05/21/2020 – Question of the Day
Often it is roundabout, when I smother her with my arms and kisses! Other times it is direct and shall I say, upfront! 😉
Seriously, it is a bit of both. But, I have learned that more direct is better for DW. She likes clarity and doesn’t want to be guessing about what I mean. So, it is more direct verbally or physically. She prefers more direct. So, when she initiates it is quite clear what she wants!
I like flirting and the use of innuendos a lot. But more forthright initiations produce more concrete results. So, more direct has become my preference!
We do a large range of things.
For years, I’d basically directly ask “Do you want to have sex?” And the answer was quite often “no”, which was the truth.
After learning about responsive desire, we’ve found that me asking “Would you like to be aroused tonight?” is much easier for her to say yes to. So when I’m direct, it’s either that or something that isn’t a question like “I’d like to have sex with you tonight” to get the conversation rolling. Occasionally, if I can dredge up the confidence, I’ll just tell her several times throughout the day that I’m going to [have sex] with her at night.
DW can also be direct, though often times it’s more like “hey baby” if it’s verbal.
Honestly, a lot of our sex initiation is non-verbal these days. I’m still scared to ask directly a lot of time (low sexual self-esteem combined with years of rejection), but we pretty much go in expecting sex every other day during her proliferative phase, and possibly slightly less frequent than that at other times. There have been times that I’ve misread her and assumed that sex is off the table for the night, but once it’s clear I’m not moving for it she’ll say something along the lines of “don’t you want to have sex tonight?”
We both do all of the above. Indirect, flirt, innuendo (probably a lot of that), text, she’ll change into lingerie, direct request either with a proper request or, usually me more than her, an explicit request for an explicit activity…and then we have Sunday afternoon, which is usually considered a sacred expectation.
My preferences are her to initiate with a lot of flirtation touch and explicit request or demand. I love it when I’m gone and she’ll text me to hurry home, maybe even include a pic which lets me know what she’s expecting AND gets me going, even if I’m tired.
DW’s pref? Hmmmm…I’d say she enjoys it all but I should add, she’d prefer a direct request over an assumption EVERY day of the week. Flirtation txts throughout the day will usually help develop the mood and expectations if her hormones are low. If they’re high, then BONUS!!!
I tell my wife in her native language which my children do not understand that I want to ‘do something.’ Being a little less direct with the wording seems to work better, maybe. Also, it’s better if my kids happen to understand the words. They may not pick up on the true intention.
I’ll tell my wife several times I’m interested so she’ll have it in mind in her mental schedule sometimes.
My wife has been subtle before and not so subtle. Once she walked by me naked, without dressing after getting out of the shower. I chased her, and she started giggling. She was ‘tempting’ me. She doesn’t initiate much. She came out of the shower the last I remember her initiating.
Not normally, we tend to be very spontaneous. Go to bed, snuggle up, have a cuddle, then sometimes my hand starts wondering around DW’s body and I pick up her mood as I go along. I very rarely mention the idea of sex directly. DW is even more covert, and hardly ever direct. She tends to give me subtle signals, like slightly opening her legs when we have a cuddle or touching my penis.
Simply saying, “Do you want to?” or “I’m planning to…” doesn’t work well for me. I need flirtation and accumulating desire ahead of time. But it needs to be natural, growing out of just the fact that he loves me and likes touching me and wants to be near me; not that he is trying to push the right buttons to open the hatch.
Ideally, our time together is full of laughter and cuddles and closeness and flirty touches and significant looks and then we go to bed AND DON’T jump right into “having sex” but instead continue the closeness and the bonding until it gradually leads to greater arousal.
This was how it happened during the most prolific time of our sexual history and I’m not really sure how we got away from that. Sometimes we would be lying there as if we were both planning to go to sleep when suddenly both of us were not sleepy at all.
Now sometimes it seems like Yoda is there with his disapproving expression, saying “do or do not; there is no try” when the trying is the fun part.
When I initiate, I used to do it in a very subtle, round about way… in ways he would often miss. Now, I do both, but probably more often it is very direct… “Do you want to have sex?”, I think the other morning, I texted him while he was outside working and asked, “Are you up for sex?” I wasn’t sure if he had time.