04/02/2020 – Today’s Question of the Day

    If you and your spouse woke up today with switched sex drives (if you’re high(er) drive, you’re now low(er) drive and if you’re low(er) drive, you’re now high(er) drive…), what do you think your biggest challenges would be? What would you do to keep the marriage bed alive?

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    14 Answer(s)

      @C. Joseph:

      I understand where you’re coming from, but I disagree with a lot of what you say. It’s easiest to just boil it down to this paragraph:

      “The women go on with daily life unhurt, unscathed. Happy that the man should not get sex when he needs it; finding any excuse to refuse it and bring other women with her to help defend her position. Women are also mostly immune to our pornographic world.”

      I can pull a Luke in episode 8 and say “every word you just said was wrong”. Though my DW is LrD, none of that applies to her.

      • She experiences plenty of hurt in this, prays for an increased sexual drive, feeling broken along the way.
      • She doesn’t search for “any excuse” to refuse and often takes a leap of faith hoping her responsive desire will kick in.
      • She has never brought another woman to defend “her position”.
      • Women aren’t immune to porn, with a significant percentage watching porn (I’ve seen 1/3, with 1/10 watching it daily). Those that do watch tend to watch it for longer times then men. Finally, women also read far more erotica than men do. I think a huge issue here is that our culture has long shielded erotica from scorn plus women don’t have as obvious arousal reactions from men, so it largely goes undetected. My DW read the whole Grey trilogy without telling me, much of it either across the room from me or in bed next to me without me ever knowing. She wouldn’t have been able to do that with porn.

      I understand you’re hurting and I’m not trying to start a fight. I just ask that you please don’t go saying things like that, which will likely hurt many women on this site unnecessarily.

      -Scott

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on April 2, 2020.

      I am not wrong. If you told me someone prayed about it and then did nothing, I quote James 2.  Next is women often talk about many things in relationships. Men rarely do unless “relationship”  hinders a hunting trip or car show trip.

      Also, the “sorry hun, I have a headache,” is a common rhetorical excuse saying which translated means, “I have no interest in sex, here’s my legit excuse, please leave me alone.” Can you see any woman praying for a few minutes and God touches her and suddenly she’s into it? Get real.

      Statistics are what they are. Porn is mostly viewed by men, created with men in mind and men mostly are either in therapy for it or ruining their lives with it. Statistically the numbers for women on porn is so low its not discussed here because I’m concerned with the bigger statistic and that’s men on porn.

      and…women do not suffer through hurt knowing their husband desires them. Perhaps you will find a few here on this forum or know one yourself but most women are not so broken up about this. they simply cannot care.

      the solution is elusive. Most families will not break up over a lack of sex, its too expensive, women know this and so they are not afraid to continue their sexual refusals. Men are also aware of this and stay from affairs or hide them well knowing that an illicit sexual affair will ruin their financial position after a divorce when its his fault.

      Realistically women do move on and many men find expensive hobbies to keep their mind off sex. Thats why you see some men with great golf clubs, many guns, or old cars they are rebuilding. The reality is what it is. If women really cared they would do something…some on this forum do. The men who are hurt become angry, selfish and depressed and this adds to the womans justification for refusal.

      I can quote more bible but reality of modern times is to read, read, read the Bible pray, attend church and refuse one’s responsibility at home while the men, regardless of a lack of sex would still take a bullet for the wife.

      Me? I am depressed but not just for her refusals. She does what you propose; she prays and does nothing. I am not an armchair christian. I pray for wisdom, pray for poor and wounded and sick christians and then give cash or time/effort to help.

      I am happy that many couples here are having wild sex. It enhances the relationship, decreases depression and helps life be more exciting, all in anticipation for the next round of married sex. AND keeps christian marriages together!

      on April 2, 2020.

      C. Joseph,

      You may not be wrong with relation to your wife, but you are certainly wrong to be lumping 80% of women into your generalizations. That is where my problem lies. Many are upset about their apparent lack of drive and inability to meet their DH’s needs. It destroys many of them internally, so they shut it down to avoid the pain. They are embarrassed, ashamed, and feel betrayed by their bodies.

      I don’t see how James 2 applies unless you’re indicating that a DW would pray and leave it at that, with no intention of putting in effort. Maybe that’s what your DW did, but my DW put the “deed” behind the “faith” and started working on it. Discussions with me. Reading on her own. Being willing to leap off the cliff, not knowing if responsive desire was going to kick in or not. It’s not just my DW like this, so please stop insulting so many women.

      “Statistics are what they are. Porn is mostly viewed by men, created with men in mind and men mostly are either in therapy for it or ruining their lives with it. Statistically the numbers for women on porn is so low its not discussed here because I’m concerned with the bigger statistic and that’s men on porn.”

