Best Advice for the Wedding Night
Thought it would be a good idea for married couples to share their best advice and recommendations for engaged couples approaching the wedding night.
I wrote a detailed wedding night guide on another site and I’ll share those thoughts below.
Wedding Night Advice:
1. Don’t be afraid of “failure”. Things may not all go according to plan. You may not be able to have complete intercourse the first night, she may not be able to orgasm, she may be on her period, he might have trouble with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction etc. It took 3 nights before I was able to get all the way inside DW and 3-4 months before she experienced an orgasm. I would recommend having the goal of going all the way but don’t get bummed if y’all don’t quite make it. Its a learning experience. Just have fun.
2. I think it is important to understand that most guys think as much about the wedding night as most girls do about the wedding (there are also many women who anticipate the wedding night just as much as the guy). Therefore, the wedding night should be as thoroughly discussed as the ceremony.
Engaged couples should seek a private place (preferably without a bedroom or easy way to engage in sex) and have a rundown. How do they want the wedding night to go? Do they want to have him undress her or for her to do a strip tease? Does he want her to wear lingerie, the wedding dress, something else? Do they want to skip the undressing part all together and just meet up naked in the shower? What positions do they want to try? Do they just want to be spontaneous and have nothing planned? etc. etc.
3. Be slow and sensual. Hopefully this is the bride and grooms first sexual experience* and it can be a little overwhelming at first. My wife was a bit startled when she saw an erect penis in the flesh for the first time. I know the natural inclination for a guy after the door closes is to just rip her clothes off and get at it but that isn’t the way to go. (unless that is what she wants).
Instead go slowly and spend time exploring each other’s bodies (a full length mirror is great for this). I would recommend that the husband undress the wife and trace, explore, and lovingly comment on each part he uncovers. Use the Song of Solomon chapters 4 & 7 as a guide.
Specific recommendations for guys:
A. Avoid the obvious sexual parts at first and comment on her other features, hair, eyes, lips, feet, etc. Slowly remove articles of each other’s clothing in turn (socks, pants, shirt, pieces of lingerie not covering sexy bits, etc.) Kiss, kiss, and kiss again!
B. After this she should only have clothes covering her sexual areas. Take them off and gaze at the beauty of your bride. The reveal of the breasts and vulva is a very special moment. Savor it. To me this was the moment when my wife and I became sexually intimate. Do all the things you planned to do with her breasts (but slowly and gently); kiss them, squeeze them, suck on them etc. Tell her how beautiful she is.
C. At this point the husband should start manually stimulating the clitoris with his hand. Take in the sight of her fully naked body while continuing stimulation. Add generous amounts of artificial lubricant.
D. When she is very aroused and lubricated attempt to bring her to orgasm. Listen to her ques and directions. If it seems after a while like it’s not gonna happen don’t sweat it, just proceed to intercourse.
E. Missionary position is generally the best for first time sex. Slowly attempt penetration. It might take some effort to get everything at the right angle. Some initial discomfort is okay but if it hurts her stop and apply more lubricant. Sex isn’t supposed to hurt. If penetration just doesn’t work stop and climax in another fashion.
F. Once penetration has been achieved thrust slowly until ejaculation. It likely won’t take much time the first go round. If she isn’t fully satisfied, make sure to continue stimulation. Start training yourself that sex doesn’t always end when you ejaculate. It ends when both partners are satisfied.
Note 1: It might be a good idea for the wife to give the husband a handjob or oral sex for his first orgasm. Reasons include PE concerns, intercourse not quite working out on the first go, the wife wanting to see how her husband’s arousal cycle works, or helping the wife get over her shyness for things sexual. If this idea is pursued I would encourage the wife to let her husband ejaculate in her mouth, on her breasts, stomach, or some other part of her body. Its okay though if this is too big a step for the first time.
