Advice – clitoral stimulation vs vaginal
These questions encompass a few topics.
Due to DH’s health at this time (which we are working on but it’s a slow process), a nice erection or even lasting erection is becoming rare, coupled with schedule incompatibilities that make capitalizing on morning erection, for instance, next to impossible. My questions aren’t about his issues. I’m trying to keep things positive and supportive and we’ve been able to have some LM that is usually trying PIV and then moving on to HJ after we can’t achieve a full erection. Bringing DH to climax this way is easy for me. Bringing me to climax without my favorite PIV is frustrating and seemingly futile. DH has tried, but I wonder if either I’m missing something, or if I should just bring a ‘dildo’ type toy to the conversation?
DH has given OS, it feels nice and even arousing but nothing comes of it…
Tried clitoral stimulation w/fingers and to be honest, I’ve brought myself to climax this way but it takes lots of pressure and lots of time (45 min). And the O doesn’t compare to PIV.
Thought a vibrator would help so I have a basic non-penetration version and… it’s no easier to climax with it than with fingers and it can’t come near my clitoris or it’s actually uncomfortable.
Are there any others who find clitoral/external stimulation to be difficult? Anyone who’s been able to make improvements in this area?
On the one hand I feel there is absolutely room for improvement and it could be fun to try(or frustrating), and I don’t want to give up entirely. But on the other hand, if ‘PIV’ works and is a more pleasurable O… 🤷♀️
(Edited by @S+Z at 1:01 pm EDT)
An insertable rabbit-style vibrator, where you can receive external clitoral AND internal g-spot stimulation, sounds like it might be helpful. It did wonders for DW, opening up a new world for her, who despite menopause, does have a fairly easy time O’ing once things get going, certainly less than the 45 minutes you mention. I got a $30 best seller/highly recommended from marrieddance.com (one of the TMB supporters) and it opened up crazy stuff from what she’d ever experienced before.
I do think that you should “unpack” the issue with your husband about your needs and desires, especially in light of his erectile issues. He may feel some inadequacy because of this and moving forward. DW only uses the toy with me and it’s not an every time occurrence. I will still manually and orally stimulate her (clit and breasts, sucking, making out while it’s between her legs), sometimes to O, and other times I’ll do that as foreplay and then she’ll bring out the toy and I’ll continue the stimulation so it’s something we’re enjoying together and I’m still actively involved.
Yes, I’ll admit I’ve been a little jealous a few times BUT with our ongoing communication about our marriage and marriage bed, we’re able to discuss and adjust as needed.
Hope that helps.
I am not one who struggles with external stimulation. I have been masturbating, and orgasming, before I even knew what they were. But, that doesn’t take away that I really had an issue when my husband started showing signs of ED/low T. A soft penis just can’t do what a hard penis can. For me, there’s no orgasm as satisfying as one built by the sensations only his fully erect penis can give.
That being said, back in the day, before my husband realized or was willing to admit he had an issue (I think he was thinking it was me and the effects of birthing 4 babies), he shopped and bought a penis sleeve. He wasn’t intimidated about it, and he bought it to be a benefit to me…and it was. Even though his issues are long gone, thanks to trt, we both still enjoy using it for the variety.
My DW does require external (clitoral) stimulation with a vibrator to O, but that is greatly assisted by internal stimulation, so we can relate. And like @SC, the O is definitely superior with a hard penis (mine) inside her. Thus, nearly all of her O’s come (pun intended) with concurrent internal stimulation. I’ll share a few thoughts/options:
- FINGERS. I think this one is vastly underrated for women who love internal stimulation. Has your husband attempted, and gotten good with, his fingers for internal stimulation? Like you, my DW dearly loves PIV, but there are times my fingers+vibe can push her over the edge when PIV+vibe has not. Essentially, PIV is more arousing for her, but fingers (sometimes) have the ability to push through the O cliff/wall better. And while you can read about “normal” ways to finger a lady, your husband really should explore. My “go to” spot with internal fingering absolutely does not align with anything I’ve read (G-spot, A-spot, etc). At this point, it’s not at all uncommon for her to ask me to finish if she’s struggling, then we switch to fingers. Sometimes we’ll do fingers as part of the warm-up process too! 🙂
- Sleeves. I know @SC covered it, but I did want to mention this. It’s definitely a way to simulate PIV without his penis at max power. Some sleeves even work with a flaccid penis, IIRC. One thing to watch for with both sleeves and dildos will be his self-esteem. Many men can feel inadequate or ashamed of not being able to perform in PIV. While I largely (or not so largely…puns) can perform quite well in PIV, I certainly had/have some mental hurdles to get over in this area, as Zelda has expressed interest in sleeves/dildos.I imagine that someone with ED would have even more mental insecurities. And while a lot of ED stems from a physical reason, the mental aspects (the negative feelings mentioned above) can exacerbate or even “take over” for the physical reasons once they’ve been corrected! Thus, definitely make sure to stay on the same page as your husband here.
- Dildos. Largely the same as #2. I think one thing to mention for both dildos and fingers is that having him do it prior to PIV can be good, as many men’s heads will be more in the game if they do this pre-O.
- External vibes. I’d suggest not giving up on this yet. Even “vibe-loving” women won’t like every vibe. Since direct application to your clitoris doesn’t work (not abnormal), keep it further away…and have you control it. And if you’re doing that, a “rumbly vibe” might work better than a “buzzy one”. You didn’t mention if you were using the vibe as a standalone or with concurrent PIV. If not concurrent with PIV, absolutely mix them. As I recall, you’ve previously said WOT is your go-to position, so a good, rumbly vibe for that would be the We-Vibe Tango. And if vibe+PIV doesn’t work, you can try a rabbit (or equivalent) vibe like @NWNL suggested or do fingers+vibe.
- Foreplay. I know it’s going to be hard to fit into your schedule, but the long and slow buildup could be just what both you AND your DH need!
Hope that helps, and good luck!
My DW prefers clitoral stimulation and can get very sensitized if it goes on for too long. Also, DW prefers ‘rumbly’ vibrations to ‘buzzy’ ones. In particular, we use a wand from Body Style that she says has the low, deep, rumbly vibrations she prefers. Typically, she lies down on top of it in order to O, and while she is doing that I lie next to her so I can tickle/massage back, buttocks. Also, as she gets closer, I play with her lady bits, and it seems on most occasions it is my fingering her that pushes her over the cliff. Similar to what Scott said, the spots that seem to work for my wife are not the ones you hear about when discussing ‘how to finger a woman’. It took a lot of experimenting to find what works, so you need to be patient as you seek out what works best for you. Good luck!
Lots of great advice from well-experienced folks!
As we’ve aged, we turn to mutual masturbation quite often – it’s fun, very pleasurable, requires less energy, and we make it relaxing. Relaxing is key for Mrs. Oldbear. I also give her my full attention as she controls her pace, rhythm, and drive for her O. A non-toy technique that we use is for her to use her hands to caress and play with her left breast as her right hand focuses on her clit and labia. My mouth skillfully attends to her right breast and both hands and fingers are in action; one giving her g-spot attention and the other on her rosebud with gentle penetration. We work together and I pay close attention to her cues and verbalization. This works well for us, try it!