Coming out

    I have kept my activity on this forum apart from my wife’s knowledge.  I don’t think she is ready for it, and since I have used it to seek help at times, I would be concerned about how she might feel if she read some of them.  But I don’t like keeping secrets from her.  At some point I hope to share it with her.  I have told her a few months ago that when I spend time alone I’m often seeking to learn and grow, so she has an idea.  I also realize that she may have already seen it or could stumble upon it any time.  She can access my phone and I often forget to close windows in the browser.  I don’t really want to delete threads since I think they can be helpful for others but maybe that would be a good idea to do first.  Do I wait until we get further along with healing?  What say the people?

    Add Comment
    7 Answer(s)

      I know people handle things differently.  My husband knows I am on TMB, he even knows I shared my process on here, including the more negative stuff.  He could come on and read at anytime, but he hasn’t.  I have always tried to live by, if I am willing to talk about it with strangers or others, I need to talk about it with him.  I often will share after I process and work through things on my own, that way he does hear the “in love” version.  I am not one who fears conflict, nor do I typically avoid the truth.

      I don’t know if this is the most loving attitude, but if a spouse has a problem that their spouse is finding help, encouragement and wanting to grow, whose problem is it?   Will it do more harm to your marriage if she came across the truth or was confronted with the truth,  or that you are never honest and keep things hidden?

      Under the stars Answered on August 7, 2019.

      I am really afraid of causing more harm. It might be a little much to process right now.

      on August 8, 2019.

      For a very long time I would never talk about it with others because I don’t want to dishonor my wife. That changed this spring with depression and suicidal thoughts.

      on August 8, 2019.
      Add Comment

        DH and I share most everything. The odd time, he comes out with a piece of news or something, that he says he decided not to share with me, because he knew it would cause me extra stress. I have done the same for him, kept something quiet so as to avoid causing him stress. I am not talking about sinful things.

        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 8, 2019.
        Add Comment

          Has she expressed any curiosity about what  ” when I spend time alone I’m often seeking to learn and grow”  means?

          King bed Answered on August 8, 2019.

          No. I have brought up things I’ve read about, and I let her know that I go to sites with Christian perspectives. I have bought books under the guise of: read these and see if they would be helpful as gifts to our kids when they get married. She doesn’t touch them.

          on August 8, 2019.

          Well… when you feel the time is right, you might use TMB as a jumping off point. You can start with something like “So I read something interesting on one of those Christian sites I told you I’ve been reading, I’d like your opinion”. It can be something benign (aka not related to your marriage) such as the Josh Harris discussion. If she’s interested in giving you her opinion, maybe that can open the door to other topics?

          on August 8, 2019.
          Add Comment

            That is an interesting question. Many on TMB probably have been wondering the same.

            I think timing is important. For me this would be one indicator of good timing: When what you have been reading, learning here has made a significant impact on your life and on your relationship with her. I’m not saying you need transformation more than the rest of us. But, if your DW can see a change for the positive in your life, she’ll likely be more open to listening or even asking before you tell her.

            Under the stars Answered on August 8, 2019.
            Add Comment

              Don’t forget to listen for the guidance of the Holy Spirit on “when” if you decide “not now” or even to decide “whether or not now”.  But I think it’s safe to say a good rule of thumb that the less we hide from a spouse the better, short of a very good (God-guided) reason for doing so.

              Under the stars Answered on August 8, 2019.
              Add Comment

                My spouse knows I’m on TMB and has known for years. For a brief while, we were on here together, but now it’s pretty much just me. Interestingly, that’s fairly typical for TMB couples, and it’s not just the man. Sometimes, it’s the woman who’s here on TMB and her husband isn’t interested. That being said, I believe in open communication between husband and wife. You can approach it slowly, letting her know that you’ve been learning some great stuff from a Christian site on marriage lately. Then let her know it’s a forum and it’s mostly about sex and there are some mature and amazing Christian people on here, etc. She will probably need to be reassured that everyone on here isn’t just a bunch of perverts. But I think if she were to see discussions on different threads, perhaps she would be convinced that this is a good thing.

                California King Answered on August 10, 2019.
                Add Comment

                  The same thoughts went through my head and I was so nervous, thinking maybe I shared too much detail about our personal life. I went on a walk with my husband (it wasn’t tense, just peaceful/happy) and asked what he would think of me going online anonymously and asking for advice related to our marriage. He thought it was fine, so I said I already did go online for advice. He didn’t mind. Btw I found out you can’t delete a post, you can only edit. 

                  Queen bed Answered on August 31, 2019.
                  Add Comment

                  Your Answer

                  By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.