09/17/2020 – Today’s Question of the Day

How do your personality traits (positive or negative traits) affect the marriage bed?

For example: If you’re more reserved in person, are you reserved in TMB? If you’re afraid to speak up for yourself and ask for something you desire, are you the same way in TMB?

Are some of them more of a hindrance OR do they help you?

Are your “marriage bed traits” different from your “everyday traits?” For instance, if your spouse is/was a refuser/gatekeeper, but you’re normally an outgoing person in everything else, are you more hesitant in TMB vs. elsewhere?

California King Asked on September 17, 2020 in Question of the Day.
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7 Answer(s)

    In life I’m diligent. In my MB I work hard at making it good for myself and Mrs. OWM.

    In life I’m not super outgoing. But in my MB I am willing to try new things and move beyond the routine.

    In life I’m cognitive and analytical. In my MB I like to think things through to make things better and to grow.

    In life I’m warm  and affectionate. In my MB I enjoy skinship, touching, massages, etc.

    Under the stars Answered on September 17, 2020.
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      I like to be efficient, I want to go the quickest and most direct route to my destination, in travel, in conversation, in errands, etc…and yes, it comes out in sex. It can be a hindrance but it can also be good, it depends on what we are wanting out of our time.

      I think my personality is pretty much reflected in our sex lives. I can’t think of anything that I do completely different in the two places…..other than get nekkid.

      Under the stars Answered on September 17, 2020.
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        I’m quiet, reserved, but in TMB am a little more open than DH.
        He’s more of a jaw-Jack, but very reserved when it comes to TMB.
        🤷‍♀️

        California King Answered on September 17, 2020.

        What’s a jaw-jack? Lol

        on September 17, 2020.

        Lol. He has the gift of gab, when he feels like it. Ha.
        I could be content to not speak at all, all day.

        on September 17, 2020.

        Same as my DW. She talks a lot and relates well to all sorts of people. She is a bit prim and proper and would be horrified at watching the wrong thing on TV etc. I find it difficult to start sex with her but once I do she is amazingly broadminded. If I want to try something she will co-operate and seems to understand my kinky nature and even add to it. It amazes me as she has had a very sheltered upbringing leaving mummy and daddy quite late in life.

        on September 18, 2020.
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          In life or MB, I put my all into whatever I do.

          In life, I am guarded, but not in our MB.

          I am not a people pleaser in general, but I am a pleaser in the MB.

          I am practical and efficient in both, but working to not be quite so much that way in the MB.

          The fact is, I appear to be vastly different around the people that I am close to, versus the people I associate with, but am not very comfortable around. Let’s just say my DH has told me he is very thankful to be married to me so that he knows the real me, instead of how I appear to others.

          Under the stars Answered on September 17, 2020.
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            I don’t know if this fits the question but I’ll give it a go.

            People who know me best have described me as “intense” which sometimes intimidates or turns people off.

            I retired from a high stress job (aren’t they all?) 17 months ago.   Other than when on vacation for a week or 10 days when I could really unwind, it was almost impossible to  “escape from my job” and turn off the things going on at work when I was home, even in the MB.  (The exception would be when I consumed several alcoholic cocktails to ‘escape” but I didn’t do that very often, especially during the week, because I’d have “hair of the dog” the next morning, plus we didn’t keep much alcohol in the house then because of our alcoholic son.)   DW would sometimes ask me to “leave the office” during foreplay.. and I tried…  Really.

            Retirement has been great for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that I am no longer “bringing my work home” and our MB is more JOYFUL than it has been since pre-children.   My DW LOVES THAT I NOW LAUGH WHEN I EJACULATE INSIDE HER…. she says “Where has that been the last 40 years of our marriage? ”   

            So… all those years my intensity and  inability to leave my work at the office had taken a toll on the joy we both experienced in our LM.

            We can’t reclaim lost time but we can learn from our mistakes and change for the better.  (Maybe she’ll let me open up the playbook again before too long.)

            On the floor Answered on September 17, 2020.

