08/05/2020 – Today’s Question(s) of the Day

    Honest Self Evaluation: On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your performance as a spouse (both in and out of the bed) over the last year? How about over the course of your whole marriage?

    Under the stars Asked on August 5, 2020 in Question of the Day.
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    11 Answer(s)

      Years
      1-10: 3
      10-15: 5
      15-20: 7.3 lol

      Numbers have a +/- range of 1

      Queen bed Answered on August 5, 2020.
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        9 and 9: Both of us would rate each other in this way. Can’t be a 10 – always room for improvement!

        Under the stars Answered on August 5, 2020.
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          Over the past year: 9

          Over the years

          • 1-10: 8
          • 11-20: 7
          • 21-30: 7.5
          • 31-present: 9
          Under the stars Answered on August 5, 2020.
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            Over the last year: 8.0. I have put a lot of effort into making our marriage a priority the last year. Intentional effort to connect frequently, lots of discussions, improving our sex life (more than just adding the vibe), taking the Love Language test and applying it, etc. I could definitely improve at times, though I think a lot of my shortcomings now are stemming from both tiredness and slight depression from working a horrible job.

            Marriage as a whole: 4.5. Early on, I let things just kind of flow naturally, which actually worked pretty well due to our high natural compatibility, so most of my failures just came from ignorance/naïvety. Post kids, however, our marriage required more intentional commitment, which I failed to do. I should have been a better leader for both DW and the kids. Things weren’t bad, but our overall intimacy definitely was slowly decaying. Inside the bedroom, I failed to prioritize my DW’s pleasure, which she was fine with, but I wasn’t and it really hurt me/us.

            -Scott

            Under the stars Answered on August 5, 2020.
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              I’m still in the first year of this marriage. I’d say 8 because I can always improve. I’m trying to be creative without overwhelming him. COVID has dulled my creative juices.

              Hammock Answered on August 5, 2020.
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                I feel like I started out with great enthusiasm and energy ( so maybe an 8?) and then after depression set in I went downhill (probably a 6?). There were several years the depression lifted and I think I did okay at being mom and wife at the same time (so back up to a 7?) then when the mystery pain set in, I really feel like I went down to a 4 or 5 at best. After the pain was solved, I was starting to get better and then the wreck and I feel like I go up and down between maybe a 5 and 6. I definitely don’t feel like I am the wife I hoped I’d be in my bright, hopeful days as a fresh young bride.

                Under the stars Answered on August 5, 2020.
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                  Almost 27 years of marriage about a 6. Lots of improvement needed outside of TMB. Inside right it is incomplete because we do not have a sex life so how can I judge my performance with no action.

                  Queen bed Answered on August 5, 2020.
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                    Over the past year: 3
                    The average over our marriage (1/3 pretty good, 1/3 pretty bad, 1/3 bad): 5

                    I will ask him to see how his numbers of me compare to my perception.

                    Under the stars Answered on August 5, 2020.

                    His OF ME as a wife:

                    Past year: 9-10

                    Average of whole (breaking it up in 1/3s and averaging): 6.3

                    It was interesting to hear how he comes about his rating, and how much of it is influenced by how I make him feel…. and even more interesting, how much my orgasms influence that. 😯

                    on August 5, 2020.

                    It’s interesting SC, that part of his rating is based on how you make him feel. If he is a people person, would he also rate  them based on how they make him feel? For example, does his mood ebb and flow based on his perception of how he feels they are treating him? What is it about your orgasm that influences his rating? That makes me wonder if I would rate my wife similarly using the same criteria.

                    on August 5, 2020.

                    He is a people person, and his mood definitely ebbs and flows based on others.

                    With the orgasm, he said it’s because he views it as me being vulnerable with him and that I am opening myself up enough to share this with him.  It sounds like it really feeds into that emotional connection he needs.  To him, an orgasm is the proof that I am engaged and connecting with him.  (Is that true? I don’t know.)

                    I found this very interesting in relation to the connection of my “Not satisfied” thread.  I can see now why we have such drastic differences in ratings.   In one sense, he seems to be easy to please….but in another sense, it leaves him easily filled up and leaves me feeling much more empty in comparison.

                    on August 5, 2020.

                    That’s a good observation. If he gets connection/satisfaction when around people it’s easy to stay filled up. On the other hand, one bad comment from someone can derail the emotional train. I can also see your side of being left empty since your satisfaction isn’t tied up so much with people. It must be a bit frustrating in that regard.

                    I can also see his point of view regarding orgasm. Since guys tend to be doers/fixers, we find satisfaction when we see positive results, so if the wife doesn’t have an orgasm we think we fell short somewhere in the process. For a long time I felt similarly that if my wife didn’t orgasm she wasn’t pleasured and didn’t do my job (thinking she needed to have an orgasm every time) when that wasn’t true at all. Yes, I enjoy it when she does and I love watching her response during, but I came to learn that for her the orgasm itself isn’t what brings her satisfaction, it’s in the time we connected physically and intimately. She is, at times, just as content to be the giver only and will tell me she wanted to bring pleasure to me. We are both then satisfied.  So if I rated my performance on whether or not she had an orgasm all the time, it would be pretty low, that’s why there has to be so much more to it than just the big O at the end.

                    on August 5, 2020.
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                      Since I’m not a numbers guy it’s hard for me to put a number on a scale, but I think I would give the past year about a 7. Looking back there are always areas to improve, maybe not in the doing but in the attitude of doing it. For example, this past year has given my wife some tremendous challenges at work, especially since COVID began back in March that continues to this day. She has had to work longer days and more days and recently discussed with her boss a change is necessary because she has had no work/life (family) balance. Out of necessity, work has been consuming and last week she really felt the strain. I have worked through this past year to support her, be a “single” dad and manage much of the household duties of cooking and cleaning and shopping so that she can focus on other things or just because she didn’t have the time. That said, sometimes the added responsibilities that used to be shared weighed heavily on me with my own work duties in ministry so that sometimes while I did the work, it wasn’t always with the right heart. We also both agree that this past year has affected our sex lives where we got stuck in a rut of the same old ways and means, with a once in a great while spice it up night, but they were few and far between. Hoping that things begin to lessen on the work front, especially for her.

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 5, 2020.
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                        8,

                        6.

                        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 5, 2020.
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