      I used to think that way too. My first wake up showing me that wasn’t true was from a church conference focused on getting people off of porn ~3 yr ago. When I was meeting with the men in my small group there, the ones who had been involved with the church’s college ministry discussed how porn was a huge problem for the girls in it, much more so than for the men. That may be a bit of an outlier, but statistics are showing that women’s porn use is significant. See here:

      https://fightthenewdrug.org/survey-finds-one-in-three-women-watch-porn-at-least-once-a-week/

      The survey has a bias towards younger women, but it found that 31% of women watched porn weekly and another 30% watched it monthly. A potentially less age-biased number in that same article is that PornHub found that 29% of its viewers were female, and those viewers stayed on the site longer than males. Given that Pornhub is not women-centered, I wouldn’t be surprised if those numbers are biased against women and the actual number is higher once you include the women-focused sites (and yes, those exist–I have seen them myself). Given your age demographic, women’s use of porn may be less prevalent, but overall its a big problem. And that’s not even getting into the huge use of erotica that women do and have for a long time.

      “I am happy that many couples here are having wild sex.”

      I think you’d be surprised at how few of us are. Many, maybe even most of us, came onto TMB looking for help/answers. Moving into the direction of “wild sex” is slow for many of us, and I anticipate that my bedroom will never look like that.

      -Scott

      on April 2, 2020.

      I can agree with your numbers but as you said, they are outliers but a better word would be just smaller statistic. As far as college girls go, they may be looking to make money on it since posting their own pics is easy to take and most certainly easy to upload.

      On the subject of “discussing it with her,” I have had long discussions. Some are candid, some are accusatory. My wife is going thorough some psychosis issues. She continues to accuse me of picking on and bullying my son. So…I asked him. He says that I am not picking on him. I go to my wife with this and she says that I intimidate him with threats so he won’t admit that I am picking on him. (not true) I cannot win. You see, her whole drive in life is to be a good mom. Nothing else matters. If she thinks I am picking on the kids (the kids are hugely lazy and will not do chores) then she says she feels no sex drive. I cannot win. I also have a failed career. So her “knight in shining armor” is a dweeb as far as she is concerned. Even though I am former military.

      The entire issue with us is an internal one for her. Add to that some physical problems and she has numerous excuses to not have sex. its either her physical problems or blame me. Pick one.

      On me, she is delusional. I have even thought of taking her in to a psychiatrist but since she does no harm on herself or others, that won’t work. On her physical problems I’ve tried several supplements and they work beautifully. But she is complacent on taking them and after awhile of not taking the supplements, she is in pain again, etc. claims the supplements never worked. She says her doctor says she has such and such illness and I need to just get used to it.

      translation: turn off all your sexual desires and just be happy.

      And her prescription is: kids need tending to. (do nothing, sex is not important)

      Further: if I am winning the argument she will get additional women from church (2 or 3 women) that proves to me that most women our age just don’t have sex anymore and none of them go to bed nude, etc, etc.

       

      on April 3, 2020.

      Hi C. Joseph,

      Again, I’m sorry your wife is doing this and that it’s led to so much frustration for you. I just ask that you please don’t extend this to 80% of women, as many women in the LrD situation are quite upset about it and “want to want to” have sex.

      As far as porn, I think the PornHub numbers tell the story best, as it’s not a survey result but instead just numbers from a broad-spectrum porn distributor. The numbers for it were for content viewers, so unless the women are watching it (over and over again) to learn new things to try to sell, they aren’t doing it to make money.

      -Scott

      on April 3, 2020.
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        My biggest challenge would be keeping up, soreness and chaffing.  The mind would be willing but going beyond what we have now would be physically difficult for me.

        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on April 2, 2020.
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          First of all, I’d probably go into depression! Because I would automatically want sexual interactions with DW every day.

          But, on the other hand, I would take a few weeks off of work to seek to fully satisfy DW’s newly acquired higher drive!

          Being unaccustomed to being the lower drive person, it would probably grind my gears a bit. This would be my strategy:

          We’ve all heard of “mind over matter”, so for me it would be “mind over lowdrive” which would manually shift me into “sex overdrive!” 😀

          From there it would be automatic! 🙂

          Under the stars Answered on April 2, 2020.

          Good in theory… doesn’t sound very realistic though.

          on April 2, 2020.
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            Being as I actually lived this and have experienced this switch, I will share what actually happened…..

            I talked to him and challenged him to remember healthy sexuality is really about the heart and the mindset, not the physical desire or ability.  There may be things he could do any longer, or didn’t feel the drive or desire to do physically, but could his heart’s desire override the physical?   I tried multiple talks, in multiple different ways.  We even went away for several days, for this sole purpose.  His physical (lack of) need, reigned….not his heart.

            Eventually what happened, my responsive desire kicked in, even with a higher drive, and there was nothing to “respond” to…I lost hope and pretty much gave up.   When my actual drive needed some form of sexual release, I was fully capable to take care of it myself.

