Consequences of Marrying a Non-virgin?

    I’ve saved myself for marriage, and ideally, I’d like to marry a woman who has as well. Virgin marriages statistically have higher satisfaction rates, better sex, and divorce less frequently. But aside from the statistics, there’s the fact that you and your partner are truly, 100% exclusive.

    So, I’ve started talking to a girl who is otherwise ideal, and has many of the qualities I’m looking for in a spouse. We have the same goals for our futures, desire the same lifestyle, share the same temperament, etc. But, she has previous sexual partners.

    I don’t know how to make this decision (whether to pursue her, or let her go), because I don’t know how her not being a virgin will effect our relationship (if at all).

    Do any of you married folk have advice, or insight, to offer?

    Thanks!

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    15 Answer(s)

      I was the virgin on my wedding night, and because in my case this is my first marriage (and trusting that it will also be my last), I have no other experience to compare it to.

      But marrying my wife was one of the best decisions I’ve made and I wouldn’t change it.

      Have we had struggles? Sometimes, but I wouldn’t want anyone else to work through the details of life with.

      I would say marry the woman you love (whomever that is) and let the other details be secondary.

      May God guide you in your decision.

      Queen bed Answered on June 10, 2019.
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        I would say it’s more important that she’s a committed Christian and that going forward, she wants to wait till marriage to engage in intercourse with you.

        You also need to examine yourself and see if you can look past her previous relationships. Over the years, we’ve seen some men on TMB who seemed to not be able to let it go.

        On the floor Answered on June 10, 2019.
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          Assuming that you’re both committed Christians, I don’t see that her past sexual relationships need to prevent you from marrying. The fact is that we’ve all sinned and fallen short, and the important thing is that we confess our sins before God, repent and turn from them.

          Having said that, her previous sexual relationships will have consequences for your relationship. I think you need to talk to your pastor or someone like an elder in your church. Find someone who knows both of you, and whose opinion you trust, with whom you can have a frank conversation about your situation and whether it’s wise to pursue this relationship.

          Fell out of ... Answered on June 10, 2019.
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            My wife had many sexual partners before marriage and it had no effect on our marriage at all. We’re happy as can be.

            Queen bed Answered on June 10, 2019.
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              Can it pose some problems? Possibly. Is it the only thing that should hold you back? I don’t think so. I had a few partners before marriage and have not rely had an issue with it. My husband is not the best endowed I’ve been with and that may be where some get caught up, but it hasn’t bothered me and my husband makes up for it with foreplay and respect. I have relatively recently done some work with some lady’s at church to release soul ties which I can see a little difference in some ways, more to do with abuse than past partners.

              Queen bed Answered on June 10, 2019.
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                I believe it will have an effect on a marriage, but so does all of our history and past of each and everyone of us.  Our childhood, our personalities, our sins, others’ sins, everything has an effect on us and therefore on our relationships.  What we do with it, is what makes the biggest difference on if is used for the positive or the negative.  Will we learn and grow from it so that it can and will be used to build up and make ourselves and a marriage stronger or do we stay stuck and bound, therefore letting it tear at us, and the marriage, piece by piece and making it weaker and ultimately destroying it?

                If a potential spouse cannot or is not prepared to give and live a lifestyle of forgiveness or show mercy and grace, then they should enter no marriage, virgin or not, because their spouse will be imperfect and sin…and they will bring out the sin in you.  If a man or woman believes that they are near perfect because they stayed “pure” in one area of life (not losing their virginity), I challenge them to take a look at themselves and see where they are not so pure, and if it was all exposed, every look, every thought, every word, every action, everything hidden or not, how would you want Jesus to treat you and how would you want others to judge you?

                I think self-reflection and introspection is the first thing that needs to happen.  If you can’t love a woman for who she is, baggage and all, than she is not the one…. save her from that misery and heartache.  If you know you are ready to love another unconditionally, than it doesn’t hurt to explore that relationship further to see if this woman is the wife for you.

                This reminds me a little of a good friend of mine.  I remember her sharing with me that one thing she did NOT want for her daughters, and would flat-out reject the guy as a possibility of dating her daughters, was if he had any history of porn.   WhoaIs that even possible in this day and age?  To me, what environment I also saw being formed, was a place where one would need to lie and hide in order to get in and stay “acceptable” in that circle/family.  Another thing I found ironic, is that her husband had his own history of porn use.  I can understand that she knows the pain of it and she is trying to save her daughters from that, but it seems like she was missing the work and grace of God that happened in her husband and in their relationship.  And rather than trying to help teach her daughters how to walk through difficulties, it was teaching avoidance, which can only get you so far.

