Been lurking, time to join
I’m so grateful for this resource, and the other related websites. I’ve been taking in, reading, watching, appreciating the biblical and positive perspectives.
I’m in my 30s, DH is in his 40s, we’ve been married nearly 16 years and have been believers since our youth. We have five young children and DH’s disabled parents live with us.
What drove me to find resources is hurt over our mismatched drives. I’m young with a nice figure and feel he generally doesn’t see me or desire me, and he says he feels hunted. DH either is LD or has too much anxiety to have HD. I generally am HD though my assertiveness waxes and wanes with my cycle. We’ve had some good conversations in the last years which have helped somewhat though there is still much room to grow. DH has some baggage, and I need to learn tact, among many other things I’m sure. I’ve invited him to be a part of this forum with me but we’ll have to see where that goes.
I don’t have any specific questions right now but I’m sure they will come. Thanks for reading.
Welcome! Good to have you join us. I look forward to your input!
I encourage you to continue to nurture your relationship with your DH and meet the needs that he has in whatever area they are and then also be gently frank about your own sexual needs and desires. I encourage you to read the books For Women Only and For Men Only (if you haven’t yet.) Also encourage your DH to read them too.
Welcome, @MrsNerd. I hope you enjoy and learn from this forum.
I know that you may not want to give exact ages for anonymity purposes, but can you disclose the age difference between you and your DH? There’s a huge difference between 49/30 and 40/39, for instance (though I assume you’re at least mid 30’s if you’ve been married 16 yr).
As @NWNL mentioned, roughly 25% of marriages have the wife as the HrD, so you’re not really an oddball. As to what may contribute to his anxiety, 5 kids plus 2 disabled parents are more than enough, wow. As @SC mentioned, checking your husband’s health is certainly useful, and that certainly goes beyond just testosterone. Weight, blood pressure, etc can contribute to both desire and performance in bed.
Oh, and for the “best answer”, you as the person that asked the question are the only one that can change the best answer, though others can select it as the first “best answer”. There are all sorts of other oddities with these forums, so feel free to ask about those as you go along.
Welcome aboard Mrs. Nerd. We’re glad you found TMB.
There’s a lot of different influences in your marriage. While your drives may be flipped from the typical male/female HD/LD, 20-25% of females are in your situation as the HD spouse. Age can be a factor in some ways but I think you’re doing the right thing by having the conversations. I’m not sure what baggage you’re referring to that DH has but some baggage has significant effects on drive and intimacy more than others.
Welcome to TMB! Already by your introduction and the interaction with long-time members (thoughtful and wise) you will benefit and benefit others.
Nerds are wonderful people! My son is a supreme, successful nerd. His wife is not – she is very creative and high energy. They continue to sort out the challenges of being wired so differently. TMB is a marvelous place to learn and contribute ideas in this regard.
@MrsNerd Lol! I hate to break it to you, but the nerd virus spreads faster than Covid-19. You are definitely infected. Almost everything I listed was his thing first and then I found myself enjoying it after reluctantly joining in. Things I never would have sought out myself. Just goes to show the Lord knew who was right for me, because if as a dreamy young girl I had looked into the future and seen some of the things we have in our house I would have run screaming but I wouldn’t trade my Geeky man and our life for anything!
A 5-yr gap is not large at all and likely not a significant contributor to the difference in your drives. Has your drive always been higher than his, or is this a more recent development? You mention you have a “nice figure”, is that implying that he does not? Just curious on these things and how they may play into the mental side of your MB.