Am I being overly sensitive?
My spouse and I have been married for 15 years and have had to work through issues with his pornography use throughout our marriage. He has sought counseling, but continues to have to actively pursue freedom.
He recently shared with me that he would like to ejaculate on my face (I assume during oral sex). While I am and tend to be open to experimenting with various sexual acts, I am hesitant to indulge this desire because I am wondering if it is rooted in the pornography issue and I question whether I will feel somehow disrespected by that act or if I am hypersensitive to this due to the struggles with pornography.
Have you talked to him about your fears and why he wishes to do this? I suggest find out his heart and desire behind it. That may lead you to a peace, no matter which way your decision goes. Knowledge and understanding can erase a lot of fears, uncertainties and doubts.
We are sexual people, and even without porn, we can desire all kinds of things. I often think our own desires is what can lead us to view certain types of porn. There is something in us that wants to know we are “normal”. Who knows what plants a seed of desire, the question is, is that desre or act a sin? Would it be sinful for either of you to fulfill or practice it within the marriage?
I appreciate each of your responses, they have given me a different points of view on the situation and some things to consider.
SongOfAngels I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with him wanting to do so nor do I believe that act to be a sin, it just seemed to come out of nowhere and because of that I questioned it. While I have in the past honored his request to ejaculate elsewhere on me, my initial feeling about him doing so on my face seems somehow degrading (I acknowledge that that feeling could be tied to the way that I perceive how things are portrayed in porn).
SeekingChange, I agree that more communication needs to be had about my fears/concerns and as well as why it is he wishes to do this. I am sure that having a better understanding of his heart and desire behind it will give me peace in whatever ever is decided.
OneWomanMan, I certainly do not seek to restrict our sexual activity to what is not done in porn, I merely questioned if this request came from his own innate desire or something he saw in porn. You pose an excellent question. Despite feeling that I have been open to any suggestion he has made and that I honestly don’t believe he has requested anything that I have said no to doing ever, I wonder if that is how he sees it from his perspective. I am not opposed to at least trying something and liked your suggestion of being spontaneous with the desired act in the heat of the moment.
Slipthegrasp, I don’t disagree that part fo this could be an issue of trust. We are continually having to work on the reestablishment of trust and perhaps the book you have suggested will be of great benefit to that process.
Redman, your input is certainly insightful and I can’t say that I have thought of it that way and will keep that in mind when DH brings his requests to me.
Thanks for asking this question. I agree with what SC wrote. Have a talk about what’s behind his desire for this and then also share you own hesitations or questions.
In addition, I would say that if we are would restrict our sexual activity to what is not in porn, we’d have to cut out many things.
I have a question for you. You say are open to experimenting with various sexual acts. Would he agree? Or do you think he gets the feeling that you say no to more than you say yes to? If you are saying yes more than no, you shouldn’t feel unnecessary pressure to do this one thing. But, if you are including it on a list of things which are not sinful but not preferred, he might be feeling you are too restrictive.
This is what I would suggest. How about you, unknow to him, in the heat of the moment of giving him OS say, I want you to ejaculate on my face today! That way, it is by your initiation and not his pressure. Also, this way, instead of telling him in advance that you will let him ejaculate on his face today, if he desire is rooted in porn, he won’t be anticipating it and won’t be as likely to link it to what he has seen in porn. Also, this way, you can evaluate and share with him your feeling and perspective after you tried it once.
Trust is the issue that you are struggling with. You wonder if you trust that this idea of his is not from the Porn. That alone is reason to be on a path of establishing trust. I recommend the book by John Gottman, The Science of Trust. Very technical but it would be extremely helpful on building trust.
This is a very good question. And the answers you have received are all good and should be of help. I wanted to add a perspective from the man’s side. I too agree if we eliminate what is in porn we eliminate too much.
From the man’s perspective (or at least from my perspective as a man) there is something about placing semen in or on a woman that is uniquely masculine. I realize this is primitive and manly and base if you will. And, I think when a woman receives that semen it is loving, honoring and uniquely feminine. It’s as if a man has conquered a woman and she allows herself to be conquered. Wow!
I too realize that you need to maintain dignity. I get that. But, when my DW allows me to place my “seed” in and on her it is so fulfilling and at that moment I am a truly blessed man. It’s too bad that the world and porn has perverted this.
I hope that I am communicating this in a way for you to just look at it from a different point of view.
I will also, add that when we were married 15 years we were just getting into OS. Now after 38 years we are in a wonderful state of trust. I hope that you can learn to trust you husband and realize that as a man he has these desires that are in the heart of most men.
Thank you for your question and I hope you will trust him as you “spice up” your MB.