            So do you think there is any way a wife can get that across to her DH, to TOTALLY leave his work at the bedroom door? Mine does to a certain extent, but not totally. I know he takes making a living very seriously, but he still brings too much of it with him.

            on September 17, 2020.

            Like I said, I tried.  I really did.  And I thought I was as much as it was possible (unless I basically got drunk.)  But it’s clear now that I wasn’t.

            My mother always worried that I was “so serious, even as a little boy” and maybe that’s just the way God created me.  I also know how insecure I was as a child because of the frightening things that my brothers and I witnessed between our parents so I was conditioned early in life to not let my guard down.  And to try to earn a lot of money because I thought it would solve a lot of the problems that my family was experiencing.

            That fear and motivation served me well in my work and I was a good provider but the areas of my/our life that were suffering from those same phenomena are still being discovered, almost daily. .. dimensions of my personality that DW hadn’t seen because I overrode them by a stronger impulse to remain in control as much as possible. And it is a new JOY for both of us.  I wrote LAUGH above but it’s more of a childish GIGGLE.

            So… I don’t know if you wives can be the catalyst for that but you can sure look for evidence that he’s trying and encourage him even when it’s a small step that he’s taken. That affirmation will reinforce itself.

            on September 17, 2020.

            Thanks, JLoydH. I might just read your post to DH if I get a chance and he has time to listen!

            on September 17, 2020.

            That is a very hard thing to do fully. It seems little things just pop in your head. Sometimes big things. For many years I was in a position that basically required 24/7 on-call availability. Not that I always had to go out, but I was expected to be available if needed (farm animals do not take time off.) I would field phone calls at all hours. Have gotten up at 2:30am more than once. You have to choose to let that bother you or not. Now that the pressure of that has changed, it is still hard not to operate in that mode mentally. You get used to having something pulling on you. Then when it’s not, you are not quite sure what it is, but something feels wrong. So if you are prone to irritability from stress, the stress just takes another form.

            on September 17, 2020.
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              I am holding a lot back here on TMB. I do not have a personality that will just allow people to insult me, which has happened here (and among so-called Christians). There are TMB rules and perhaps it keeps me nice and several times Scott or others have called me out on my divisiveness.

              I often have real honest questions for a marriage that needs a fix. I also have many years of marriage experience and also many years of Bible scholar study and also many years of willful sin, so I do possess some wisdom that could be helpful to anyone.

              Anonymity is key here. My wife is unaware I reveal sexual issues here. But she often tells her fiends about my sexual habits/complaints so we’re even.

              And, no one here knows me and the name I use is not mine. I’ve given plenty of clues to m y life, so IF my wife ever came here, she surely would suspect this is me.

              I tend to try to avoid venting, but many times I do. I’m more concerned about truth and reality. For instance, 80% of married couples the man is high sex drive. This is important.

              Personality aside, truth can then be used to follow with a solution or despair.

              Example; many believe a low drive person cannot be changed. Many believe otherwise.

              California King Answered on September 17, 2020.

              What does this have to do with the question?

              on September 17, 2020.

              I think he took “TMB” to mean this site, not “the marriage bed’ as in HIS Marriage Bed.

              on September 17, 2020.

              I guess that would make more sense…. maybe. Lol

              on September 18, 2020.
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                My personality is to be more reserved with others, to be cautious in how I do things probably because I lean toward being a perfectionist. I also like to take a direct path. I generally don’t like scenic routes because I want to get to my destination. On the other hand, in TMB, I don’t see myself as reserved but rather more willing to try something new, experiment with things that might be a bit edgier. And when it comes to sex, I do like to take my time and enjoy the journey. My wife’s personality is about opposite. She’s outgoing with others and takes the scenic route to destinations. She is methodical in her job (nurse/manager) and very thorough. In TMB bed though, she is less so. She is less likely to want to experiment with something new and while she enjoys sex, doesn’t want it to take too long. For example, if we are playing a bedroom board game she would rather use the same player piece to advance through the game faster than to use a player piece for each of us.

                Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on September 17, 2020.
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