Any advice or tips to try and make the lead-up to female O faster or more interesting, to avoid husband getting bored/disengaged?
Not sure if others have any experience with this, but thought I would try asking here for advice. I always take longer than my husband to reach climax. He is probably less than 5 minutes, whereas I can vary from about 10 minutes up to 30 minutes or more. Usually if it is taking more than about half an hour for me, I will often stop trying and just move on to DH’s climax (to avoid taking so long). It is frustrating, but sometimes it just feels like my body doesn’t want to co-operate, and climax is very difficult to achieve and it takes a long time to get there (if I actually even get there).
DH always tries to please me first, and does his best to make it enjoyable for me. There have been many times where I was taking a while, and he ends up looking (from my perspective) bored or tired or disengaged. More than a handful of times he has actually fallen asleep. When these things happen I usually give up on my climax and move onto his.
I have discussed this with him, to try and work out what I can do differently to make it more interesting for him so that he isn’t bored or falling asleep while waiting for me to climax. I wish I could just be faster, but that doesn’t seem to be happening most of the time. I’m not sure how I can make it more interesting, and he wasn’t sure either.
Anyone have any advice for my situation? I don’t want him to be bored during sex. I don’t want to be boring. I do try hard to be enthusiastic both during foreplay and during actual sex, and am quite vocal and lively. Foreplay doesn’t seem to be a problem – he always seems interested and engaged during foreplay. It’s just when we get into the real deal and I’m taking a while, he doesn’t seem to enjoy how long it’s taking.
Would appreciate any advice. Thanks.
The more you think about how long it is taking and about “getting there” as a goal, the longer it will take and the harder it is to accomplish. Try to relax and sink into the sensations. Consider if what he is doing really feels good all by itself, whether there is an O at the end or not. If it doesn’t, help him find another move. When you find something that just feels really good, focus completely on how much you love that feeling right that second and don’t worry about whether you are building to a climax or not. When I do that, it generally sneaks up on me and is much more rewarding than when I “chase it” with single-minded purpose and determination to get it and get it now! When I chase it, I do often catch it eventually, but I am often so tired and frustrated that it is not nearly as enjoyable or rewarding. Let it find you.
***Close your eyes if necessary! It not only helps you focus on your own sensations, but it also keeps you from seeing his bored expression! Also, give in if you feel the urge to move your hips or otherwise writhe or to make noises of enjoyment. They may wake him up, but they may also increase your own enjoyment of your sensations.
Just an update….
Took the advice of some here to concentrate on the foreplay and get close to an O before proceeding with PIV. Worked like a charm.
20 minutes of foreplay (part focused on me, and part focused on him), and we were both close to climax. Moved on to PIV and I had a very easy climax in less than 5 minutes (his was less than a minute).
Funny thing is that this is very much how we used to do it all the time – him getting me very close during foreplay and then starting PIV. I had forgotten this fact somehow, which seems quite ridiculous, but I honestly forgot. We stopped doing it that way quite a while ago, possibly around the time I tried to be more adventurous and active (focussing more on giving him pleasure), rather than just receiving the stimulation.
Thank you everyone for your advice and suggestions. They have been most helpful, and I am very grateful for you all taking time to help me out with my situation.
I agree with the advice above. The right kind of vibrator, the Satisfyer Pro can be as quick as a couple of minutes. But that would also include a back rub and other foreplay. I don’t prefer it when DW takes 3, 5, or 10 minutes to orgasm. I like the 30 and 40 minutes that we have working on her because it means I have a role to play in exciting her.
My wife has never O’ed any way except with an external vibe (and never during PIV). I struggled with that for a long time, but finally came to the conclusion (by listening to DW—shocking! 😉) that what was important was that we were doing this together. The more we’ve abandoned sex having to happen a certain way, the more we’ve been able to enjoy each other and experience true, deep intimacy (physical, emotional, and spiritual)!
You are not broken at all. Average time to bring a woman to climax is about 13.5 minutes, and up to 30 minutes is still completely normal.
