06/09/2020 – Today’s Question(s) of the Day

    1. What small change WOULD improve your marriage relationship? (present/future tense)

     

    BONUS- 2. What small change DID improve your marriage relationship? (past tense)

    Under the stars Asked on June 9, 2020 in Question of the Day.

    1.) If I got a better job instead of minimum wage job, she would respect me.

    2.) She acknowledged that her low sex drive was not me but her and first step bought supplements a month ago to help improve her libido.

    on June 9, 2020.

    CJ – I would suggest your #2 answer disproves your #1.  #1 is more about YOU and how you view yourself. To me, the definition of a man is one who is willing to do whatever it takes to lead and provide. Unless you are accepting something like this as a concession to her, and not because it’s all you can get at the time but are not limiting yourself, then take pride in the fact that you are doing what you can and will be seeking better. Nothing to be ashamed of in that, and if she chooses to use it against you, that’s on her, not you. #2 seems to suggest quite the opposite. I highly doubt, even if she has stated such, that the level of job has anything to do with her respecting you. I would suggest it has more to do with how you respect yourself.

    on June 11, 2020.
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    12 Answer(s)

      1) small change WOULD  improve? I know this isn’t  small, but the first thing that came to mind was this: Sin less and love more! I have room for improvement there!

      And now a small thing: That we would truly listen to each other. Don’t get me wrong,  we do listen. But after 30+ years together it is easy to think that you already know what the other is thinking or will say, without considering the fact that they might say or want something different this time!

      2) small change DID improve?  Love DW the way she wants to be loved. I think it took almost a decade to learn that! It is easier to love her the way I want to be loved. But then she doesn’t feel loved as much as she should!

      Under the stars Answered on June 9, 2020.

      specifics please. What sin or sins??

      HOW did you love her more? What act proved to her that you are loving more?

      AND did she give feedback so you know you are doing things right?

      on June 10, 2020.
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        1) Reestablishing an intentional greeting with a hug, kiss, and smile.

        2) Going to bed earlier (8:30). It gave us the uninterrupted time to connect emotionally, through talking and then sexually, and still getting to sleep early enough.

        Under the stars Answered on June 9, 2020.

        #1 should be very doable. Not much to ask

        #2 will likely be difficult. Getting a high energy, type A extrovert to slow down and engage on a quiet, personal level might be challenging. If it has happened before, then hopefully  doable again.

        on June 11, 2020.
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          #1 small change that would improve: My DW realizing that she’s a contributor to our problems and being willing to read blogs or listen to podcasts to work on her issues

          #2 small change that DID improve our marriage: Me taking all of the pressure off sex; no asking for sex nor asking for specific things. We’re still early in the process and the quantity is the same, but the quality is much better.

          Queen bed Answered on June 9, 2020.

          Ditto. It’s a slow process so far.  But steady wins the race I told…

          on June 11, 2020.
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            1. One small change would be to BOTH approach our scheduled sex night as ‘oh good. We get to have sex again’ versus ‘its time again. We need to do something tonight’.

            2. We have ( mostly!!!) learned to discuss things without them ALWAYS turning into big disagreements like what used to happen. And that neither of our ideas are right or wrong. Just different.

            Under the stars Answered on June 9, 2020.
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              1) small change WOULD  improve? the two of us finding a few more activities/hobbies that we could enjoy together

              2) small change DID improve? making sure the first 15 minutes and interactions with the family are positive and not bring the frustrations of the day or letting what I observe as I walk in the door bother me and impact those initial interactions.

              Under the stars Answered on June 9, 2020.
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                1. My DW is low drive, so even just a little increase in her drive would be an improvement.
                2. Attending a weekend marriage seminar. It did alter some things in the bedroom.
                On the floor Answered on June 9, 2020.

                Alter? which direction?

                on June 10, 2020.

                Improved through reading some recommended books and added some variety/creativity.

                on June 11, 2020.
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                  #1 – A small change that WOULD improve our marriage.

                  This is an easy one that both of us agree on–going to bed earlier. We tend to have better conversations in bed, the increased sleep would benefit our entire family, and it would give us the opportunity to do more “exploration” on nights we have sex if we so chose.

                   

                  #2 – A small change that we DID to improve our marriage.

                  Started doing chores together.  This is a great way to fill up her love tank, as her #1 love language is quality time. She even gets more out of doing the chores together than me doing them for her.

                   

                  -Scott

                  Under the stars Answered on June 9, 2020.

                  I can absolutely identify with your wife on #2! (I agree with #1 as well.)

                  on June 11, 2020.
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                    1. For our kids to go to bed earlier. With school not happening this spring and now it being summer break, they are up late and it’s harder for us to get alone time.

                    2. When I decided to do kind and generous things for DW every chance I got, not to earn her affection, appreciation, or sex, but simply to love and serve her. Has made our marriage so much better!

                    On the floor Answered on June 10, 2020.

                    I used to tell my boys, bedtime is for the parents.  Why not put them to bed earlier still? Or at least confine them to their rooms after a certain time with books or games or something before actual lights out?

                    on June 10, 2020.

                    We have a teen and a tween. We have set a “in your rooms settling in time” for them, but their rooms are very close to ours and they will get up to use the bathroom etc. which is a major distraction to DW, even if we have music going etc. It’s just the season we’re in, and made worse by having minimal time out of the house.

                    on June 10, 2020.

                    I sympathize. Our teen showered at 1:30 last night. 🙁

                    on June 11, 2020.
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                      1. An extended period of time to just be with him. And then ongoing, just more time with him.
                      2. We started showering together and intentionally touching each other more.
                      Under the stars Answered on June 11, 2020.
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                        @LBD -yes , small is subjective…and yet how many people could improve their relationships by just changing one or two small things? And when noticed by a HEALTHY spouse or friend, would lead to them being more loving and changing one or two small things.

                        Small like saying thank you? Like picking up ones socks, underwear, hair in the sink, dishes or food? Doing the dishes? Small like opening car doors? Filling up the others gas tank? Expressing appreciation for their provision? Work around the house?

                        If a small spark can start a forest fire, why couldn’t small changes over time be noticed instead of blaming or waiting for the other person to change? Notice I did say “healthy” above because I believe healthy people will respond in kind. I also believe unconditional love can melt hardened hearts. With that said, sometimes unhealthy people need a doses of boundaries, tough love, and interventions with counselors to address deep seeded issues and behavior.

                        Under the stars Answered on June 11, 2020.

                        Indeed, every mountain is climbed one step at a time. The first step is addressing our attitude. Every other step depends on it, and it is all we really have any control over. If I pick up my socks but do it with an attitude of resentment, it gets me no higher up the mountain. I would suggest that the small acts of kindness must emanate from a choice to have a loving attitude. Yes, all the suggestions you offer can be profitable in the proper context. But don’t think that just because you start picking up your socks or cooking dinner that your spouse is suddenly going to appreciate you to the point of unthrottled sexual passion.

                        We’ve all seen “Fireproof” – and sure that is possible. But life doesn’t usually imitate Hollywood.

                        on June 11, 2020.

                        But don’t think that just because you start picking up your socks or cooking dinner that your spouse is suddenly going to appreciate you to the point of unthrottled sexual passion.

                        Hence, the use of the word “healthy”. Emotionally healthy people will respond to kindness with kindness and empathy towards an action. Unhealthy people with ignore, question the motives, or take advantage of the kind, vulnerable actions and attitudes of another without thought for the other.

                        on June 13, 2020.
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