Advice – clitoral stimulation vs vaginal

    These questions encompass a few topics.

    Due to DH’s health at this time (which we are working on but it’s a slow process), a nice erection or even lasting erection is becoming rare, coupled with schedule incompatibilities that make capitalizing on morning erection, for instance, next to impossible. My questions aren’t about his issues. I’m trying to keep things positive and supportive and we’ve been able to have some LM that is usually trying PIV and then moving on to HJ after we can’t achieve a full erection. Bringing DH to climax this way is easy for me. Bringing me to climax without my favorite PIV is frustrating and seemingly futile. DH has tried, but I wonder if either I’m missing something, or if I should just bring a ‘dildo’ type toy to the conversation?

    DH has given OS, it feels nice and even arousing but nothing comes of it…
    Tried clitoral stimulation w/fingers and to be honest, I’ve brought myself to climax this way but it takes lots of pressure and lots of time (45 min). And the O doesn’t compare to PIV.

    Thought a vibrator would help so I have a basic non-penetration version and… it’s no easier to climax with it than with fingers and it can’t come near my clitoris or it’s actually uncomfortable.
    Are there any others who find clitoral/external stimulation to be difficult? Anyone who’s been able to make improvements in this area?

    On the one hand I feel there is absolutely room for improvement and it could be fun to try(or frustrating), and I don’t want to give up entirely. But on the other hand, if ‘PIV’ works and is a more pleasurable O… 🤷‍♀️

    (Edited by @S+Z at 1:01 pm EDT)

    Not sure how I got the “1” indentation in there.

    on October 13, 2020.

    I tried to edit it for you, but my computer makes the emojis REALLY big for some reason, so I opted not to edit it. If you’d like it fixed and lose the emoji at the end, just say so.

    -Scott

    on October 13, 2020.

    Sure, thanks!

    on October 13, 2020.

    Fixed it! And despite the emoji appearing MASSIVE in the typing section, it appears fine after the post! 😀

    on October 13, 2020.

    Haha! Thanks again!

    on October 13, 2020.
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    8 Answer(s)

      An insertable rabbit-style vibrator, where you can receive external clitoral AND internal g-spot stimulation, sounds like it might be helpful. It did wonders for DW, opening up a new world for her, who despite menopause, does have a fairly easy time O’ing once things get going, certainly less than the 45 minutes you mention. I got a $30 best seller/highly recommended from marrieddance.com (one of the TMB supporters) and it opened up crazy stuff from what she’d ever experienced before.

      I do think that you should “unpack” the issue with your husband about your needs and desires, especially in light of his erectile issues. He may feel some inadequacy because of this and moving forward.  DW only uses the toy with me and it’s not an every time occurrence. I will still manually and orally stimulate her (clit and breasts, sucking, making out while it’s between her legs), sometimes to O, and other times I’ll do that as foreplay and then she’ll bring out the toy and I’ll continue the stimulation so it’s something we’re enjoying together and I’m still actively involved.

      Yes, I’ll admit I’ve been a little jealous a few times BUT with our ongoing communication about our marriage and marriage bed, we’re able to discuss and adjust as needed.

      Hope that helps.

      Under the stars Answered on October 13, 2020.

      We’re definitely beginning to unpack, as it were, and he’s making an effort. I think I’ll definitely have to navigate his feelings of inadequacy if/when a penetrative toy is brought up in conversation. Any advice on that?

      on October 13, 2020.

      IDK your husband and his mental and emotional state with this so I can’t comment directly to he and your relationship.

      For DW & I, we believe in having a “naked marriage” that means complete & open communication & full honesty (no secrets), including sex, so having a sexual discussion or sharing fantasies, dreams, etc. isn’t weird or never done. Again, when DW uses the toy, I am actively involved in our sexual play, before and during the toy so I’m never left out AND we always engage in PIV after her orgasm(s). I just found myself a little jealous and wondering if she couldn’t O without it. She proved me wrong the other day when I brought her to O manually and all was “forgiven”. 😀

      I think having regularly conversations with your husband if you purchase and use something, reassuring him of your love and satisfaction with him, and keep him involved in the usage of the toy. It’s a part of the lovemaking journey TOGETHER.

