Are you settling for a boring sex life?
Quick read from allprodad.com which suggest five ideas to get things going.
Two question to discuss here…and with your spouse.
- Why do you think some married couples have a hard time discussing sex?
- What is one way we could spice up our love life this week?
- Why do you think some married couples have a hard time discussing sex?
- A big part of it is fear – of being vulnerable (as NWNL mentioned), fear of being seen as selfish for wanting something or not wanting/giving something, fear of being viewed against the present norm (you don’t like what we’re doing now?) or fear of trying new things (for both the explorative spouse and the repressive spouse), fear of being seen as unthankful for “all” they are getting now – talking about it probably means you want more or better!
- In society we don’t have many good examples of discussing sex in a healthy, godly, constructive fashion. So, how can it be done as a couple?
- Unskilled in talking about it or about a topic that could be divisive
- The baggage they bring and haven’t resolved yet
- Not wanting to be shamed for wanting more (or less)
- Not wanting to get a hard “no” for something one is secretly wishing for (avoiding the conversation in order to not get the “no” keeps the dream/fantasy alive of “maybe someday “)
- Precedent. They haven’t talked about it much for all these years – why are you starting this now?
- Previous tries to talk about it went badly
- They aren’t comfortable with their own body, their own sexuality, etc.
I really appreciated the link. I was just praying again this morning during worship about my sexual desire, and how I want to enjoy it and to have passion (again).
It looks like many of the bases are covered to “why couples don’t talk about sex”…. so I will only personalize it. I actually enjoy talking about sex with others, hence why I am part of TMB, but I notice things shift when my husband starts asking me questions, even some of the very same questions asked on here. It’s one thing to talk about it when it’s in theory, or there’s no pressure or expectation from another. It’s easier, at least for me, to reveal a vulnerability when someone is there just to listen, versus feeling like they are now dissecting everything you say and could be formulating a plan on what to do because you are talking about things. This creates a tension. One (the higher drive) wants to step on the accelerator because new ideas are formed or they started seeing those count down lights like in a drag race, when I (the lower drive) starts sharing some desires. And when we hear them revving their engine, all we want to do is step on the brakes because we need to take it slower. So what’s the easiest thing to do…. avoid the thing that causes that tension, which often can lead to conflict.
As to this week, and “spicing things up”…. since we are visiting family, it’s not really conducive to spicing things up. I am just hoping to show excitement when my husband shows up tomorrow (Monday), after being apart for a week and a half. I am trying to prepare myself for the needs and wants that will be coming with him. I hope that his presence will be a filling to my bucket, rather than a draining.
Question one: I am not sure why this is. I really do think it is two things, one, personality driven and your upbringing. My DW and I can discuss everything ad nauseam including controversial topics such as politics.. But, once things turn to a deeper side of sex (not vanilla talk like when) she shuts down. I don’t understand this because she is very verbal. I simply suspect that deeper sex topics just are not that important to her. I am fixing to ask her that very question sometime in between our scheduled sex nights. I’m not about to give up that schedule due to upsetting her.
Question two: Not a good thing to ask this week. With my kids returning to the nest for Thanksgiving break, DW did relay to me that Wednesday would be the last time to make love until they all leave on Sunday. I did appreciate the advance notice of this and her willingness to accommodate our intimacy. But, this is NOT a good week to spice things up, with the added stress of extra cleaning and preparation for the kiddos.
Why do some couples have a hard time… I’d submit that talking about sexual intimacy can and should lead to a vulnerability that many may not be emotionally healthy enough to go there, even with their spouse. That the vulnerability, honesty and even pain that may need to be processed is deep-seeded; this may including dealing with sexual trauma or before marriage/ongoing sin issues. Others might have FOO issues or communication issues on the topic that short-circuit the process and I’d submit many would rather jump into “action” (sometimes like pre-marriage) where physical activity short-circuited or was substituted for deeper communication levels, even arguments, because it was easier to make-out that resolved problems and make-up.
What is one thing this week… (This was not necessarily meant to be a question that had to be asked this week under “holiday duress” but I do think it is worth asking on occasion throughout the year.) I need to initiate a “full” body massage…that and probably replace any full bags of kitchen container garbage and take it out. That would probably get her going…OR create a medical crisis when she faints and hits her head from the surprise OR it’ll be too much change (since she normally does it) and I’ll be accused overcompensating for having an affair or engaging in some other sordid problem. LOL! 😀 Just kidding but she might take my temperature to see if I was sick! 😀
From a husband’s perspective here, I can’t imagine such a thing as boring sex. I’m grateful to be having any at all. I remember all the long years of waiting until marriage, worried that I would never find the right woman. After almost 15 years of marriage now, the novelty of “Wow, I’m getting to do the thing I’ve wanted to do since I was 12!” hasn’t even come close to wearing off. Plus, after seeing all the accounts of people who’s spouses refuse them or their struggles with other difficulties, plain old “boring” average sex is just fine with me.
Just thinking… How can you know if you’re settling for a boring sex life? It would be interesting if there was a definition of “boring sex”.
I’m sure the answer will be different for different people, and there might be some gender differences in there as well.
From what I’ve read over the years, it sounds like there are a lot of women who would not say their sex life is ‘boring’, but their husband may well disagree. The men usually desire variety and novelty, and this is said to prevent boredom. However, there’s probably lots of woman who don’t necessarily need variety and novelty to have a non-boring sex life.
Maybe a gender difference?
I enjoy all sexual encounters with DW and believe that even ‘routine’ sex still brings me the same rapture it did at the start of our marriage.
Growth, however, is good especially when it can improve the sexual experience for one or both partners. It took lots of effort, patience, and time to figure out a way for my DW to O, and I am glad that we did not settle for a marriage in which she never experienced a sexual release. So, as long as I am able, I will work with DW to make sure our sex life remains as dynamic and fulfilling as it can be given the limitations of our health, increasing, age, etc. To that end, we talk about sex multiple times a week.
I am not sure why a couple would not discuss sex unless they agree on things like desired frequency, range of activities, etc.
Re to @MQ’s question/observations
One way for me to know if I am settling for a boring sex life is because I know what it once was and what it can be.
I know as a female, I still like variety, although it looks different than my husband’s wish for variety. There’s been things I have shared I liked, and with that knowledge he does it so frequently, it has lost the eroticism to it, and now it’s not only boring, it’s an irritation,. When one “pushes buttons” so frequently because it worked before, it becomes mechanical and “boring”. Granted, there are other things that do just work, and we end with it because we both want to enjoy an orgasm.
- Why do you think some married couples have a hard time discussing sex? My wife is willing to talk about sex, but only to a limited degree. Because of her hectic schedule this past year, we have had only short times together in the evening and if we talk about sex too often she gets burned out on the topic. The couple years prior we were reading different books together and talking about our sex lives, but then with COVID and her schedule that stopped. She hasn’t had the interest or energy to pick it up again.
- What is one way we could spice up our love life this week? That’s a really good question, that today I’m not sure how to answer. It’s been very vanilla most of the year primarily because of exponentially long work weeks for her. She’s tired and doesn’t have a lot of energy or desire to be real creative right now. I can plan something that would spice it up, but that plan can change in a minute because of a staffing issue that she has to resolve.