Been lurking, time to join

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    Hi there, 

    I’m so grateful for this resource, and the other related websites. I’ve been taking in, reading, watching, appreciating the biblical and positive perspectives.
    I’m in my 30s, DH is in his 40s, we’ve been married nearly 16 years and have been believers since our youth. We have five young children and DH’s disabled parents live with us. 
    What drove me to find resources is hurt over our mismatched drives. I’m young with a nice figure and feel he generally doesn’t see me or desire me, and he says he feels hunted. DH either is LD or has too much anxiety to have HD. I generally am HD though my assertiveness waxes and wanes with my cycle. We’ve had some good conversations in the last years which have helped somewhat though there is still much room to grow. DH has some baggage, and I need to learn tact, among many other things I’m sure. I’ve invited him to be a part of this forum with me but we’ll have to see where that goes.
     I don’t have any specific questions right now but I’m sure they will come. Thanks for reading. 

     

    Hammock Asked on July 25, 2020 in Introduce Yourself.
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    17 Answer(s)

      Welcome aboard Mrs. Nerd. We’re glad you found TMB.

      There’s a lot of different influences in your marriage. While your drives may be flipped from the typical male/female HD/LD, 20-25% of females are in your situation as the HD spouse. Age can be a factor in some ways but I think you’re doing the right thing by having the conversations. I’m not sure what baggage you’re referring to that DH has but some baggage has significant effects on drive and intimacy more than others.

      Under the stars Answered on July 25, 2020.
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        Glad you are here, and I hope that you find the support and encouragement you need, plus some practical ideas and wisdom.  Has your husband happened to have a physical and had his hormones checked?

        Under the stars Answered on July 25, 2020.
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          Welcome! Good to have you join us. I look forward to your input!

          I encourage you to continue to nurture your relationship with your DH and meet the needs that he has in whatever area they are and then also be gently frank about your own sexual needs and desires. I encourage you to read the books For Women Only and For Men Only (if you haven’t yet.) Also encourage your DH to read them too.

          Under the stars Answered on July 25, 2020.
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            Thanks. Mainly he has baggage that has contributed to anxiety conditions. He’s not the type to stick with therapy (tried that) but he is a functional human being in spite of it thankfully. Some of the time he is willing to work on issues with me so I’m hopeful.
            Thank you all

            Hammock Answered on July 25, 2020.
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              Haven’t looked into hormone issues with him yet. He has a yearly physical for work, but his health could be better (his eating habits could use a revamp).

              Hammock Answered on July 25, 2020.
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                Not sure how I selected a “best answer” but now I can’t de-select. Ha.

                Hammock Answered on July 25, 2020.
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                  Welcome, @MrsNerd. I hope you enjoy and learn from this forum.

                  I know that you may not want to give exact ages for anonymity purposes, but can you disclose the age difference between you and your DH? There’s a huge difference between 49/30 and 40/39, for instance (though I assume you’re at least mid 30’s if you’ve been married 16 yr).

                  As @NWNL mentioned, roughly 25% of marriages have the wife as the HrD, so you’re not really an oddball. As to what may contribute to his anxiety, 5 kids plus 2 disabled parents are more than enough, wow. As @SC mentioned, checking your husband’s health is certainly useful, and that certainly goes beyond just testosterone. Weight, blood pressure, etc can contribute to both desire and performance in bed.

                  Oh, and for the “best answer”, you as the person that asked the question are the only one that can change the best answer, though others can select it as the first “best answer”. There are all sorts of other oddities with these forums, so feel free to ask about those as you go along.

                  -Scott

                  Under the stars Answered on July 25, 2020.

                  Forgot to mention, my wife and I are both mid 30’s. I do most of the participation, but we discuss quite a few topics together.

                  -Scott

                  on July 25, 2020.
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                    Thank you; We’re five years apart.

                    Hammock Answered on July 25, 2020.

                    Yeah, not a huge difference but sometimes his age could bring in health issues, especially with all the stressful situations in your household.

                     DW & I are 11 yrs apart at 53/42 and stress can definitely affect my drive along with age on occasion.  

                    on July 26, 2020.
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                      Welcome! My question for you is what kind of Nerdiness gives you the name you chose? Are you the nerd and you chose Mrs to let us know you’re a wife or are you indicating you are wife to a nerd or are you both nerds? Are we talking math and science types, science fiction, comic books and superheroes, tv and movie fandoms…?

                      Do you know what a Browncoat is? Did you cry when the stone table cracked? Do you eat second breakfast? Do you solemnly swear that you are up to no good? Does your DH occasionally say “I know” when you say “I love you”? Do you love pineapple? Will I thank you later?  DC or Marvel? Did you take Backup? Have you been to Cabot Cove? (I could keep going, but I’d be here a really long time and if these are not your people, you will just be incredibly bored! If they are, there are a few of us around!)

                      Under the stars Answered on July 26, 2020.

                      I consider myself a nerd but only got a little over half of those! Glad I’m in good company. Also, DC all the way!

                      on July 27, 2020.

                      Yay! It’s always good to find the other nerds and geeks among us! And you are absolutely right: we are a DC house and wouldn’t have it any other way! (Although we enjoy the Marvel movies.)

                      The answers are:  Firefly, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (all things Narnia, really), Lord of the Rings (Hobbits, as well as our cats, eat second breakfast), Harry Potter, Star Wars, Psych, and Monk. Then Veronica Mars (Backup is her dog),  and Jessica Fletcher of Murder, She Wrote lives in Cabot Cove, Maine.

                      I keep planning to do one of those crafty signs for our yard that points to all those places (Narnia, Hogwarts, Tatooine, etc) but there are just so man to choose from with all the different things we like that we have never narrowed it down!

                      on August 3, 2020.
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                        @Duchess your comment made me smile. He is the nerd, I don’t gravitate toward those things but I do follow along and anything that interests him that he would like me to participate in. I don’t mind, mostly.
                        When I told him I would call myself MrsNerd he did answer that some people would think I was the nerd. Ah well. 😂
                        Nearly everything you mentioned is game as far as his nerdy interests. If most of our friends are nerds and most of our activities are nerdy, does it make me a nerd? Ha. I never thought so but I could be wrong…

                        Hammock Answered on July 26, 2020.
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