An Idea for Setting Frequency at the Right Level for Newlyweds

    I was thinking if I my consciousness from now were transplanted into my mind when I was 27, I might do a few things differently in my marriage.

    One idea I had was to have sex with my wife twice a day when we first got married.  My preferred frequency back then was about once a day.  The idea is, when you settle into a frequency after the first few weeks, if it settles at less than what you were doing during the Honeymoon phase, starting at double what you want might be a good idea.  So I could have gotten up a half an hour early and made a  move early in the morning, too, during that extremely willing to please stage when everything seemed more fun.

    I don’t know if my wife could have endured that, though.

    Does this sound like a good  idea?

    California King Asked on June 21, 2020 in Intercourse (PIV) & Positions.
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    9 Answer(s)

      Well, I’m not sure if that really matters as much as setting up good habits of communication, emotional connection and then as a man, being a generous lover by continuing to pursuing her…and pursuing her pleasure over your O in the MB. It’s harder to change those things later without big aha moments, going through a “tunnel of chaos”, or outside help.

      Now regarding frequency, my wife cluelessly complained to her Bible study girlfriends about her hips being sore. Let’s just say she didn’t live it down. We were making love 3-4x a day on our 11 day honeymoon  and basically 1-2x/day for the first 8 months. Sometimes frequent sex leads to sore joints, hips, chaffing, various infections, and of course, unintended injuries for attempting new things. 😂

      Yes, our frequency is high for our age 3-5x/wk BUT two things I believe have enabled that despite my wife’s early onset menopause, first, DW came out of a nearly sexless marriage and I had a gatekeeper marriage at the end and ten yrs of single celibacy so we wanted it and 2) we did and still do a lot of my first sentence thoughts. We communicated well before getting married, waited for sexual activities until after marriage (unlike our firsts) and have continued to talk and make adjustments over the last three years of marriage. We both wanted and agreed to pursuing a God-honoring marriage of spiritual, emotional and PHYSICAL intimacy…and if the physical wasn’t gonna be there, we weren’t gonna get married. We both knew what is was like to be married and “alone” and neither wanted that.

      I agree with Dave and Ashley Willis and the Allens of SMR Nation who suggest a couple have to come to an agreement AS A COUPLE about frequency and pursuit. And in your marriage bed, it is much better for the LD spouse to seek to serve the need of the HD spouse…and that’s what it is and what marriage is, serving the needs of each other AND being the other’s strength and support when the other is down, weak, or overwhelmed. 

      Under the stars Answered on June 21, 2020.
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        I’m with NWNL on where the main focus should be, and where the foundation of a good sex life really lies.

        My caution with this idea is if a man goes in with this agenda, almost with a hint of manipulation, a woman will sense it, and rather than it building a strong marriage you have immediately set up doubt and distrust, because the message is coming across that it’s all about sex and you are using her to get what you want. That’s a bad start….maybe even a fatal start, with a slow death of a marriage.

        Under the stars Answered on June 21, 2020.

        Agree with SC. I don’t necessarily feel also that it is right to always default to an HD.  If the LD spouse is called to do that all of the time (barring illness, etc.) then that means if they default to that every time, even in love, it is going to result in an emotional and physical empty tank that will over time, be pretty significant.  We can only shove our emotions, feelings, needs down so far before we feel like we are being used even if we don’t WANT to feel that way. Just a thought….

        on June 21, 2020.

        There is definitely a balance to find in the HD/LD dynamic….to feel it must be one way, all the time, shows an immaturity, IMO.

        on June 21, 2020.
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          Agree with SC. Manipulation is not the way to go and women can sniff it out well and it will kill the spirit of marriage being 100/100% commitment and service, not 50/50 where one keeps score. As Christians, in Romans 12:10, we are encouraged to outdo one another in love. If this applies to Christian brothers and sisters, it most certainly should apply to our marriages.

          Under the stars Answered on June 21, 2020.
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            I understand your thoughts, but I for one find it fruitless to consider would have, could have, should haves. I find I have spent way too much time wasted on such thoughts that usually just produce anxiety. I can’t change any of it. That’s for me.

            Now, if I were advising my children on how they might proceed in their marriages once that happens, I might consider some words on being generous and open. And going overboard in those areas is never a bad plan. Because what you said is right; we generally land somewhere in between, or slightly less than the original goal. So if you start with slim sex, it’s difficult to go bigger. But if you start big, and settle in somewhat slimmer, you’ll probably have an easier time settling in.

            On the floor Answered on June 21, 2020.
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              Because my bride was a virgin it would have been very uncomfortable for her if we had sex more than once a day on our honeymoon. But both of us were completely open with each other about our feelings and what it felt like for each other. It did not occur to me that I could have a strategy to get sex more often.

              But then I suppose our whole married life has been me wooing her. She likes it like that.

              Twin bed Answered on June 21, 2020.

              We had some international travel right after our wedding night, and another flight after that.  I think we were doing about once a day a day or so into the marriage, but these were _loooong_ flights, so I don’t really remember the effects of losing virginity on her desire for frequency.

