she did not care about my own emotions”  I wondered if your good-willed-despite-the-stubbornness  nature 😉  makes it harder for you to imagine the scenarios in which husbands are acting selfishly.  (Neither gender has a monopoly on selfishness.)  My first husband pushed me away with angry outbursts, not because I didn’t listen to him or care about his emotions, but because he would rather watch television from 6:30-11:30 and my requests to spend some time together connecting were seen as smothering interruptions.  So when he came to bed 2 hours past my bedtime expecting sex without even an apology for the tongue-lashing, yes – I felt used for sex.  And no, it had nothing to do with my approach to sex.  Trying to invest in sex without repairing the relationship only made me feel emptier and become even less attached to him.

          I can’t guarantee your future wife will never accuse you of this.  My first husband was abusive (rooted in anxiety) and often made hurtful accusations about my attitudes and my motives that just weren’t true.  (In hindsight, they were probably projections.)  It was very painful.   My second husband would never do that.  (I have only been married once, but he is a changed man! Praise to our God who changes lives!)  If you are ever accused, or even if not accused but your future wife feels  this way, please remember that this doesn’t make it true of you.  If you are truly doing your part to show love in the relationship in a way that speaks to her, then it is a reflection on her, not on you. Although, I can understand and relate to how hurtful and distressing the situation would be.

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        • On the floor Asked on November 23, 2019 in Introduce Yourself.

            DoveGrey, I am so glad you are here.  You are a blessing to this community.  Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

            • 6 answers
            • 4 votes