04/02/2020 – Today’s Question of the Day
If you and your spouse woke up today with switched sex drives (if you’re high(er) drive, you’re now low(er) drive and if you’re low(er) drive, you’re now high(er) drive…), what do you think your biggest challenges would be? What would you do to keep the marriage bed alive?
I understand where you’re coming from, but I disagree with a lot of what you say. It’s easiest to just boil it down to this paragraph:
“The women go on with daily life unhurt, unscathed. Happy that the man should not get sex when he needs it; finding any excuse to refuse it and bring other women with her to help defend her position. Women are also mostly immune to our pornographic world.”
I can pull a Luke in episode 8 and say “every word you just said was wrong”. Though my DW is LrD, none of that applies to her.
- She experiences plenty of hurt in this, prays for an increased sexual drive, feeling broken along the way.
- She doesn’t search for “any excuse” to refuse and often takes a leap of faith hoping her responsive desire will kick in.
- She has never brought another woman to defend “her position”.
- Women aren’t immune to porn, with a significant percentage watching porn (I’ve seen 1/3, with 1/10 watching it daily). Those that do watch tend to watch it for longer times then men. Finally, women also read far more erotica than men do. I think a huge issue here is that our culture has long shielded erotica from scorn plus women don’t have as obvious arousal reactions from men, so it largely goes undetected. My DW read the whole Grey trilogy without telling me, much of it either across the room from me or in bed next to me without me ever knowing. She wouldn’t have been able to do that with porn.
I understand you’re hurting and I’m not trying to start a fight. I just ask that you please don’t go saying things like that, which will likely hurt many women on this site unnecessarily.
First of all, I’d probably go into depression! Because I would automatically want sexual interactions with DW every day.
But, on the other hand, I would take a few weeks off of work to seek to fully satisfy DW’s newly acquired higher drive!
Being unaccustomed to being the lower drive person, it would probably grind my gears a bit. This would be my strategy:
We’ve all heard of “mind over matter”, so for me it would be “mind over lowdrive” which would manually shift me into “sex overdrive!” 😀
From there it would be automatic! 🙂
Being as I actually lived this and have experienced this switch, I will share what actually happened…..
I talked to him and challenged him to remember healthy sexuality is really about the heart and the mindset, not the physical desire or ability. There may be things he could do any longer, or didn’t feel the drive or desire to do physically, but could his heart’s desire override the physical? I tried multiple talks, in multiple different ways. We even went away for several days, for this sole purpose. His physical (lack of) need, reigned….not his heart.
Eventually what happened, my responsive desire kicked in, even with a higher drive, and there was nothing to “respond” to…I lost hope and pretty much gave up. When my actual drive needed some form of sexual release, I was fully capable to take care of it myself.
There are so many ways to interpret this question because it challenges so many of our understandings and preconceptions. For instance, is this physical only or both mental and physical? What about responsive vs. spontaneous desire? And what about the menstrual cycle? To keep from typing a book, I’ll just do one scenario:
Drives Swapped, but Spontaneous/Responsive Desire Not Swapped
This is perhaps the most literal interpretation of your question, and to me it is the most intriguing. Even trying to imagine a DW with high drive/responsive desire and a DH with low drive/spontaneous desire makes my brain spin. At first, I think there would be huge problems, as physically she would want/need release but mentally she wouldn’t realize it. Thus, we’d only have sex the once per month that I initiated it and maybe the once per month that she felt spontaneous desire, and she’d be extremely frustrated, irritated, and angsty without realizing why. I could see a lot of anger and bitterness building in DW after just a few weeks. When we would have sex, as soon as the responsive desire would kick in she would turn into a sex queen, want no more than two O’s (probably more like six), and want all sorts of kinky stuff (for her)…basically anything that aroused her more like maybe FEing on my face or something. I do think part of her frustration here would be feeling like I don’t desire her or that I don’t care about our relationship.
To solve this, I think she’d eventually learn what the physical drive felt like and come up with ways to have me address it. We’d talk about it and she’d have me start initiating it often, even if it was on a schedule. I’d probably not be able to “perform” more than once/twice a week, so there’d be lots of internal MS or potentially sex where I don’t finish (though her drive might not allow that, as she always wants me to finish even now). I think I’d have to be careful not to get carpel tunnel syndrome…in both wrists! Eventually, if I couldn’t keep up we might just have to buy a Magic Wand or Sybian (if she was willing) so she could drain her physical drive while I just cheerlead.
It’s also possible that I’m overthinking this a bit, as her drive may not be nearly as low as I portray. It’s so hard to tell with the responsive-desire covering, but there’s a chance our core drives are within a factor of 2. If that was the case, I think we’d have sex at roughly the same frequency as now, with the only difference being that I have greater confidence because I wouldn’t be getting rejected ever!
My, we are being forced to think around here!
I have thought all morning about this question. What I came up with is this: right now, DH and appear to be fairly equal. So unless we are comparing responsive vs spontaneous desires, not much would change. We have fallen into a sort of schedule, but I can’t say right now that either of us is higher or lower drive at this point.
Like Bryanna, I have also been giving this some thought all day in between writing a sermon (hopefully I didn’t insert something where it wasn’t supposed to be). It is both a tough question to wrap my head around and thought provoking at the same time. Currently as the HD and my wife as the LD we schedule times of connecting sexually. (I postponed our time last night because my DW had 15, 19 and 14 hour days in a row for work and knew she didn’t need to be stressed out about sex when sleep was needed more, so we rescheduled for tonight.) As the HD I would also like to be more spontaneous – she isn’t there yet. So how would I feel if roles were reversed? I’d like to think that I would be much like my wife. As a parenthetical note, several years ago she investigated and signed us up for a weekend marriage conference to give a boost to a stale sex life (much has changed since then for the better), so kudos to her as the LD for doing that. She is really trying to catch up to me all be it slowly and be comfortable with some new ideas introduced to our LM and she recognizes that her pace is slower. Sometimes she gets frustrated that I’m zooming ahead with the desire for more during sex, even more sex when she’s making an effort so I have to stop and wait for her to catch up so patience not pushing is the order of the day. When she does show some movement, there I am taking off again in my own sexual awareness/awakening/desire leaving her in the dust thinking that she has finally caught up only to look back and see she’s still a ways back. For about 2 years up until about 6 months ago we were reading material on different aspects of sex whether positions, ideas, etc. but due to her changing work situation stopped. She told me the other night that it’s been a welcome break. She also knows that it’s important to me and for us. So to switch places I would want to be in wife’s shoes as the one seeking to understand, wanting to satisfy, but yet not comfortable with the pace. As my wife is now, I would like to think that I would be willing to work on some things, with the hope that she as the HD now would understand that it will take time and to be patient with me. I also hope that we would be able to adequately communicate our needs in a loving way to each other, that perhaps can lead to compromise on both our parts so that each is satisfied physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I hope that we would both understand our mutual role of serving each other and the joy that is found in the serving. Enough said. I’m going back to being the HD. 🙂
This is a tough one, because it’s hard to imagine life without a HD. I suspect that I’d feel similar to how I felt about a year ago when DW started her sexual renaissance. A little bit of disbelief, a lot of questioning how long this would go on (in a good way). There were even a few times last spring we’re she clearly wanted sex and the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I was, of course, very happy to oblige, but I was enjoying it much more for the connection than out of a drive to meet a longing or need in me.