              My wife told me years later that when we were young, it almost always hurt just a little to have sex with me.  Sometimes she’d show just a bit of discomfort.  Having the first baby took care of that.

              on June 21, 2020.
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                ‘Manipulation’ implies a sinister motive.  is setting expectations for sex at a high level to still have a high level of sexual frequency sinister?  It might benefit a HD partner in the relationship, but does it harm the other?  Is it selfish to set up a scenario to have ones needs met?

                California King Answered on June 21, 2020.

                No, manipulation doesn’t have to imply a sinister motive.  It’s to “control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously”.  Which sounds exactly what you are talking about.  If someone feels like they are being controlled or manipulated, they tend to resist.

                on June 22, 2020.
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                  Another thing I might do in this scenario back when my wife were a bit more compliant and maybe even pliable was if we were going to have a serious conversation, to enter her first.  The pointis not necessarily to really have sex.  it could be done after the deed were done for the day.  But just have her lay on me and we could talk out issues while in that intimate position.  I just think it might be hard to argue in that position.  I suppose it could turn into sexual satisfaction.

                  I don’t see my wife going for that nowadays.  Also, we aren’t as limber as we used to be and I am a bit larger, so that position is not as comfortable now for discussion as it used to be.   If I’m in her, she wants me to get to work.

                  We used to lay naked talking for a long time after sex holding each other.  We don’t do that much nowe.  We wash up adn she’s in pajamas.  There are kids in the other room, so after sex, the clothes go back on which makes it easier to interact when them if they need anything.  But I think discussions while inside her would have been a useful  habit to set back then.

                  California King Answered on June 21, 2020.
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                    My wife sex our frequency. When we got married, I had hoped for sex 3 or 4 times a week, at least 3. Within a month, she very frankly told me that was not happening. Once or twice a week was plenty for her and that is what we dd!

                    On the floor Answered on June 22, 2020.

                    Why not decide to only talk to her once a week? After all, who really needs all this conversation!?

                    on June 22, 2020.

                    I think that wives do decide these things. About a month after we married my DW said that I didn’t need sex every day and it was good for males to learn self-control. (This didn’t come from her; it was our conservative church.)

                    We eventually averaged about 2, perhaps 3, times a week and I am sort of okay with this because it really is quality over quantity.

                    on June 22, 2020.

                    Wives should have a voice in the decision, but should never get unilateral power over it. Neither spouse should. Self-control is a good thing. We should always try to control our selfish tendencies by being generous instead.

                    on June 22, 2020.

                    I like those answers, and only talk once a week, lol. the frequency is something she was not going to give on no matter what I did or said. We went to marriage counseling over frequency and basically the counselor told me I would never change her mind. Later years, we settled on a promise of sex on the weekend and I could ASK for sex one time during the week, but she could refuse.

                    on June 23, 2020.

                    This is why I believe couples should come to some understanding BEFORE marriage and conceivably BEFORE engagement. Not everything can be discussed BUT this is too important an issue to be ignored until after a marriage.

                    on June 23, 2020.

                    Discussing it before engagement makes sense.  If a couple does things right, they won’t be sleeping together during this time.  A couple of Christian virgins might be uncomfortable talking about it or even consider doing so sinful.  But it does make sense.  My wife were in that situation.  I told her I wanted it every night.  She didn’t exactly agree.  But I wanted her and I married her.  She did provide somethign for me on an almost nightly basis, not intercourse all the time, for a couple of years before the first baby came.

                    I”m in my 50’s, and I would prefer every night, but it is not that frequent.

                    on June 24, 2020.

                    I too think it is important to discuss sex after engagement (preferably before. Sex is important part of marriage.  One thing it is difficult to know how much sex you would need after few years of marriage with work and kids.

                     

                    Many couples engage sex every night early in marriage and frequency gets reduced as they are together.

                     

                    I am in my forties and I still prefer PIV sex every night before sleeping. Even before I got married, I always thought of having sex with my wife before bedtime.

                    on June 24, 2020.
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                      WHen I read the following, my understanding is that, in general, the husband is to provide sex if the wife desires it and vice versa.

                      I Corinthians 7
                      1Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

                      A church teaching married couples to limit sex to teach men self-control seems to me to contradict that passage.  How does sex in marriage help avoid fornication if it doesn’t stave off the urges?  Abstaining from sex during fasting and then resuming relations may help with self control, but it is __agreed upon_ by both parties.

                      I wonder if whoever taught that had a low sex drive.

                      But I also do not think that intercourse druing menstruation is appropriate.  The decision in Acts 15 seems to be based on the idea that the Old Testament predicts that Gentiles can be righteous before God.  Abstaining from things strangled and from blood goes back to a requirement the Old Testament puts on Gentiles in the time of Noah.  The Old Testament also implies that abstaining from sexual immorality is required of Gentiles if we take Leviticus 18 into account.  Leviticus includes various sexual practices for which Gentiles were driven from the land, such as sexual activity with certain close relatives, animals, sam-sex sexual activity, adultery, and uncovering a woman’s nakedness during her period.  Gentiles were driven out of the land for these sins.  So that is why I think that menstrual intercourse may be a type of fornication.

                      There is also the issue of health.  Sex right after someone broke their pelvis might not be very kind.   We all have some physical limits when it comes to sex– sore internal muscles, sore skin/lining, etc.  But I think that most young marrieds who want to set the pace at a few times a week could physically do a lot more fore their partners.  

                       

                      California King Answered on June 24, 2020.
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