08/05/2020 – Today’s Question(s) of the Day
Over the last year: 8.0. I have put a lot of effort into making our marriage a priority the last year. Intentional effort to connect frequently, lots of discussions, improving our sex life (more than just adding the vibe), taking the Love Language test and applying it, etc. I could definitely improve at times, though I think a lot of my shortcomings now are stemming from both tiredness and slight depression from working a horrible job.
Marriage as a whole: 4.5. Early on, I let things just kind of flow naturally, which actually worked pretty well due to our high natural compatibility, so most of my failures just came from ignorance/naïvety. Post kids, however, our marriage required more intentional commitment, which I failed to do. I should have been a better leader for both DW and the kids. Things weren’t bad, but our overall intimacy definitely was slowly decaying. Inside the bedroom, I failed to prioritize my DW’s pleasure, which she was fine with, but I wasn’t and it really hurt me/us.
I feel like I started out with great enthusiasm and energy ( so maybe an 8?) and then after depression set in I went downhill (probably a 6?). There were several years the depression lifted and I think I did okay at being mom and wife at the same time (so back up to a 7?) then when the mystery pain set in, I really feel like I went down to a 4 or 5 at best. After the pain was solved, I was starting to get better and then the wreck and I feel like I go up and down between maybe a 5 and 6. I definitely don’t feel like I am the wife I hoped I’d be in my bright, hopeful days as a fresh young bride.
Since I’m not a numbers guy it’s hard for me to put a number on a scale, but I think I would give the past year about a 7. Looking back there are always areas to improve, maybe not in the doing but in the attitude of doing it. For example, this past year has given my wife some tremendous challenges at work, especially since COVID began back in March that continues to this day. She has had to work longer days and more days and recently discussed with her boss a change is necessary because she has had no work/life (family) balance. Out of necessity, work has been consuming and last week she really felt the strain. I have worked through this past year to support her, be a “single” dad and manage much of the household duties of cooking and cleaning and shopping so that she can focus on other things or just because she didn’t have the time. That said, sometimes the added responsibilities that used to be shared weighed heavily on me with my own work duties in ministry so that sometimes while I did the work, it wasn’t always with the right heart. We also both agree that this past year has affected our sex lives where we got stuck in a rut of the same old ways and means, with a once in a great while spice it up night, but they were few and far between. Hoping that things begin to lessen on the work front, especially for her.