Arousal issues please help!
This is gonna be a long one. A little background: my husband and I were married almost two years ago. I was 20 and he was 19. We dated for a year before we were married. We struggled allot with touching. We had standards we wanted to stick to but of course when you’re in the situation it is very hard. We managed to save our first kiss for our wedding day. Before marriage intimacy included: hand holding, kissing on the cheek, hugging and some cuddling, but nothing without feeling guilty and asking forgiveness from God and each other and we’d try to be better. I was easily aroused before we were married. Of course those first touches would make me go wild. I could get wet, swell up, feel a “heartbeat down there.” the longer we were together the less easy it was, but still, it was easy. The day we were married, everything changed. I still have never figured it out. Our wedding night was very sweet but not arousing. We undressed each other, and with each article of clothing removed, got in bed to kiss and cuddle until we were completely naked. We tried having sex. It hurt because I was not wet and he could not completely get in nor did he come. It was one of the most special nights of my life, but in certain ways was a huge disappointment to me. I had dreamed of that night with my best friend for over a year and how wet and aroused and excited I would get. I thought it was just because things were new and it would change. Almost two years later now, and nothing has changed. I feel nothing sexual when we kiss, when he touches me,or during sex. I find it impossible to be aroused. I got pregnant two months into our marriage and two months after the baby was born (which was around our first ann) was I finally not in pain during sex. I seem to have gotten stretched out. This made sex allot easier because obviously it not hurting helped allot. My husband does nipple stimulation on me if I am in the mood, and 9/10 it will get me just wet enough. Just wet. I wouldn’t say aroused. My sweet husband is willing to try ANYTHING I would ask of him but I don’t know what would feel good and if he tries something, I just feel awkward because it doesn’t feel good. I have never had an orgasm except in my sleep at random. So I know it is possible. I just need to unlock it. I have cried my eyes out countless times, poured my heart out to God about why He is withholding it from me. God designed sex to be pleasurable for the woman too. And I experienced pleasure when it was “wrong”, just by touching. Then, when it was right, it went away. My husband doesn’t seem to want to talk about it because he doesn’t know what to do or say. I don’t like talking about it either. But sometimes during sex I go cold and he knows why. Sometimes I cry then, or sometimes later when he doesn’t know. I don’t hide anything from him, nor do I withhold sex from him. I still try to put my heart in it for him because I know he needs and loves it.
We have tried a couple different vibrators and since I was never aroused it was just numbing and I didn’t like it. He has never done oral on me. He’s willing but I feel awkward about it, mainly because I’m assuming it won’t do anything for me and I’d hate for him to go through that. And honestly I’m sure he wouldn’t have a clue as to how 😉
My husband has encouraged me to talk to someone about it but I have been too embarrassed. I tried emailing a Christian lady who blogs about sex (Sheila Gregore) but her secretary wrote me back and said she doesn’t take questions because she gets too many. I have stayed silent for so long. I don’t pray about it very often because it just ends in frustration because there’s never a change. I know God cares and has a reason but sometimes I feel like He doesn’t. . I guess I have accepted it to a point, maybe it’s the thorn in my side I will have to deal with.
I have been aware of this site since before I was married, I don’t know why it never occurred to me to ask here. So my question is: does anyone struggle with arousal? What are some foreplay ideas that might help? Ways to get me in the mood before it’s here? If there is ANY advice you can give, please please do. Sometimes I am desperate. Sometimes I try not to care. This is one of those desperate times. Some women talk on here the easy positions to orgasm in or what is the most pleasurable way to orgasm etc like it is so natural. And here, I just want to be aroused!
@RMH, this sounds like a combination of physical and psychological/emotional factors. Your experience with pain during your first year or so of marriage and not being able to get it in at first, then being stretched out enough after the first baby is identical to what we experienced. We had a physical size discrepancy that solved itself when our first baby was born, which may also be the case with you guys. So, that’s complicating things, clearly. However, it does appear that you have arousal issues related to your view of sex. Before marriage, thinking of sex was “naughty” because it was forbidden, and that got you aroused. However, once you got married and everything was “allowed,” then it was no longer a forbidden activity and sexual arousal and interest flew out the window for you. Rest assured, you’re not alone. I’ve seen this with both men and women. I would encourage you to start by allowing the word of God teach you about sex. You may want to start by reading the Song of Solomon. Read how the bride pines for her husband, how wet she gets for him, how she desires his body and describes it in loving and erotic detail (there are some Hebrew studies out there which suggest that our English translation falls short of how erotic the original Hebrew may get). Read how they can’t seem to keep their hands off each other, how she wants to be taken by him in a wild and wanton fashion. This is the reality of married sex as God designed it — not just something that’s “allowed” and “safe” but something that’s like He is Himself — wild and not exactly safe but Good.
I’d suggest you two spend some relaxed time just exploring one another. Have him show you his own body, how he likes to be touched. Show him your own body, and how you like to be touched. You may need to start with touching yourself without him there to learn what arouses you, then show him when he’s there. Consider what thoughts about him aroused you in the past and perhaps start with those. Ask God to renew your mind in this area, too. He desires for your marriage bed to be full of pleasure and love, and I believe that He will answer this prayer. My wife and I will be praying for you.
Hi and welcome.
This is going to be difficult to solve via a forum, but I want to encourage you and assure you that you are far from out of options.
I have some questions:
Was the change sudden? Did you get aroused the day before your wedding, but not on your wedding, or was it a little more gradual than that? Could hormonal birth control been a factor?
