08/13/2020 – Today’s Question of the Day

    What is one personal regret you have in your marriage bed past that you wish you (and only you, not your spouse) had handled differently or more maturely?

    For a long time I’d let my wife unilaterally veto stuff.  I’m usually on top, but I like her to be on top sometimes when I ejaculate so I can feel her body on me.  I can feel her whole body weight.  it feels nice.  Eventually, I was a little more insistent and she started doing it.  I should have done that earlier.

    on August 14, 2020.
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    11 Answer(s)

      I wish I had known what sex really meant to a man and that when he wanted sex, it wasn’t just about a physical release. I also wish I had believed him years ago, instead of only catching on to some things after discovering TMB.

      Under the stars Answered on August 13, 2020.

      Just be glad and praise the Lord now you’ve seen the light! 🙂

      on August 13, 2020.
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        For most of my marriage I assumed we would just naturally learn how to have a great sex and didn’t take the time to learn, grow, and explore new things.

        Queen bed Answered on August 13, 2020.
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          I can’t think of anything in my current marriage.

          In my FIRST marriage, I wish I’d lead better, or shall I say, protected both of us from fooling around, while dating. It didn’t help us after marriage. This is one of the reasons I fought so hard to protect my current DW and I while dating.  We entered our honeymoon with passion and purity which has lead us to awesome, regret-free and guilt-free sex after marriage this time around. I still marvel and celebrate that.

          Under the stars Answered on August 13, 2020.
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            To me, this is always a tricky question… I regret multiple things, the biggest would be the sexual refusal years with what damage I caused and what I missed out on, especially around a pregnancies… but, the power of redemption and grace is a powerful thing. Would I look as much like Jesus as I do if I didn’t have that redemptive experience? I don’t think I would have the same grace, the same wisdom, the same understanding and definitely not have the ministry I do. Though I regret it, out of the bitterness all the more sweeter life is. Out of the mess ups all the greater grace is.

            Under the stars Answered on August 13, 2020.
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              I wish I would have known a lot earlier, even one-half of what I now know! I would have understood Mrs. OWM more fully, been a better DH, handled perplexing situations with greater wisdom, and been a more generous and effective lover. While I don’t distain the learning experiences along the way, it sure feels better having some experience and knowledge in my marriage-bed tool box!

              Under the stars Answered on August 13, 2020.
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                Rejection: how I have handled it, and somewhat still struggle handling, could have been much better before and could use improvement even now.

                Leadership: when it started to become obvious that the rule of the lower desire was at work, I should have led better rather than ceding the leadership to my wife. Still have work to do in this arena. I guess that work never really ends…

                 

                Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 13, 2020.
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                  Not seeking help in the first year of marriage when sex started to unravel.  I was ashamed and scared to open up to anyone.  I felt broken and the only sources I found for “help” were some Christian sex books that made things worse and heaped on more shame

                  On the floor Answered on August 15, 2020.
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                    I wish I had not started taking hormonal birth control when we were first married.  It killed my libido and made me grumpy and that coupled with my selfishness got us off to a rocky start marriage bed wise.

                    On the floor Answered on August 17, 2020.
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                      When first married, I didn’t realize that my suggestion to bring in porn for ‘date nights’ would turn out the way it did. I am sure we would have had issues anyway, but more than once I sought it out for the both of us. It has been a long haul…God has worked in us, saved our marriage…and I am back here after some time away…the need for healing is not done.

                      Twin bed Answered on August 17, 2020.
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                        As @SC said, this can be tricky because several things could be listed.

                        But I’ll go with the biggest one–I regret how I handled my porn addiction. Although I confessed porn to her within a few weeks of us dating and then stayed clear of it while dating/engaged, it took less than a year to pop back up once we were married (I think it was my second business trip while married). Instead of hiding it for 11.5 years, during which the problem got worse with time, I should have confessed my transgression then and there and stamped it out.

                        While the other regrets I have don’t directly tie in with this one, I do think they’re indirectly related because the same core attitude contributed to them all.

                        -Scott

                        Under the stars Answered on August 13, 2020.

                        My own porn addiction was 28 years long going back to age 15 perhaps. But I would not agree to confessing to the wife for any man. Most women do not nor can they understand how visual stimulation to the brain works in a man. Most women get very grossed out and end up with various feelings such as the feeling their husband is not saved, or that he is a pervert or worse and shield him from their kids. No, confession means disaster mostly.

                        on August 14, 2020.

                        There are valid arguments to both sides of the confession debate, though I would disagree with your “most women” characterization. Some do, some don’t. If we react this way to someone confessing sin, we are NOT taking the heart and example of Jesus to mind.

                        But confession itself must be done. We can argue to whom. Or how, or how much where the whom is the spouse. But without confession and repentance, there is no forgiveness. You can make up your own mind who that refers to. The scripture says to confess our sins one to another. Yet David said “it is against you (God) and you alone I have sinned” Did he ever confess sin to Bathsheba? I don’t know. He wrote his confession and repentance down for us all to read, so I expect that very fact outlines his heart on the matter.

                        My wife heard my confession with an unbelievable heart of compassion and forgiveness. Had I tried to hide it from her, I doubt her heart would have been in the same place. Yet it hurt her. That hurt me. The results you warn against can certainly happen, but they are also an indication of heart problems on the other side of the confession, which is forgiveness. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Two poor choices of handling sin doesn’t produce a right outcome.

                        But I will agree to this point – if one is having what might be considered a “mild” distraction with some porn, it could be entirely appropriate to just handle that on your own, confess to God, and drop it after that. Just like if you find yourself lingering your gaze upon an attractive woman too long. Do you need to confess with grand gesture every time something like this happens? No. That makes it all about you, and that is not the answer.

                        But if you have a problem that is lingering, deeply engrained, and is causing obvious (or not so obvious) issues with your marriage and has been for some time, then full confession might be beneficial when done right. Sin does not live in the light, it multiplies in the dark.

                        on August 14, 2020.

                        I also need to disagree.  Porn is a sin against your spouse and is a form of adultery. To ever have hope of true intimacy, the sin must be confessed and accountability and true repentance must occur.

                        on August 14, 2020.

                        Agreed LBD & Wheat.

                        Although I disagree LBD that a “mild” porn distraction should be kept between God and oneself. It’s a quiet, usually private sin and confession to another person, ( at least for the sake of bringing the secret out) let alone for accountability I do believe is in order. It’s too easy to continue down that private road and sharing with another will help.

                        on August 15, 2020.

                        I disagree that porn is always sinful. I can see why some might think that. I wish I had realizes earlier my husbands mild use was not a reflection on me. Watching and reading some erotic material with him helped me understand. Of course you can overdo anything from work to wine.

                         

                        on August 15, 2020.

                        I think Matthew 5:28 makes it clear that watching porn is sinful. And one intentionally making such material for viewing by others is leading them into sin, which is also sinful. No, it may not be a reflection on you, but that doesn’t mean it’s not sinning.

                        -Scott

                        on August 16, 2020.
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