Choreplay

    Does “CHOREPLAY” (cooking, cleaning, watching kids, etc.) lead to more sexual intimacy in your marriage bed?  If so, why do you think that is?  If not, why doesn’t it?  After a few responses, I will answer how this goes in my marriage.

    Fell out of ... Asked on November 22, 2020 in MARRIED SEX.
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      It speaks love to my wife through acts of service. It removes stuff from her plate. It creates more time and lessens the stress. It frees her up to do other things, not just for me but for her. It demonstrates love to her and then she in turn thinks of me and what I want/need.

      Doing it in exchange for sex doesn’t work well long term. While we joke on occasion about doing certain things for a task to be accomplished, sex is not a currency we regularly use to get something we want because it cheapens the act to currency rather than serving one another out of love. 

      Under the stars Answered on November 22, 2020.
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        Not usually, because many things in “choreplay” just aren’t that big of a deal to me. It doesn’t bother me to have dishes sitting in the sink. I could care less what our yard looks like. If anything, it can have the opposite effect because he can spend so much time doing things, it robs me the time and real connection. Although when he and the kids are bonding, I do find it attractive and it makes my heart flutter.

        Under the stars Answered on November 22, 2020.
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          Not really. I do a lot of the chores anyway, so that’s the baseline. I suppose doing no chores might result in lost sexual sessions, but doing more chores won’t add to what is already happening.

          What we’ve found works best is to do some of the chores together to build on Zelda’s LL of Quality Time.

          -Scott

          Under the stars Answered on November 22, 2020.
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            No, it doesn’t. At least not with us. I sometimes joke that I’m earning brownie points (for sexual favors), but not in actuality. Way back when she was a modest refuser and a gatekeeper, I entertained that thought more. But, even then I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to bribe anyone or have them feel I’m doing that. Rewarding people for what they do is different, in my mind.

            Having said that, I do help out with chores and am always available to do more when needed.

            Under the stars Answered on November 22, 2020.
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              My choreplay level does net translate to the MB, except in those cases when I do so much around the house that she feels it takes time away from us, then it’s a negative impact.  I do quite a bit around the house, because I don’t wan to live in a dump but more importantly because she works hard, is more worn out than me when she gets home, and she finds housework a horrendous chore and even more draining physically and mentally, whereas I like it ( up to a point) and it somewhat recharges me.  I do get verbal thanks.

              Many moons ago I mentioned tying sexual favors from her to my level of housework and she went into semi-freakout mode about how sex should never be used as a weapon and it is sinful to use it as leverage and on and on.  I tried to explain I meant it in  a sort of playful way, that we could make a game of it and it could certainly be a two way street for her, also, and could be something we could enjoy and could ( heaven forbid) lead to more sex between us.  All that apparently fell on deaf ears and the idea went nowhere.

               

              King bed Answered on November 23, 2020.
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                The quantity of chores I do does not really impact our MB. We have scheduled sex that is not tied to any pre-requisites. I do try to be helpful and anticipate things I can do to reduce DW’s work load, but not because I believe it will translate into more sex.

                Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 23, 2020.
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                  OK, I must admit I am shocked at the responses here.  Most of the reading that I’ve done and assumptions made on other marriage sites seem to suggest that the hubby giving the baby a bath or vacuuming the living room is such a turn on to the wife there is NO DOUBT that sex is in the picture.  But, in my marriage,  choreplay has no impact whatsoever on that aspect of our marriage.  If anything, it has the opposite effect as DW feels manipulated.  My love language is acts of service and it took me over a decade to figure out DW love language is words of affirmation and physical touch.  So, doing these things daily and religiously did nothing for her. But,  I still do them gladly today, with no expectation of anything in return,  because it is the right thing to do, it blesses her in that it frees her up to do other things and it helps our household run more smoothly.

                  A couple of good points by several of you.  Working on chores together as @Scott suggested is a great idea.  But, sometimes the level of quality given to a chore causes tension.  Also, as @ SC suggested, “When DH and the kids bond, my heart flutters.”  My DW has told me dozens of times that after observing me, she knew in her mind that I would be a good father and since she wanted a large family that was important to her and I know when the kids were smaller, she loved watching me in action with them.  I doubt very much it lead to sex but it did fill up her love tank.

                  Fell out of ... Answered on November 23, 2020.
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                    Same here, choreplay does not lead to more sex at all. I love to do things around the house and don’t depend on my wife to do it all. She dislikes housework more than I do, so I don’t mind.

                    Similar to shortman’s post, we did trade housework for sex many years ago. Wife would give me a Friday night quickie if I did nearly all the housework that week. I liked it, but she didn’t, said she felt guilty I would do that much work for 5 minutes of fun. We haven’t done that in several years.

                    On the floor Answered on November 23, 2020.
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                      My wife’s love language is acts of service. She has a very demanding job, especially in this past year with COVID, giving her little time to do things around the house. Even before sheltering, etc. I was doing a number of the chores to help her out and while my love language is physical touch, what I do for her in acts of service doesn’t equate to more sex, but then that’s not the intention in doing them for her. I don’t ulterior motives hoping to get something out of it.

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 23, 2020.

                      “I don’t (have) ulterior motives hoping to get something out of it.”

                      What are your motives then?

                      on November 23, 2020.

                      My motive is to love my wife through serving her. There is no expectation that she reciprocate in any way.

                      on November 23, 2020.
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                        It might help…a little.
                        We have a very traditional marriage with her at home doing the vast majority of indoor tasks. She is super busy so if I do the dishes, fold some laundry, or clean up something it is greatly appreciated. It will not “turn her on”, but it might help free up some time to make sex more likely later in the evening. I’ve poked her a time or two about getting “repayment” later, but it’s done in jest and maybe to put a thought of sex in her mind as she never thinks about it on her own.

                        On the floor Answered on November 23, 2020.
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