      I would think the toy I’m suggesting would be good for you because it has the external vibrations and the insert  gyrates/rotates around. The are new, more expensive toys that have an in/out, expand out 1″ or more which might be good but that may be more awkward to try first. Again, the toy I’m suggesting was $30 so you’re not out much to try.

      on October 13, 2020.

      Wondering what you have we have been looking at the Lelo Soraya Wave it works inside and out.

      5 days ago.
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        I am not one who struggles with external stimulation. I have been masturbating, and orgasming, before I even knew what they were. But, that doesn’t take away that I really had an issue when my husband started showing signs of ED/low T. A soft penis just can’t do what a hard penis can. For me, there’s no orgasm as satisfying as one built by the sensations only his fully erect penis can give.

        That being said, back in the day, before my husband realized or was willing to admit he had an issue (I think he was thinking it was me and the effects of birthing 4 babies), he shopped and bought a penis sleeve. He wasn’t intimidated about it, and he bought it to be a benefit to me…and it was. Even though his issues are long gone, thanks to trt, we both still enjoy using it for the variety.

        Under the stars Answered on October 13, 2020.

        Yes, the O from PIV is much better. Thanks for the input about the sleeve.

        on October 13, 2020.

        How does penis sleeve work?  Any recommendations of brand/type?

        on October 13, 2020.

        @alex, you slip your penis into it.  It’s basically like a very thick condom in the shape of a penis. 🙂   I can share a link to what we use and the tips my husband found to make our experience better, if you would like to PM me.

        on October 13, 2020.

        @SeekingChange, I’d love to know also

        on October 13, 2020.

        SC, I’m curious about the sleeve as well. Some of the ones I’ve looked at are pretty intimidating. Can’t seem to get the pm to work, it’s telling me fatal error whenever I click on your name??

        on October 14, 2020.

        @Tim… I am having issues with PMing you.  When I put your name into the recipient box, you aren’t in the top 4 options, and I have no way to scroll down to find your username.

        Can you try to go here https://qna.themarriagebed.com/pms/  and type in my username and select it?

        I have no problem sharing my tips and things here, but I don’t want to add a link to the product publicly.

        on October 14, 2020.
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          My DW does require external (clitoral) stimulation with a vibrator to O, but that is greatly assisted by internal stimulation, so we can relate. And like @SC, the O is definitely superior with a hard penis (mine) inside her. Thus, nearly all of her O’s come (pun intended) with concurrent internal stimulation. I’ll share a few thoughts/options:

          1. FINGERS. I think this one is vastly underrated for women who love internal stimulation. Has your husband attempted, and gotten good with, his fingers for internal stimulation? Like you, my DW dearly loves PIV, but there are times my fingers+vibe can push her over the edge when PIV+vibe has not. Essentially, PIV is more arousing for her, but fingers (sometimes) have the ability to push through the O cliff/wall better. And while you can read about “normal” ways to finger a lady, your husband really should explore. My “go to” spot with internal fingering absolutely does not align with anything I’ve read (G-spot, A-spot, etc). At this point, it’s not at all uncommon for her to ask me to finish if she’s struggling, then we switch to fingers. Sometimes we’ll do fingers as part of the warm-up process too! 🙂
          2. Sleeves. I know @SC covered it, but I did want to mention this. It’s definitely a way to simulate PIV without his penis at max power. Some sleeves even work with a flaccid penis, IIRC. One thing to watch for with both sleeves and dildos will be his self-esteem. Many men can feel inadequate or ashamed of not being able to perform in PIV. While I largely (or not so largely…puns) can perform quite well in PIV, I certainly had/have some mental hurdles to get over in this area, as Zelda has expressed interest in sleeves/dildos.I imagine that someone with ED would have even more mental insecurities. And while a lot of ED stems from a physical reason, the mental aspects (the negative feelings mentioned above) can exacerbate or even “take over” for the physical reasons once they’ve been corrected! Thus, definitely make sure to stay on the same page as your husband here.
          3. Dildos. Largely the same as #2. I think one thing to mention for both dildos and fingers is that having him do it prior to PIV can be good, as many men’s heads will be more in the game if they do this pre-O.
          4. External vibes. I’d suggest not giving up on this yet. Even “vibe-loving” women won’t like every vibe. Since direct application to your clitoris doesn’t work (not abnormal), keep it further away…and have you control it. And if you’re doing that, a “rumbly vibe” might work better than a “buzzy one”. You didn’t mention if you were using the vibe as a standalone or with concurrent PIV. If not concurrent with PIV, absolutely mix them. As I recall, you’ve previously said WOT is your go-to position, so a good, rumbly vibe for that would be the We-Vibe Tango. And if vibe+PIV doesn’t work, you can try a rabbit (or equivalent) vibe like @NWNL suggested or do fingers+vibe.
          5. Foreplay. I know it’s going to be hard to fit into your schedule, but the long and slow buildup could be just what both you AND your DH need!

