Difficulty without excessive weight or pressure
So I have always been able to orgasm by laying face down and using the weight of my body and pressure of my hand sort of from above. My husband and I have been married 9 years and it’s too painful for him to do it the way I do on his hands (it’s also painful for me due to chronic pain issues in my hands and shoulder). Although my husband has been successful a handful of times with light pressure it isn’t consistent and takes too long and he gets frustrated and discouraged. He hates me not getting orgasm from sex so we rarely do. I try to encourage him and remind him of the successful times which honestly were only in the past year, prior to that I had kind of accepted just not getting there and was more ok with it than him but still wanted to have sex for the intimacy of it.
We have tried vibrators and they mostly overstimulate me and I end up numb and frustrated. I also have tried using the light touch of just a finger and have not been able to make it work on my own without the full weight of my body that puts me into more pain.
We haven’t tried in quite a while because the last couple times he got frustrated because he felt it was never going to happen. He thinks we need to see a sex therapist but nothing like that exists that our insurance would actually cover and I don’t know that’s the answer.
I struggled for over 15 years to O and I realized one of the biggest contributors was I was not thinking about sex before 9pm when I dropped into bed (I had a houseful of kids!). There was no anticipation, no teasing, no mental stimulation during the day that built up the tension and pressure that allowed me to O in the evening.
Here are things that helped:
– We prayed together. God is the author of sex. He could have made us just procreate but instead he gave us the chance to have incredible physical pleasure! That’s his plan! His will for you both! Seek his help and guidance first and foremost! Plus connecting spiritually will bring your hearts closer to each other which increases trust and love. Do all the spiritual disciplines together; church, prayer, study, serving, fasting, etc.
– Phone calls, emails, texts that talked about our MB, especially anything where hubby was talking about how much he desired me, what he wanted to do to me, etc.
– Games, fun and humor – we lightened the attitude in our marriage instead of focusing on the failure of not having amn O. Funny movies, comedians, game nights, and anything silly! We put our toothbrushes in sexual positions in the morning to indicate what we wanted to do that night, we wrote cards or gave gifts with sexual themes.
– We talked about sex a lot. We did surveys to find out what the other person liked or wanted to try and then we scheduled those be experiences (usually a hotel room date night since we had a lot of kids at home!)
– Invest in your marriage. Read marriage books together, go to seminars or a counselor. Make time and money for date nights, meeting with other married couples you admire, etc.
– We told each other how things felt in our MB. There is something powerful about the words we say out loud. Describing how their body delights us, how wonderful something feels, how sexy they look, the details of what they’d like to do to you. Anything that gets you sharing will open your hearts to each other. I highly recommend getting The 7 Principles of Marriage by Gottman from the library and work through the first part at least. Great discussion questions to get you “knowing” each other better. Sex is SO much more than physical sensations!!!! Your body, mind, soul and spirit are involved. Use them all!
May God bless you in your relationship!
Have you tried other toys besides vibrators? They tend to overstimulate my Wifey or eventually numb the area intended for stimulation. We’ve found the Womanizer really helps. I uses gentle pulsing suction and gives good reliable (mostly) results. Also, have you tried OS? Maybe in conjunction with G-spot stimulation? Just throwing out some ideas.
I am trying to figure out what you are describing… are you basically saying that you have used a hand, under you, to stimulate the clitoris? And your weight gives the pressure needed to be stimulated? Please correct me where I am off. Also, what is your husband doing during this? Is this during PIV?
If I am close to understanding your circumstance, have you tried other objects, not anything that vibrates but just something to put the right pressure for you to rub/grind against? I have used small pillows (it’s kind of like grinding on a leg). What about a silicone dildo, it’s soft enough to have flexibility like flesh, but rigid enough it won’t just mold and disappear. The shape would also allow it to stimulate a longer range, versus a small ball.
I’m not sure how to reply to specific comments. Yes we did try a suction one recently(in reply to 1st comment)
In reply to 3rd comment, yes this is what’ll I mean. I have used a pillow or corner of a blanket but usually need my hand too. Unfortunately i have bursitis in my shoulder and chronic hand pain so I end up in bad shape afterwards 😞
I could try something like that if it would stay in the right position and be firm enough like a hand. Is there anything specifically you recommend? It sounds like you are familiar with this situation perhaps.
Thank you everyone for your advice so far
I really don’t have specific recommendations. My husband is our toy shopper so I am not even sure of the specifics of what we have. I would recommend for you to go to amazon, or there are several Christian sites that sell sex toys, and search “silicone dildo”, and see what different options there are. Or if you can think of any non-sex toy that would do the same thing, try that out. I wouldn’t spend too much, just in case it doesn’t work. But I would stick with something flexible, like silicone. I don’t think that hard plastic or glass would give you what you are looking for. If I think of anything else that might work, I’ll come back and share it.
The comment about your DH wanting to see a sex therapist throws me a little. I have some questions.
Are there other reasons you may not be able to O except for the way you described? I only ask this because if you are taking certain medications for, lets say hypertension or depression, this could cause difficulty in achieving orgasm. There may be other reasons as well, this one just came to mind.
How much time is spent on foreplay to really get you going?
Are the hand and bursitis issues being addressed medically?
Also, some marriage and family therapists may also have experience with sex therapy, but only advertise themselves as “marriage therapist” on their website. If DH really wants to go, you could call around to see if any in your area do have this experience.
My DW has the same problem; she has to be face down on top of a vibrator (wand type) for her to orgasm. She also gets very sensitive, and thus has to run the wand on its lowest setting. If a wand is too stimulating, you might try covering it with a sock to dampen the vibrations. Also, there is another vibrator we use from time to time called the eroscillator. Think very large toothbrush with a bunch of attachments. It is very pricey, so we waited until it was on sale. It does not vibrate like a typical toy does, but kind of moves back and forth very quickly.
Praying you have success finding a solution.
Sometimes it takes quite a while to build up manual stimulation for me. And if he knocks me off my concentration we can easily spend 30 mins to an hour to get me to climax. He is very patient, but we just have not found anything to get it done faster. A vibrator will, but ny dh doesnt want to rely on that and only uses it on occasion. Have you tried giving light touch more time or does he get too frustrated? I almost dont feel anything until I’m there. For me I want him methodical, repetitive movements, but with a vibe I like a number of slow and fast vibrations so it’s different.