Note 2: The guy should tell her how is he is feeling emotionally as he is unwrapping her. Women are far more emotionally minded than men and sometimes don’t realize how emotional sex is for a man. Telling her how she makes you feel emotionally is a great way to connect with her, arouse her (the brain is the most important sex organ), and help her realize sex is more than just physical.
*Even if the wedding night isn’t their first sexual experience they shouldn’t think of themselves as “damaged goods.” Everybody has fallen short in some way and God still wants them to have a marriage bed filled with joy and pleasure.
Assuming it is the first time for both, realize that just like a sport, you are never very good the first time, but you can still enjoy trying it out while recognizing it may not be perfect. You will have 20, 30, 40, maybe even 50 years to practice together. Don’t rush right into intercourse, enjoy the foreplay ahead of the main event. Enjoy all of the senses — the new sights, smells, tastes, touches, and sounds — that you get to experience for the first time with your bride or groom. I have to admit that I don’t remember the actual sex from our first time. However, I will never forget putting my hand up my wife’s shirt and the feeling her bare back. I will never forget when she took her bra off and I saw her bare breasts for the first time. I will never forget the taste and smell of her as I clumsily attempted oral sex for the first time. Have fun together!
My wife got married in her country, and a makeup and hair styling was included. They covered her with make-up and hairspray. We had a flight out of the country the next day.
She didn’t want to wash her hair, but the hairspray irritated her scalp later. We did bathe together before attempting the deed. I’d say make sure to wash her hair as advice.
Also, she did not get help from family, many of whom were from out of town, while planning the wedding. I didn’t speak the language much. But i wish I’d helped more. We moved a night or two before and had to take care of her family in the house we would be living in. My advice is get help and get plenty of rest before the wedding. She didn’t.
By the time the party was over, it was probably 10 or 11. Her friend did not get any wedding cake and asked to come back with us to our room to get a piece of cake! My advice is, if your friend does this, tell her she has a lot of nerve to ask that. I was polite. My wife was not really thinking it through from my perspective to say yes. I stayed by the elevator. The friend asked why. I said there was something I needed to do. She said carry her over the threshold. It’s a good thing she reminded me. I just wanted to have sex with my wife and I wanted her to feel like she was waiting on me so she’d leave. But I wanted to do that too.
She was out of there fast.
Anyway, get plenty of rest. I did not get all the way in that night. My wife was about to pass out from exhaustion. I managed to ejaculate somehow. She gave me a handjob in the morning, we dropped off the dress, and we were on an international flight. We did have some actual intercourse in the next country, which was good.
Another piece of advice– take lube.
Another piece of advice– if you can, get a piece of that plastic stuff they cover couches in at a Walmart that sells cloth and use that as a sex mat. Bring your own towel to put on the mat and have her lay on it. If she bleeds, wrap up the towel up and send it to her by your best man in the morning with a note that says ‘Deuteronomy 22:17. Thank you for giving me your daughter in marriage. She was a virgin.” Put that note in an envelope and the towel in an opaque bag. Write on the envelope “Read envelop before opening the bag.” You don’t want to scare them too much.
Another piece of advice. If there is nonoxynol 9 that fizzes like alkaselser, don’t use that one. Like I said, we got married overseas. I don’t know what the deal was with that stuff.
These are great suggestions!
Some of ours are:
- Relax and chill out about the wedding night. Just determine to enjoy one another and make the experience as relaxed and pressure-free as possible. Do the same with the honeymoon.
- Be aware that PIV sex may not happen on the first night, or even after that right away. Be prepared to engage in alternative forms of intimacy until you’re able to achieve PIV sex.
- Talk frankly about sexual expectations, any potential known difficulties, birth control decisions, etc, before the wedding but not too much before it, to avoid temptation
- Spend time getting to know each others’ bodies. Take time showing one another around. Make it fun. The moment of unveiling one another is special.
- Keep a good sense of perspective–you have the rest of your lives to enjoy one another. If things don’t work out like you intended or dreamed, that doesn’t ruin everything. There are plenty of great marriages out there with awful wedding night or honeymoon stories!