An Update and Some Questions
A couple of months ago, I joined this forum and wrote a post titled, “Is My Habit Wrong?” and was surprised at both the quantity and quality of the responses.
It has been a while and much progress has been made.
Just wanted to ask a few other questions that have arisen out of the process of soul-searching that I began after reading all of your great responses. They are numbered below for easier reference.
1. First of all, and most importantly, I talked with my wife about the things I had shared on this forum. She was very supportive and reassuring. She felt that the fact I was recording myself (as it was not shared with anyone other than her — I had offered to show her in my sexual excitement) that it was not a sin in and of itself. She was actually okay with that “if it did it for me”, but was just a little sad that I was not “getting enough with her to satisfy” my needs. I think something we both felt was important to discuss together was that my wife does not have even close to the same level of libido or interest in sex that I have. That is fine and I know we will be able to work through it with God’s help. In your opinions, what are some ways we can compensate for this difference in libido?
2. I have come to the realization that a lot of my fantasies arose out of a strong sense of insecurity about my masculinity. I have always been very heterosexual in my desires, and comfortable in my belief that God did not make mistakes when he made me male. But I always had friends who were more tough and masculine and got all the pretty girls when I was younger. This made me angry and bitter as a teenager. After I was full-grown, I was seen more as a “beautiful man” than the culture’s version of male “sexiness”. I am tall and lean, and my Northern European / Mixed-Race background has given me what some would call an exotic look with large hazel eyes and reddish brown hair, full lips and a clear medium-bronze complexion. I have also always had a higher voice than most men and am naturally very emotional – qualities often associated with femininity. In college, instead of the women I wanted so much to notice me, I often had gay men pursue my attentions (I politely declined). This led to even more frustration and desire to be “sexy” in a woman’s eyes. Thankfully, I am finally happily married, but I have sometimes felt like I am not manly enough, even in my own marriage bed. I think that’s part of why I would occasionally withdraw to fantasizing and mb-ing alone, since there I could avoid my feeling of self-consciousness in front of my wife. We have talked about this and she has assured me that she finds me both very beautiful and very handsome, and said she would have more sex with me if she could but that she just doesn’t have the libido or the sexual stamina I have. (I’d like to point out here that my wife has some health issues she struggles with and is currently trying to eat healthier and exercise more). With all that said, what are some ways I can continue to grow (and heal) in this area of my self-perception as a male and as a sexual being, as I am not exactly what culture defines as masculine “sexiness”? For starters, I am trying to see myself through God’s eyes and my wife’s eyes, because I know that they both love me as I am.
3. Finally, a lot of my wife’s apprehension in the marriage bed, I found out, is really just because she has a very conservative background and feels uncomfortable with most things besides missionary position (although she has recently begun letting me experiment with some positions “from behind” — as I find her large bottom very attractive).
So, there’s an update and three questions. Thanks everyone for your answers when I joined, as well as some of you who PM’d me, and any prayers you prayed for me.
God bless and keep you,
Eye Above The Storm
I am impressed at your level of self-reflection and self-awareness. I don’t have a lot of advice, other than to say that your struggle is similar to what most women deal with as the media relentlessly puts forth an image of feminine beauty that is nearly impossible to achieve. In reality, there’s enough attractive to go around for everyone. It is great that you are being open, intimate, and vulnerable with your wife about your feelings. I think that will be a key factor in your journey.
There are some things about ourselves we can’t change. Others, we can work on. I.e. if I am overweight, I can try to diet. Etc. Libido is something that need not control us – either if it is high or low. A giving heart is more important than our libido level.
Self acceptance is very important. It helps us do better in our relationships and even helps others accept us more easily. So, continue to see yourself as God sees you and as you want your wife to see you. I don’t know if you do this, but you might want to start working out at home or the gym.
You can’t change the background your wife had. But together you can build a better future. Without denigrating her past, you can learn new things and grow through exploring the beauty and freedom God gives married couples. Perhaps she needs to read on the front page of TMB site or read some other books so that she can enjoy all that God has for you two. Would she consider getting involved in this forum?
I’d like to point out that I did take the advice I was given to heart — I have not engaged in that fantasizing and recording myself since. But I still find the idea of my wife watching videos (or real life) of me mb-ing or stripping a real turn on. Fortunately I haven’t had as much problems with lust or thinking of anyone seeing me but my wife.
Just wanted to clarify the details.