Cultivating sexual appreciation for my wife
A bit of a rambling post, but here goes…
What drew / draws you to your spouse sexually? Would you say that your attraction happens naturally and automatically, or is it something you at least partly cultivate?
For me, I would say that my wife and I were initially attracted to each other on a more emotional level (neither of us were each other’s typical “type” we had grown up being attracted to). But I’m glad that didn’t stop us from marrying. Sometimes I wish sex just “happened” passionately and automatically, like culture portrays (I imagine it does for some couples, but it did not initially happen in our marriage — although there have been some improvements in that area), nevertheless I find that the sexual and physical is developing more and more as we work on our marriage. Did any of you have a similar dynamic in the early stages as husband and wife? I feel that romance is portrayed as this hot-headed sexually passionate thing, and so there isn’t much of a cultural blueprint for a marriage that starts as a more emotional, loving, understanding friendship like ours. That’s one of the reasons I’m on this site to learn and cultivate the sexual side by learning what has worked for other Christian couples.
I am also trying to remember and appreciate the things I physically find attractive about my wife to help cultivate our sexual connection and in so doing, shut the door to the enemy’s temptations in my life.
I immediately found attractive about my wife when we met (and still do) is her voice. It’s the most beautiful voice I’ve ever listened to, and as a husband I love it when she talks or sings to me in her high, breathy, soprano in a sensual / seductive manner. She also has really silky, shiny brown hair and a really cute apple bottom that I love.
Since joining this page and learning some new helpful things about marriage, I am trying to compliment her more to help her feel more confident. I am finding that as I compliment her body, it also makes me feel more attracted to her as well!
We met in high school when hormones were raging, so obviously we had that contributing to sexual attraction, but the first thing that really stood out to me about him was his scent. It was a combination of his cologne, his mother’s laundry products, his soap, shampoo, deodorant, etc., and then that elusive element of his own personal scent. It was captivating, and I stole his jacket because it smelled like him. We sat side-by-side every day for several months and I just enjoyed breathing in…him.
Later I noticed things like his hands (long, strong fingers and prominent tendons and knuckles–I don’t know why his knuckles are so appealing to me); his long arms (I believe God gave him those on purpose to reach comfortably around my plumpness); his strong legs (which are also quite shapely); his broad strong shoulders (~sigh~); his cocky grin that did things to my belly that go way beyond butterflies!); and eventually, BY ACCIDENT, the erection he got for me when we snuggled on the couch (this amazing guy actually thinks of me THAT way?!?!?????)
Lately I have re-discovered his eyes. I don’t know if they are evolving or if I just hadn’t taken the time to really fall into them before (staring into each others’ eyes has never really been our style) but I’m seeing colors I never saw before and wishing I could paint them.
You should know, however, that I didn’t think he was sexy/cute/hot and then fall for him (well, maybe a little…) but the more I fell for him, the more appealing he became sexually. What we dwell on becomes our reality.
@EyeAboveTheStorm, you are doing exactly the right thing!
You are on the right track EATS. It is very possible for the mind’s “ideal” body type to change.
Before I met my wife I was most attracted to women who were shorter than me with medium sized breasts. My wife, however, is the same height as me and has small breasts. Now I was quite attracted to her from the beginning but she wasn’t my “type” at the time. As the years have passed from dating to marriage and having sex numerous times I have noticed that my wife’s body type has become my ideal. The pleasure and delight I have from her body rewired my brain. On the attractiveness scale my mind now considers women my height with small breasts as the “ideal” body type.
Focus on the things that attract you to her during sex. For example you said you really like your DW’s behind. Maybe go for a rear entry position that really accentuates that area.
Keep up the good work.
What drew / draws you to your spouse sexually?
His eyes – an unusual shade of hazel, very “twinkly” when he’s amused or happy or showing love for me – also love seeing his eyes while we are having sex; he gets this distinctive look in his eyes that is very arousing and affirming of his love for me
His (dark) body hair/pubic hair
His hands – I love that he still wants to hold hands with me after almost 40 years together, and he has recently discovered a love for manually (internally) stimulating me, which I never thought I would enjoy but it’s very nice – especially when he actually SAYS something about what we’re doing (he’s always been very quiet during sex)
Of course, his genitals – my favorite toy/snack 😉
Would you say that your attraction happens naturally and automatically, or is it something you at least partly cultivate?
The attraction happened naturally, but I have had to cultivate my sexual response to him over our many years together. He’s not particularly “talented” at sex, but I have learned to positively respond to the things he does to me, knowing that he really loves me and wants to please me sexually, and that he’s doing his best, God bless him. I get excited by his excitement. Where I used to feel “ugggh, he’s attacking my clitoris before I’m even remotely ready”, I worked on changing my attitude towards what he wants to do and reacting positively to his efforts. It has really paid off. I even managed to accept his fascination with my feet, which only came out after 30 years of marriage – my feet were always intensely ticklish, but after he told me he likes my feet, somehow the ticklishness went away and he can now handle my feet in any way he wants, with no ticklishness on my part.
I really think it’s a matter of proactively wanting to enjoy him sexually, and adapting over the years to various aspects of our sexuality.
Physically, I think it was her mouth. She has these amazing full lips. However, to be honest, what really attracted me was her amazing mind and heart and her personality. I’m not kidding. I’d dated other women who were technically more physically beautiful, but I’d never met a woman who turned me on the way she did with her thoughts and words and dreams. Once we were married, I fell in love with her body. Again, not a perfect body. I, like many men, had seen a good amount of porn. Thankfully, it didn’t “ruin” me for her, not sure why. I loved and still do, what she does with her body with me and how it brings both of us incredible pleasure. I think it’s mainly her bold attitude and her love of good sex that has kept us on fire in the marriage bed all these years, no matter what shape our bodies are in. We are both trying to get healthier bodies through eating right and exercise, of course, but for my wife and I, our sexual arousal mainly comes through our words and our thoughts and our attitudes.