We typically use the method that @SeekingChange suggested–PIV plus a vibrator for the clitoris. Even with that approach (which is a lot of stimulation), our time range is similar to yours. But you are at a much better starting point than we were–Zelda (my DW) had never O’d (outside of wet dreams while pregnant) in 12+ yr of marriage, nor in any fooling around before that! Once or maybe twice we’ve had her go in under 10 min, but it’s usually ~20 min and has taken as long as 45-50 min (plus a few times this technique never got her there). I’ve considered adding a Womanizer/Satisfyer/Lelo Sona to the mix to get her there faster…but the long time together is awesome!
We’ve recently gotten success when PIV+vibe is taking too long with having her finish solo with the vibe or with me stimulating her internally with my fingers while she vibes her clit. She certainly prefers PIV+vibe or fingers+vibe to solo clit-only action. You didn’t specify if you O with your husband inside of you–if you haven’t been and start doing it now, you may find it much more satisfying. While doing the finger action, I realized Zelda might be able to see my face and think I looked bored (I’ve read enough women online to know it’s a common thought)–but really I was greatly enjoying myself and just super focused on her. And I think my face would hurt if I had a stupid grin on it nonstop for 20 minutes. Thus, I agree with @luvabug99–your husband should not be bored, even if he looks it. Falling asleep isn’t the same as bored–he’s probably just exhausted.
If you don’t currently use toys/aids like a vibe, you might consider it and talk with your DH about it. Toys are great for some marriage beds, but they aren’t for everyone. However, if he’s not truly bored, you might want to work on not being so self conscious about taking so long–many women find the longer build up to result in more ending pleasure!
Hope that helps,
(Edited: a typo that made it read really weird at the end)
I do have question, it isn’t clear, are you talking about PIV or foreplay? If you’re talking PIV, then that’s a lot to ask of a man. If you’re talking about foreplay, then I guess I don’t fully understand your husband. I find great joy and pleasure seeing my wife get turned on and having an O so I’m not sure if he’s just being a selfish lover and needs an attitude adjustment OR if there are ways to speed up your physical & mental processes…OR both? BUT I can imagine that it doesn’t help you letting go and enjoying the process if you feel stress & pressure to “hurry up” and finish. I know at my age, it doesn’t help me to get to feel that way (and not because my wife is disengaged or adding that because she doesn’t).
A few questions:
- a vibrator?
- Would masterbation by yourself earlier in the day or before your husband gets involved so the recovery period is lessened for you?
- What is your mindset? Is there a way to increase your sexual thoughts throughout the day that would allow for heightened mental readiness?
- What is your emotional connection to your husband like? (From my experience and understanding, the stronger the emotional health of the individuals and the relationship, the greater the desire sexual union.)
- Have you had times of sexploration? Times set aside for discovering what is pleasurable. (May need to be done by yourself AND with your spouse.)
Couple of quick thoughts:
1. Extended foreplay. Spend more time on manual stimulation of the clitoris and other erogenous zones before PIV. Maybe even have an O before intercourse. If an O during PIV is desired wait until you are close and then start PIV.
2. Something extra to look forward to. Waiting for PIV until you are close as discussed above can help your husband stay alert and focused. Another way to add alertness is to perform a favorite sexual act on him after you climax. Knowing something special is coming can make him feel appreciated and encourages extra effort.
My wife usually only Os from manual stimulation from my fingers. Long ago she used to sometimes take awhile and she would say I looked bored. Well….:) What we do now is I get on my knees where I can use one hand to stimulate her while she does oral on me. I can also use my free hand to caress her head, face, and breasts. This definitely keeps me from looking bored. 🙂 I contend her doing oral on me helps her along as well.
Have you talked with him about it? Communication is the key to solving issues with differences like this. My wife is ALWAYS worried that I’m bored or impatient when she’s taking awhile (normal). I’m neither bored nor impatient—I love every minute of bringing her pleasure (and sometimes wish I could enjoy that much buildup myself).