Ballad having a look
It’s great to hear from you, even though I kniww the news is difficult. A friend of mine, whom I got to see the pain and the struggle, of his walking through a divorce…said it was the hardest thing he has ever gone through and wouldn’t wish it in an enemy. And this was coming from a difficult, sexual refusal marriage, that at times he thought divorce looked appealing.
No matter what Aria was like, no matter how difficult and painful things were, it doesn’t take away the fact you two became one, and to lose that is like losing part of yourself, in essence, like an amputation.
Continued prayers for you, brother.
Thanks for asking, SeekingChange.
This has been the toughest year. In the space of 12 months, I lost my job, my home, my cat, my car, and my marriage. By the end of 2019, the divorce process should be final.
I say “lost,” as well, because it feels like we both lost a war. That we are in utter disgrace. It doesn’t help a whole lot to know that, by human effort, it wasn’t ever going to be possible to win. In hindsight I have come to appreciate that Aria almost certainly has a narcissistic personality disorder. This is something I didn’t know much about as it was unfolding, but I can tell you it goes so much deeper than base selfishness, passive-aggressiveness, sexual aversion, depression, or most of the other possibilities the community here helped me explore. With good reason, it is deemed incurable by psychologists. It is a modern demon.
On top of all the manifest self-centeredness and the direct abuse toward me, this lens has helped to clarify her pathological avoidance of any form of accountability. Only wanting to worship, if at all, in really big liturgical churches where people were less likely to talk to her. Putting on a completely different personality for the benefit of others in our lives. Anger at learning that I’d been asking our mutual friends to reach out and support her. Pushing to live in greater physical isolation. Rejecting personal counseling categorically. A melodramatic outburst when I first raised the prospect of joint counseling, and inconsolable weeping over the three sessions we actually attended in the end. Telling me with a broken voice that I didn’t know how much it had cost her to even consider it. Blazing hatred of my reading books such as Boundaries. The years-long campaign to convince me to give up TMB.
Anything that could expose her to scrutiny and to understanding of her behavior, in her mind, posed an existential threat to her sense of self… to her very survival.
So eventually, as the narcissistic cycle drew to its typical conclusion, Aria discarded me. Filing for divorce was more palatable to her than continuing to pretend to work on our problems. Now I’m living in my own place with a new job (but still no cat). There is a lot to process. Having some space to process it helps; God is bringing healing, even while I continue to grieve so much. And maybe the truth is that we never had the loving relationship I consider lost. But I still believed in it, you know?