A red flag is that you made no reference to using artificial lubricant. That is a standard item for every couple. When you were making out, you had a lot of time to get aroused and no fear of pain from intercourse. On your honeymoon, there was more expectations, and it hurt. This sounds kind of psychobabbly, but it could have contributed to the situation you are in now. Add to that the stresses of everyday life — jobs and child rearing –it could be a factor.
I doubt this is going to fix the problem, but something to do in the meantime. Put the kids to bed, turn off the phone, get naked, and do whatever YOU want. You take care of his needs. Let him take care of you now. Penetration is off the table for that evening, but whatever else you want goes. Snuggling, back rubs, kissing…. Just have some fun, quality time being affectionate. Set aside a predetermined amount of time so you won’t feel rushed or be tempted to get bored and give up. There is nothing wrong with just lying there and holding each other.
Finally, I HAVE to comment on this:
“He has never done oral on me. He’s willing but I feel awkward about it, mainly because I’m assuming it won’t do anything for me and I’d hate for him to go through that.“
Yeah, like you’d “hate” for him to “go thru” eating his favorite food! Most men LOVE doing it! Women taste and smell wonderful there. The pheromones she releases is very arousing. It is not in any way unsanitary. He’s willing, so go for it!!! It is a very intimate and loving act. And a great way to get you wet.
Have you read any basic “marriage manuals” such as Sheet Music?
Have you tried experimenting with your body by yourself? There are those who still frown upon that sort of thing, but how can you know what to tell your DH feels good If you don’t know what feels good? Get some lube and explore. Then give him the grand tour!
It sounds like the a big part of your arousal pre-marriage was the precieved forbidden aspect of your actions. Maybe you need to add some of that back into your marriage. Send him some suggestive texts with stronger language than you normally use. Or text him some topless photos of yourself. You get the idea.
As for your husband’s offer to perform oral on you, definitely let him! It ain’t rocket science, he’ll love it and be a pro with it within minutes. And you’ll be glad you did. 🙂
I don’t want to sound like a hippie from the 70’s…. but when your H says he wants to go down there— don’t think about it, just feel it. You’ve got to get out of your head and allow yourself to feel. There’s nothing wrong with it. The fact that you feel something (anything!) with nipple stimulation is a sure sign you’re ready for more. Ask him to take his time, get more empowered based on what he’s doing and how it makes you feel (not how it makes you think). Don’t overthink it, go on how it feels. Tell him to go further down more slowly, kissing your belly along the way. Is it stimulating? Is it too much? Is that not enough? In your case, it sounds like DH is willing to go further and it’s up to you to guide him.
I like all of the other answers. Hopefully that will get you past the hurdle. If it doesn’t, don’t be afraid to see a sex therapist. It sounded scary to me at first, but in reality they’re just trained to help people get over the intellectual and emotional hang-ups that interfere with their sex life. It’s just talking and giving simple homework to do at home, nothing kinky.
Thank you all for your comments!! As for oral, I meant I would feel awkward him doing it to me if I didn’t get any enjoyment from it, which it seems that’s how everything goes. I’ve always been very hesitant but your assurance has encouraged me and I think we will try it.
We used lube every time we had sex until a couple months after our baby was born, which was when it stopped hurting. We both like it allot better without, but maybe we should try again just for fun. We are going on an anniversary trip soon and I have high expectations for it. Hotels always get you in the mood and we will have time to focus without worrying about the baby or how tired we are. I know it can take years for some people and they always say sex gets better with time, even when you’re getting older. So I know these aren’t the high days for us. The best is yet to come 😉
Thank you so much for your encouragement. It’s easy to feel alone but I’m glad to know I’m not. I’m definitely going to try your suggestions and hopefully will have a good update sometime in the future. And thank you for your prayers! It means allot to know that people who don’t know me are praying for me still
I know it seems strange for it to be psychological, but consider: you definitely can get aroused — you did so before you got married. So, what changed? Nothing about your body itself changed. Somehow, you need to be convinced that the marriage bed is an amazing, exciting, sexy and erotic place. That there is adventure to be found there, and passion. You’re far from the first person who suddenly found arousal flee when they said “I do.” I unfortunately see this a lot with young people who had a very strict upbringing that didn’t also emphasize the fun and passion of sex in the marriage bed. Especially if those same people bring a feeling of guilt into the marriage. Somehow, the mind and heart says: what we did before was wrong and those feelings of pleasure were wrong. Now we’re married and everything is right, but how can I separate pleasure out of a feeling of wrongness? The only way to do it is through prayer, bathing the mind in Scripture’s true view of sex (which is earthy and passionate and erotic in the marriage bed), and rewiring the mind and body through deliberate acts of passion, redefining what is erotic inside marriage. The body isn’t a machine, to simply be turned on by nipple stimulation or whatever. The mind and heart must also be fully in play. And that reminds me: play. Learn to play erotically, to really enjoy one another and God’s gift of your wonderful bodies to one another. Eat and drink your fill, O lovers!
It sounds like the problem is probably psychological rather than physical, but it might be worth visiting the doctor just to make sure.
Maybe it would help to experiment with taboos like dirty talk/texts, or leaving the curtains open. Maybe you also need a bit more foreplay, or to experiment with different positions (I’m thinking shallow penetration).
Maybe it would help to have a bath or shower together, or have your husband give you a massage so that you’re relaxed. Perhaps encourage your husband to be vocal during sex, complimenting you on how good you look and how good it feels for him?