Breakthrough in Vulnerability
I feel like we had a small but hugely significant breakthrough tonight. And it had nothing to do with sex. Yet I think it may have everything to do with sex. And LD vs HD spouse IS NOT the main problem!
Someone challenged us to meditate on John 10. Tonight I brought it up with my DW for us to discuss. I commented how we really didn’t do this enough together (just discussing scripture outside of prepping lessons for church) and I wanted to do it more often.
We read it together and I shared for several minutes about a few things I saw and asked her what she saw. She didn’t respond so I suggested we both meditate on it some more and revisit tomorrow night. She started crying and saying she felt like I had rebuked her because she didn’t have anything to say. She was processing scripture and hadn’t yet figured out what to say. I was a little shell shocked at her crying because that wasn’t my intention at all. I apologized and shut my mouth so she could process in her own time (my yapping was what got me in trouble in the first place!). She said that in 20 years of teaching she is used to teaching the Bible and explaining the text and applying it to lives. But it’s rare that she actually opens up and says how God is teaching her through a passage.
I apologized again and asked forgiveness for doing a poor job over the years leading us to share on a heart level. I said I wanted to lead us to do better. I asked if she wanted that as well. After a while longer she said ‘honestly… yes and no’. After another pause she said she realized that she really doesn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable and weak around me.
Well that makes so many other things make sense!! I process externally. I talk it out. My brain is racing through an issues and connecting the dots as I talk. She processes internally more slowly than me. So when I’m processing through by talking and I ask her opinion on something and she’s still internally processing (which I dont see), I assume she doesn’t have anything to say and I just keep moving. But she was still thinking!!! OH MY GOODNESS! For over a decade I’ve unintentionally trained my wife to just shutup and listen!! I haven’t given her a chance to be open and vulnerable because I wouldn’t stop blabbing.
God forgive me.
Holy Spirit I am deeply grateful that you have revealed this to me! Jesus please change me! Please retrain me to shepherd my bride’s heart well.
This has nothing to do directly with sex… but I think it may have everything to do indirectly with sex. She is uncomfortable being vulnerable with me. No wonder she doesn’t want to have deep conversations about sex (which makes her really uncomfortable in the first place)!! When the marriage bed is the most intimate and most vulnerable place, no wonder we’ve been having issues!!
And she made that connection! That’s a big deal. We’ve been going after the weed instead of the root.
Thank you Holy Spirit for revealing the root to us. God please lead us both towards you. Retrain our hearts to connect on that level. Give me the emotional sensitivity to lead my wife’s heart towards you. What a wonderful and compassionate savior you are, that you would reveal to us the huge blind spot that was so much bigger and deeper HD vs. LD spouses. What a good God you are that you would purposefully lead us to a place of deep pain for such a long time in our lives so that you can reveal and root out an even deeper sin we had no idea was there. Wounds from our loving Father can truly be trusted. Please continue to chip away at our sin and remove the scales from our eyes so we may see more clearly and live in the joyous abundant life you designed us for. Please keep us sensitive to the leading of your Spirit. We love you King Jesus.
To be clear – this doesn’t mean the problem is solved. Christ simply brought it into the light tonight. Please continue to pray for wisdom to address this and begin the long road of working through it together as we move towards Christ.
I’m the slow internal processor and my husband is the fast verbal processor. I totally get your aha moment. 🙂 Sometimes it helps me to create a couple of sentences like, “I’m still processing it.” or “Sweetie, I love to hear your perspectives, but I’m still processing. I haven’t come to any conclusions.” I want to hear what my husband thinks, but he needs to know where I am in the process.