                Under the stars Answered on June 10, 2019.
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                  I think you are a bit off center in your thinking. You say that you recently started talking, and that there is a lot that you have in common. You have not described any feelings of attraction or affection, but you are talking about whether or not you should pursue her.

                  You talk as if you are at an auction looking at horses. One that caught your eye has a slight limp, and you are asking yourself if it will recover completely or pull up lame, and you are trying to decide if you should bid on it.

                  I know this much. Two good willed people that are willing to ask for and give grace can overcome anything, and if one or the other can not, it can be difficult or impossible to make anything work.

                  Rather than trying to pursue, why don’t you slow things down and see if something develops. If it does, then you can work together to overcome anything.

                  On the floor Answered on June 10, 2019.

                  I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again, so in some ways, yes, I am buying a horse.

                  I’ve been at the auction for a while, waiting for a horse I felt something for, that I could also afford. The horse never showed. So I can either plow my fields by hand, or make an offer on a reasonable choice.

                  on June 10, 2019.

                  It sounds like you have had at least one bad experience with relationships. I don’t say this lightly, and do sympathize, but the baggage you are carrying can be just as damaging, or even more damaging to. marriage than previous sexual partners. As has been said several times, we all carry things into our marriage, often not aware how they shape our feelings, our th thinking patterns, and our responses to other things that inevitably come up in a close relationship.

                  For the record, I didn’t say you had to be in love. I said you didn’t mention any feelings whatsoever, and your response sort of reinforced my impressions.

                  I did not suddenly fall in love with my wife. I was first smitten by a yellow tube top, and things progressed from there, but the love I have for her now took a lifetime to build.

                  Don’t make snap judgements. Don’t let your head overrule your heart, but don’t let your heart overrule your head either.

                  Personally, I am a bit troubled by the way you talk about this as a process, specifically a process to have sex. There is a lot more to spending your life with someone than that.

                  on June 11, 2019.

                  While I understand that plowing can be a euphemism for sex, that was not the intended meaning. I only meant to express, that I can either be alone, or choose someone of acceptable caliber to have around.

                  I’ve never been a very emotional person, and rarely develop feelings for people.

                  on June 11, 2019.
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                    Hmm,  I enjoyed reading the comments posted earlier on. I will add a little here.

                    I was in your shoes prior to marriage. I had no experience with sex, did not know how the vulva, vagina looks like etc. I also knew the are guys with good looking penises out there. Therefore, my fear was to marry an “experienced” girl. I dreamed to marry a virgin too. In fact, I prayed about it. You know, God is great and He is a loving Father. He gave me a virgin. She had not had sex before. Today, I realized that if she had had sex earlier, there could have been challenges . Yes marriage has a number of challenges and some of them are sex related.

                    My fears were if the woman is experienced she will compare sizes of penises, compare performance, etc. But where we both virgins , we have nothing to compare with.

                    There are instances where some women have walked out of a marriage right after the wedding night, few weeks after a wedding just because of penis size and or sexual performance.

                    The real decision is with you, whether to purse or let go. You can make a good decision if you prayerfully involve God is your choice. God bless you.

                     

                    King bed Answered on June 11, 2019.

                    I felt the same way.

                    on June 11, 2019.
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                      Oh my dear BioTwin, please be careful!  “I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again”  Unless you are deeply, devotedly, profoundly in love, please do not marry anyone; it will not be fair to her! While I believe an existing marriage without love can be saved and love can grow, I would never start one without the most essential quality that must exist between a husband and wife. Marriage is a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the Church, which is defined by love. How can your marriage represent Christ’s relationship with the Church without the defining quality of Christ?

                      Hang in there:  Keep your eyes on Christ and if the wife he has for you does the same, you will meet at the cross, and you will fall madly in love and KNOW you want to marry her, no matter what was in  her past before Christ cast it as far as the east is from the west.

                      Under the stars Answered on June 11, 2019.

                      I would normally agree with you, but in my particular religious community (messianic), we aren’t afforded that luxury. There are far too few candidates. I hope you’re right, and I end up finding Mrs. Perfect – I’d like to be in love again. But my mind tells me that it simply isn’t a realistic expectation. There are only a handful of people I could potentially marry, and I’ll never meet most of them.

                      on June 11, 2019.
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                        I would like to point out that I respectfully disagree with the logic of a man marrying a virgin just to make sure his penis is the biggest she’s seen. It seems like an immature reason to me. People should marry each other for love … even more than for sexual satisfaction. If a man’s penis is the grandest and most impressive his wife has seen when they have their wedding night, awesome! If not I don’t think that should ruin the marriage. If a woman divorces her husband or gets an annulment due to smaller penis size, then she has some major issues.
                        I need to be honest, however— there are consequences. I was a virgin but grew up looking at porn. As a result,

                        Queen bed Answered on June 11, 2019.
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