1/2/2020 – Today’s Question(s) of the Day
We all have inner stories that we believe without confronting them (e.g. “I’m always been fat…My spouse will never enjoy the marriage bed…I can never orgasm.”)
What story or stories have you told yourself that you need God’s help to change them and/or see them in a new light (whether the stories are marriage bed-related or personal)?
I dwell on thinking that I’m not good enough at sex, lack confidence, not a good enough husband, not take charge enough to make my wife really want and desire sex with me. Not whatever enough to make her passionately persue me or respond to me and really let go and get into it. All of this inspite of learning about responsive desire/LD and the fact that we do have sex two or three times a week. It’s really hard to let go of desiring a hot/deeply intimate marriage bed and focus on all of the wonderful blessings we have in our marriage.
That i’m not a normal person, why am i so weird that i just don’t have what it takes?
Feel a LOT of shame that i cannot work and that burden is squarely on my husband (he’s 14 yrs older then me) even though he says he’s fine with it
Just why am i so inadequate, insecure, fearful (childhood abuse talking to me all of the time)
That God can use me in Heaven but not so much on this earth because i spend so much time just trying to overcome myself
That i had beauty as an adult but now that i’m older, as a woman, i will become less and less relevant and more invisible (not just talking about looks)
That I am only wanted and loved for all my capabilities and all the work I do, that I am not good for much else.
That God does not love me like He loves other people, because of my family name.
That I am to blame for everything that ever happens around here.
That no one would miss me if I died.
That a temperament like mine, is bad in a woman, but good in men.
That I am weird because I don’t think the same as everyone else.
I just wanted to say i DID confront an inner feeling that was very hard to overcome but i made the conscious CHOICE to do so, one because it’s pleasing to the Lord and it is obedience and two, because it opened up a deeper relationship with God.
I had a horrible example for a father and i do not REALLY know the unconditional, non sexual, protective, valued love of a Father for his daughter. I was watching Tom Cruise in a Jack Reacher movie (never go back, i think) and he was trying to find out if the teenage girl in the storyline was his daughter (she was not) and at the end, both realizing they were not father/daughter, she made her feelings known that she wished that he was her father and she ran and hugged him (she portraying a tough girl) and exposed such vulnerability and i cried. There is still that girl inside of me.
Thankfully i have a husband that embodies MOST of that and for this reason i am unendingly grateful to God. But anyway this is a lie that i chose to overcome, that my FATHER LOVES ME. ME! Not that i feel it but i am not going to dishonor the Lord and tell Him i don’t feel it, that that can’t be true, that He is indeed a liar. That is when a breakthrough came. I hope this encourages someone.
I struggle with believing I will always be rejected. I often believe my DH is rejecting me when he is not because I have experienced so much rejection in my life. I believe that God loves everyone, that each person has value, that he has purpose and plans for each believer, but I often have a little voice whispering “except me”. I’m too weak and undependable, he’s given me so many chances, I’ve proven to him that I’m a bad bet. I’m more trouble than I’m worth. I fight these thoughts because I know that what I feel is not the same as what I know. I am working on the rejection thing in therapy with EMDR (that’s actually how we traced a lot of disparate feelings back to that one concept and it helps a lot to realize that other things I deal with are really just symptoms of this one thing–fear of rejection.)
It’s a work in progress. 😉
Lord let me hear your voice. Protect me from the voice that deceives me into lies. You made me for a purpose, I pray that I will keep my eyes on that. Let me be all that you made me to be; let me accept all that is outside my hands; let me do good with what is inside my hands. When I doubt myself, let me trust in you and what you say is good. Let me have a heart after your own heart. Amen.