10/15/2020 – Today’s Question of the Day

As you look back at your relationship with your spouse, what decisions did you make (whether on your own or with your spouse) that you now look back on and think, “Wow! I was a clueless fool!!!”

This could be something while dating/courting your spouse as well.

California King Asked on October 15, 2020 in Question of the Day.
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7 Answer(s)

    That’s a difficult question! When we got married I decided that I wouldn’t ask DW for sexual things that she didn’t offer. I did that out of ignorance of how mutual a MB should be, a desire to be respectful, etc. However, I was totally unaware that she doesn’t excel in creativity and exploration in the MB! So, I’ve had to go against that decision many times 😉

    Under the stars Answered on October 15, 2020.

    I feel like I could have written this post. If it hadn’t been for my insistence, some of the things that she loves the most now would still be off the table. I have struggled with feeling guilty for pushing……..but she has thanked me later for it.

    7 days ago.
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      Before we were married, and before I knew much about sex, I foolishly thought I loved (future) DH enough that I could spare 5 minutes twice a week for sex, even though it wouldn’t mean anything to me.

      Under the stars Answered on October 15, 2020.
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        My answers are practical. I wish we’d had a smaller wedding and made different employment choices during our early marriage. I think I should’ve detached myself from the time-consuming volunteer work I was involved in and focused time on my DH as it was a stressful time for him and I wish I’d been there more for him.
        Maybe ultimately the assumption I made was that we were strong, independent grown-ups (not needy) and that sacrificing for a noble cause was ok.

        Hammock Answered on October 15, 2020.
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          Allowing outside people(parents, family, etc) to influence my romantic relationships.

          Not talking enough about topics such as sex, children, money and church before marriage. These topics an others should be discussed in detail prior to marriage.

          Double bed Answered on October 15, 2020.

          Yes, they should

          6 days ago.
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            I should never have berated my husband for spending money (that I didn’t think we could afford) early on in our marriage. I cringe now when I think about it. In the long run, it didn’t matter.

            On the floor Answered on October 15, 2020.
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              I have multiple ones, but a few are…

              My lack of understanding of male sexuality and thinking it was, or should be like mine, that led to issues on frequency and my suggestion of bringing porn in and thinking we could easily get rid of it.

              Not getting help and guidance those first few years.

              Under the stars Answered on October 15, 2020.

              After reading @LIL, that reminded me of one, it was responding badly to some gifts, particularly one particular Xmas gift.

              on October 15, 2020.

              Me too (sigh)

              on October 15, 2020.
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                I don’t know if this really “fits” since I would still say the same thing… you guys decide:  many years ago (25+/-) I told DW that “I don’t want you to do anything in our MB that makes you feel cheap or disrespected”.…   I don’t exactly remember the context but I do know that at the time we still occasionally performed OS on each other, much to my delight.  It was a 5-6 X per year event back then, usually reserved for vacations, trips away by ourselves, and other times when our sons were not in the house – definitely not on our weekly menu.

                About 6 years ago DW abruptly took it off the menu for good with very little explanation and I can’t get her to tell me exactly why.    Sometimes I think I invited her prohibition of OS with such a blanket statement – even for a delight that I think our Creator is perfectly happy for us to enjoy.   I’ve expressed my desire and shown her the Biblical basis in SoS for it in the MB but “(She) loves (me) but I just don’t want to do that any more.”

                I remember how appalled she was by the Clinton-Lewinsky episode (as was I for his serial adultery and especially his abuse of power over a subordinate – even if she was a willing and eager participant – but that’s a different subject.   It was a tasteless, sordid affair, totally unbecoming of the office.)   Whether that’s a factor or not, I don’t know.

                On the floor Answered on October 15, 2020.

                It’s interesting that you brought up Clinton / Lewinsky. She and I had mutual acquaintances during that time frame, it was a hot topic among my friends, and it did affect my view of OS. Not enough to alter it completely, but it did cross my mind a couple times while performing it in the early days. It absolutely was seen by many of us young women as being a cheaper alternative to full sex. The kind that you perform because the guy doesn’t care enough about you to give you the consideration of any real relationship, or even a real bed. We were bombarded by it for so long, and I had heard other things (true or not) by our mutual acquaintances that made it worse for me. I couldn’t just click off the tv to avoid it.

                But those days have long since past for me, and I never think about it. The fact that it entered your mind even now makes me wonder if there may in fact be something more to it in your marriage. I think it’s worth it to open the discussion. Gently, of course, without inviting any kind of comparison to the broken person that Lewinsky must have been then. It may just be that she doesn’t like it and was afraid to tell you at first.

                7 days ago.

                Thanks for your insights DoveGrey.  Until I was overcome with passion during a heavy petting session with (future) DW I thought of BJ’s the same way that you described them… and there’s no doubt that I shocked her going down on her even though she  clearly O’d.  I had been intimate with previous girlfriends but she was my first experience in OS either way, and it was passion but much more than sex.  Even so, you may be right that she was NEVER comfortable with it because she was raised very conservatively in a home where sex was never discussed except her parent’s standing instruction “Don’t”. I can’t imagine the horrors that ML suffered as her indiscretion was front-page news for weeks and weeks… and that memory revives my disgust of BC even now.   I’ve seen where she is now matured and is using her sad experience to help others and I applaud her and wish her well.    That you had mutual friends must have made it more real, and you even more empathetic. P.S. Congratulations to you for overcoming any negativity that was commonly felt and seeing it as the blessing to your husband  and to you that God intends for it to be.

                6 days ago.
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