6/26/20 – Today’s Question of the Day
Dr. Corey Allen of SMR podcast says “For great sex to occur two WHOLE people have to be present.” How can that happen? What are the distractions, problems, hindrances you find and how are you over coming yours? If it’s your partner’s personal issue(s), how can you encourage them and/or aid in their addressing them?
Some mentioned the “whole”ness statement.
To me it goes to two people who are relatively emotionally healthy, self-aware, and willing to serve, communicate well, etc. It doesn’t mean “perfect”. The point of the statement was in comparison to individuals who are selfish, unwilling to learn and grow, unwilling to serve the other inside and outside the bedroom, an inability to listen to others and/or inability to communicate their own needs and desires in a mature manner.
“Accelerating our “becoming” involves saying yes to God again and again and again. It is not a posture of striving but of releasing. It looks a lot more like yielding than pushing through to the next goal. We collapse into God’s life within us. “Christ in me, help me” becomes our prayer. That is why he often brings us to the end of our ropes, the end of ourselves. Because it is from there we turn from our striving and raise our arms in surrender to our God again to save us.
By faith, we turn to him. By faith, we choose to believe that he hears our prayer. By faith, we believe he is good and is for us. By faith, we trust that though we may not see it or feel it, God is at work in us and for us. Because he says he is. “- Stasi Eldredge (Becoming Myself)
That^ is how I am working on myself. We have to remember we are a people of process, we are becoming whom He created us to be. God created us to be a people of process, and that includes the becoming of being “WHOLE” and in our sexuality. If we think any young married is “whole” we are kidding ourselves, no matter how ‘good’ their childhood was. Being married is the perfect tool for God to show us the sin (or brokenness) in us, so that we can be sanctified.
We’ve both worked a lot lately on overcoming our insecurities in bed and that has helped our sex life immensely. For me, it been trying something new for PE (Promescent) and while it does help quite a bit, I’ve also really let go of the frustration and shame over not being able to last longer on my own. For DW, it’s frustration with her body caused my medical issues, needing a vibe to orgasm, and worrying about the kids hearing us.
Part of our working to overcome those things and is open dialogue about them. By getting them out in the open between us, we become fully known by one another. That’s intimacy, and it removes them from the shame category where we’re trying to hide them from each other.
(I haven’t listened to the podcast) In principle I resonate with the statement. But, in all cases, we are dealing with an approximation of wholeness of the two people and the greatness of the sex. Because, if the statement was literally true, probably none of us would have or even hope for great sex. Even if both spouses are reasonably whole, there are many factors outside of wholeness (as you acknowledge – distractions, life problems, COVID, etc.) that impact the level of greatness of our sex lives. In addition , the statement indicates that they both need to be present. Even two fully whole people, would not always be fully present at all times.
For me it is always a matter of taking aim at the right thing. And then re-aiming at it again! For instance, while I walk daily with Jesus by the power of the Spirit, I take aim at faithfulness to Him, take aim at wholeness in rightly-ordered living, yes, seeking to be whole person in Christ. That helps me have a better relationship with DW which also contributes to having greater sex.
Aside from taking the right aim, I seek to set aside – at least momentarily- the stresses of life and work. I also seek to resolve relational issues early on. I find it is important to make time for our relationship and for sex. I’m always trying to work at meeting DW’s emotional and social needs by listening, being there for her, etc.
So I think your main question was, “What are the distractions, problems, hindrances you find and how are you over coming yours?”
Our biggest distractions, problems, hindrances are: the dog who thinks if we are snuggling on the bed she has to be in on it; our daughter, who has become a vampire and stays up all night and sleeps all day and doesn’t like for us to canoodle; and my DH’s constant overwork and resulting exhaustion. We are training the dog to sleep on her own bed, we give her Melatonin, and do our darndest to ignore her; we go to bed and leave DD to her own devices, even though she leaves the lights on and stays up too late; and I just found out DH is taking an extra day off for the 4th! 😀 I’m so happy about that, because that’s really the only thing, I think, that will help with his exhaustion is to take a break once in a while.
I’ve been a follower of Corey for many years. I’ve read most of his written work as well. His view of “wholeness” is possibly a little unique to what most people would think. But basically, I can describe it best by it’s antonyms. The simplest would be the opposite of needy. To me, what you are asking seems more to represent two people who are “present” in the moment. I can be whole, yet still distracted in the moment. I do agree that there is a difference in being distracted by stress at work and being distracted by the cat that just jumped on my face. And if someone is overcome with stress at work or similar, and is constantly distracted from the needs, wants and desires of their spouse, I suppose one could argue that they are not “whole.” They’re certainly not “present.” However, I believe what Dr. Allen is more focused on is two people who are willing to bring their entire selves into the relationship, unencumbered with self pity or fear. Not fearful of letting go. Willing to be vulnerable in every way. Not having hidden agendas or hidden fears.
I believe it was Gary Thompson who wrote “Marriage was not designed to make us happy. It is designed to make us holy.” The key being that once we understand full submission to God is the only thing that allows unencumbered happiness, we can submit our marriage to Him and the resulting holiness will bring contentment, joy and satisfaction.
…the dig is that requires us fully submitting ourselves to Him first…
Yes LBD. We’re all sinners and none of us are perfect. I define wholeness as being complete and not “needy” in an unhealthy way. I don’t need another to “make me complete” or “happy”. With Christ, I can be intrinsically whole. Do I have needs? Yes, but I don’t “need” my spouse to complete me.
Whole people give generously out of their emotional & spiritual health and abundance so when two “whole” people meet and give that way there is relational power in that. It’s why Jesus is so awesome. Whole people don’t need to cling to and “take from” the other person. They don’t worry about what they’re getting because the other person is giving to them just as they’re giving to the other person.
DW’s now ex begged her not to leave him and his “philandering ways”. He didn’t apology or want to change; instead he said, “Don’t leave me. I can’t be alone!” He could only think about himself.
Having dated again after a divorce and being around ministry and the church literally my ENTIRE life, I’ve seen people who are needy and looking for fulfillment and wholeness in work, relationships, possessions, hobbies, etc. all sorts of people and things but the only person who can find wholeness and healing is the one looking to Jesus. And from a relational standpoint in dating and in family, work and life, whole people are the most attractive people in the world.