          Hope that helps, and good luck!

          -Scott

          Under the stars Answered on October 13, 2020.

          Thanks @Scott+Zelda.
          1. It sounds painful (flashbacks to ob/gyn stirrups), ha. We’ve done some but didn’t get far, it probably just needs to be relaxing, slow-paced. For sure we will spend more time exploring this area.
          2&3, I definitely don’t want him to feel insecure about it, we’re having some good conversations so I might feel that out.
          4. I have a “buzzy” vibrator, I’ve either controlled it myself or used it during PIV. I think it actually took away from the O I had during PIV. It was a stretch for DH to be OK with me getting that one, as low-key as it is, so l’ll have to work up to another.
          5. Yes, always true!!

          Thanks for the input

          on October 13, 2020.

          You probably know this, but fingering should NOT be painful in the slightest. Properly cut/filed smooth fingernails are, of course, required. But the fingering “girth” and “length” should be no bigger, and likely smaller, than almost all penises. Honestly, one of the best finger+vibe sessions we ever had was right after PIV and only involved ONE finger. You can do lots of play in this area, as you shouldn’t get sore and your positioning can have an effect on your sensations too (see my previous post: https://qna.themarriagebed.com/question/effect-of-position-on-physical-pleasure/ ).

          Re: vibrators, I’m guessing with more communication your husband will open up in that area. External vibes are in no way a threat to a husband if used during PIV…only an addition/complement. They could be a “threat” for OS by replacing him in that area, but that doesn’t sound like an issue for you either, as it’s not a go-to for you two.

          -Scott

          on October 13, 2020.
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            My DW prefers clitoral stimulation and can get very sensitized if it goes on for too long. Also, DW prefers ‘rumbly’ vibrations to ‘buzzy’ ones. In particular, we use a wand from Body Style that she says has the low, deep, rumbly vibrations she prefers. Typically, she lies down on top of it in order to O, and while she is doing that I lie next to her so I can tickle/massage back, buttocks. Also, as she gets closer, I play with her lady bits, and it seems on most occasions it is my fingering her that pushes her over the cliff.  Similar to what Scott said, the spots that seem to work for my wife are not the ones you hear about when discussing ‘how to finger a woman’.  It took a lot of experimenting to find what works, so you need to be patient as you seek out what works best for you. Good luck!

            Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 14, 2020.
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              My wife loves a vibrator on her clit and gets her rally turned on, but she said it feels better if she has something on the inside when she orgasms.  She has a rubber dildo she will put in right before she climaxes.

              On the floor Answered on October 14, 2020.
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                Lots of great advice from well-experienced folks!

                As we’ve aged, we turn to mutual masturbation quite often – it’s fun, very pleasurable, requires less energy, and we make it relaxing. Relaxing is key for Mrs. Oldbear. I also give her my full attention as she controls her pace, rhythm, and drive for her O. A non-toy technique that we use is for her to use her hands to caress and play with her left breast as her right hand focuses on her clit and labia. My mouth skillfully attends to her right breast and both hands and fingers are in action; one giving her g-spot attention and the other on her rosebud with gentle penetration. We work together and I pay close attention to her cues and verbalization. This works well for us, try it!

                Under the stars Answered on October 14, 2020.
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                  Thank you all for taking the time to answer thoughtfully. My phone won’t allow me to respond to each comment right now. I’ll be chewing on this info!

                  Hammock Answered on October 15, 2020.
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                    Someone else may have said this, but I’m in a tree stand and should be looking for deer. Don’t worry so much about an expectation of an O… Just have fun and enjoy the moment… The stress of trying to O can take the fun right out of it

                    On the floor Answered on October 15, 2020.
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