Article on sex in marriage. Which issues do you deal with?
I found this article again and thought I’d post it here. It seems to me to address most of the issues/arguments I see in marriages and that we see here on the website. For some, maybe it would help to read it with your spouse and start a conversation & exchange about what hurts and how they hurt each other. For others, maybe it’ll be a reminder to what our spouse needs and how we can make sure we are serving them.
I found the men’s #6 kind of funny because of the truth in it.
“There is no secret formula to arousal. If you think you have found a secret formula, and you attempt to repeat the recipe, your wife will change the secret. Women don’t want to be figured out. They also don’t want to be manipulated.”
I don’t know that I agree with the wording of “don’t want to be figured out”, because I wish I understood myself better, but we definitely don’t want to feel like a project to figure out for fixing. And we don’t intentionally “change the secret”, it can be just as baffling (and frustrating) to us, as it is to men.
Finally got around to reading this. I love the statement in #6 for men: “Women don’t want to be figured out.” But I would add (for me at least) “But we sure love for you to keep trying!” As for which ones I deal with, on the women’s list, the only one that applies as written is #6, and that’s not really a problem. I recognize that truth and remind myself of it often. If I think just a little sideways of what’s written, I guess #3 and #4 are challenges. It’s not that I respond with disinterest when DH initiates, but I have had an idea in my head before of what I wanted him to do and when he didn’t I was disappointed and therefore less enthusiastic. Similarly, although we never deprive each other purposely for manipulative purposes, we fail to maintain the discipline of regular sex because of less important things
I clicked on “go back to all sex and marriage articles” and bookmarked that page for when I have more time!! Thanks for sharing!
I feel the need to comment on men’s #6. It’s not that we want to change the formula or are trying to be mysterious. At least for me, it’s a brain thing. If my DH says the same things each time we’re in bed, it’s not sexy or stimulating to me after the 10th time. I need something new. Same thing goes with physical foreplay. Variety is indeed the spice of life.
For my wife, it is important that I keep #4,3 & 7 in mind. With my work schedule and now her school schedule and stressors plus HS kids’ sports, when she doesn’t get her #4 fill, things can easily get sideways with my drive still high…and despite DW enjoying sex and maybe being a HD spouse too (at least more than some in our church circles). 😁😁😁
I’ve been focusing a lot on building our relationship through quality time together (#4). We live a busy life and I’m trying to reduce my commitments so DW and I can enjoy more time together. It’s definitely led to a more intimate relationship!
I was challenged by #6, as I do like some variety, but I try to stick with what works for DW so her pleasure is maximized.
To answer the question of what issues I deal with…
“3. How you respond to your husband when he initiates sex is critical. To be uninterested can communicate a lack of respect and honor for him. I’m not saying you need to say yes every time he initiates. But when you say no, explain why in a way that still affirms your desire for him.”
I can still struggle with this when there’s something out of the ordinary going on, and he seems to be blind to it or not care, and still approaches as all is well. Because it can feel unloving, I have caught myself reacting in an unloving manner.
“5. Men are visually oriented. No matter how you see yourself, he is stimulated by sight. Again, God is the One who made men with a desire to see women naked. And the only legitimate way for your husband to satisfy this God-given desire is for you to let him see you naked.”
I call this phenomenon his “sex goggles”. I know this in my mind, and have even been convicted about it…but it doesn’t take away from the reality of my feelings and what I deal with when I feel disconnected, used, and/or exhausted as a whole.