            Under the stars Answered on April 2, 2020.
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              There are so many ways to interpret this question because it challenges so many of our understandings and preconceptions. For instance, is this physical only or both mental and physical? What about responsive vs. spontaneous desire? And what about the menstrual cycle? To keep from typing a book, I’ll just do one scenario:

               

              Drives Swapped, but Spontaneous/Responsive Desire Not Swapped

              This is perhaps the most literal interpretation of your question, and to me it is the most intriguing. Even trying to imagine a DW with high drive/responsive desire and a DH with low drive/spontaneous desire makes my brain spin. At first, I think there would be huge problems, as physically she would want/need release but mentally she wouldn’t realize it. Thus, we’d only have sex the once per month that I initiated it and maybe the once per month that she felt spontaneous desire, and she’d be extremely frustrated, irritated, and angsty without realizing why. I could see a lot of anger and bitterness building in DW after just a few weeks. When we would have sex, as soon as the responsive desire would kick in she would turn into a sex queen, want no more than two O’s (probably more like six), and want all sorts of kinky stuff (for her)…basically anything that aroused her more like maybe FEing on my face or something. I do think part of her frustration here would be feeling like I don’t desire her or that I don’t care about our relationship.

              To solve this, I think she’d eventually learn what the physical drive felt like and come up with ways to have me address it. We’d talk about it and she’d have me start initiating it often, even if it was on a schedule. I’d probably not be able to “perform” more than once/twice a week, so there’d be lots of internal MS or potentially sex where I don’t finish (though her drive might not allow that, as she always wants me to finish even now). I think I’d have to be careful not to get carpel tunnel syndrome…in both wrists! Eventually, if I couldn’t keep up we might just have to buy a Magic Wand or Sybian (if she was willing) so she could drain her physical drive while I just cheerlead.

              It’s also possible that I’m overthinking this a bit, as her drive may not be nearly as low as I portray. It’s so hard to tell with the responsive-desire covering, but there’s a chance our core drives are within a factor of 2. If that was the case, I think we’d have sex at roughly the same frequency as now, with the only difference being that I have greater confidence because I wouldn’t be getting rejected ever!

               

              -Scott

              Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on April 2, 2020.
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                My, we are being forced to think around here!

                I have thought all morning about this question. What I came up with is this: right now, DH and appear to be fairly equal. So unless we are comparing responsive vs spontaneous desires, not much would change. We have fallen into a sort of schedule, but I can’t say right now that either of us is higher or lower drive at this point.

                Under the stars Answered on April 2, 2020.
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                  Like Bryanna, I have also been giving this some thought all day in between writing a sermon (hopefully I didn’t insert something where it wasn’t supposed to be).  It is both a tough question to wrap my head around and thought provoking at the same time.  Currently as the HD and my wife as the LD we schedule times of connecting sexually.  (I postponed our time last night because my DW had 15, 19 and 14 hour days in a row for work and knew she didn’t need to be stressed out about sex when sleep was needed more, so we rescheduled for tonight.) As the HD I would also like to be more spontaneous – she isn’t there yet.  So how would I feel if roles were reversed?  I’d like to think that I would be much like my wife. As a parenthetical note, several years ago she investigated and signed us up for a weekend marriage conference to give a boost to a stale sex life (much has changed since then for the better), so kudos to her as the LD for doing that.  She is really trying to catch up to me all be it slowly and be comfortable with some new ideas introduced to our LM and she recognizes that her pace is slower.  Sometimes she gets frustrated that I’m zooming ahead with the desire for more during sex, even more sex when she’s making an effort so I have to stop and wait for her to catch up so patience not pushing is the order of the day.  When she does show some movement, there I am taking off again in my own sexual awareness/awakening/desire leaving her in the dust thinking that she has finally caught up only to look back and see she’s still a ways back.  For about 2 years up until about 6 months ago we were reading material on different aspects of sex whether positions, ideas, etc. but due to her changing work situation stopped.  She told me the other night that it’s been a welcome break.   She also knows that it’s important to me and for us.  So to switch places I would want to be in wife’s shoes as the one seeking to understand, wanting to satisfy, but yet not comfortable with the pace.  As my wife is now, I would like to think that I would be willing to work on some things, with the hope that she as the HD now would understand that it will take time and to be patient with me.  I also hope that we would be able to adequately communicate our needs in a loving way to each other, that perhaps can lead to compromise on both our parts so that each is satisfied physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I hope that we would both understand our mutual role of serving each other and the joy that is found in the serving.  Enough said.  I’m going back to being the HD.  🙂

                  On the floor Answered on April 2, 2020.
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                    This is a tough one, because it’s hard to imagine life without a HD. I suspect that I’d feel similar to how I felt about a year ago when DW started her sexual renaissance. A little bit of disbelief, a lot of questioning how long this would go on (in a good way). There were even a few times last spring we’re she clearly wanted sex and the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I was, of course, very happy to oblige, but I was enjoying it much more for the connection than out of a drive to meet a longing or need in me.

                    On the floor Answered on April 2, 2020.

                    Same, i like the connectiveness

                    on April 2, 2020.
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                      I don’t know.  I literally cannot imagine myself being LD.

                      Fell out of ... Answered on April 2, 2020.
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                        There would be no change. We are pretty much equal in drives.

                        Hammock Answered on April 2, 2020.
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