Discussion: Position Intimacy
*Note: This is not a question. This thread has been created for discussion of a topic.*
Topic: Let’s discuss the emotional aspects of various sexual positions. This includes intimacy, vulnerability, embarrassment, shame, and other related facets. While intercourse/PIV is the primary focus, non-intercourse positions are fair game.
Okay, thought I’d try something a bit new here. On Monday’s QOTD, @SeekingChange (SC) and I got into a discussion concerning the answer @DoveGrey (DG) posted. The topic was intimacy of a certain position where DG and I had conflicting views. The discussion and previous ones on this topic have opened my mind a bit in this area, letting me see not only some benefits I’d ignored of certain positions, but also how some people see drawbacks in positions that I had not considered. That partly contributed to me starting a new poll (please go vote!)
Given that today the conversation talked about how this version of TMB is not as open to intimate discussion, I figured what better way to try to remedy than to open a discussion about the emotional plusses/minuses of certain positions. I would love to hear what other God-honoring married couples have to say in this arena. The goal is not to say what one’s favorite position is (though you’re welcome to share), and I specifically want to avoid talking about what “feels best” physically. That does not mean physical things like “we can kiss in this position” or “I can touch her vulva in this position” can’t be included though, as those can still bring emotional intimacy/closeness.
Overall, I’m hoping to get a new appreciation for some positions, a new understanding of why some people dislike certain positions, and maybe some insight into how the other gender sees things. I hope this can be an ongoing discussion where people keep adding things over time and digging into a deeper discussion. That said, to re-state the original discussion topic:
Let’s discuss the emotional aspects of various sexual positions. This includes intimacy, vulnerability, embarrassment, shame and other related facets. While intercourse/PIV is the primary focus, non-intercourse positions are fair game.
Now I’ll show my ignorance here. When I came to TMB, I was shocked at all the positions available, if thats how you want to put it. We had tried a few, but most didn’t work. We have 3 tried and true positions that work well. I believe it has to do with our angles.
More words that surprised me were these – vulnerability, emotional, connection, shameful, etc. Ok, I knew those words. But why would you have sex if you didn’t want to look in your spouse’s face? We don’t spend much time gazing into each others eyes during sex or foreplay. But I have been puzzled why you would be having sex if you had no connection, or worse yet, chose a position where you didn’t have to think about it.
When I came here, there were things I’d never thought of. I wasn’t self conscious of my rolls, loose skin, stretch marks, etc. I never thought about hiding them, nor about them being shameful. I had a poor body image, outside TMB, but DH loved my body anyways, and everything with it.
But, there was a time in our marriage, a short span, where the sex was good, but the connection wasn’t. I only caught on what it really was when reading here.
To me, all positions are good. My DH would be very hurt if he knew there was something I was choosing because it meant I didn’t have to connect with him.
I hope this isn’t an answer, Scott! I tried not to show up with answers.
Missionary is the most emotionally fulfilling position for me. Nothing speaks to me that he is covering me (even my shame) and that I am his, like that position. I see it and feel it as a physical representation to the spiritual and emotional truths of our marriage. Because feeling surrounded by him, his weight upon me, his arms beside me or around me, he hems me in and I have a feeling of safety, security, and protection, it gives me a sense of peace (a Type 6 who security and fear are a big deal). It’s a position that speaks more of “I want you”, rather than, “I want sex from you.”
I love the feel of the skin on skin basically from head to toes (well mine, since I am shorter.) His masculine hardened and rougher body next to my feminine softer and smoother body.
Also in the missionary, for us, this allows us for face to face. We can look into each others eyes, if desired. Being near my face, neck and lips is connected to how emotionally connected I feel. There is actually a change in sensations when being touched or kissed when I am emotionally closed or emotionally open. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it feels like the brain and nerves are reacting differently. Here, we have the options to kiss as much as we want, and to kiss or suckle each others necks. Either of us or both, can bring our hands up to caress the face, ears, or head. His hands in my hair with a nice firm grip can add to that feeling of being hemmed in.
A wonderful benefit for us, it’s also the one position where his body naturally stimulates my clitoris, so it also makes sex physically feel the best for me.
If I am emotionally disconnected and don’t want to be vulnerable in having him too close, I will suggest positions that put him further away from my face.
The two words for us are intimacy and vulnerability. Being together and ‘one’ for decades has eliminated any embarrassment or shame. We are comfortable in our respective skin and find our bodies very attractive and delightful. Certainly, the missionary position is very intimate. Nothing surpasses the emotional connection of seeing and hearing and feeling each other’s response to our intimate abandon.
The ‘position’ we find most intimate and vulnerable is mutual masturbation. For me, having Mrs. Oldbear watch me and participate with me as we stand in front of a mirror is vulnerable for me and intimate for both of us. Watching myself in the mirror as she watches me masturbate is intensely emotional. Then, when she masturbates next to me in bed her freedom to touch herself, show her delight, and express herself as I watch is ultimately intimate for both of us as she releases her vulnerability to me.
Surprisingly to me, last night, my husband brought up how missionary and our various forms of it, have become his favorite positions 😯
I decided to probe for more detail on why. He shared that because he knows it’s my favorite and the things I like about it, he has begun to focus on those points. He has begun to focus on all the different places of our skin to skin contact and his weight on me, and he works at enhancing that.
Another reason why is because he can tell that I get more plessure from it. My pleasure is his pleasure. He started keeping notes on what we try and what works for me. That has been eye opening for him….even though I am tempted to think “well, duh.” 😉
This is a side note that brings several of my threads together…. he also said there’s been a difference since I returned from my travels a month ago. He was specifically speaking of the fact I am Oing almost every time we have sex, whereas before, I was having much more hits or misses. He is wondering if it was the absence that helped, I pointed out that it fits with us going from “more to less”, plus there was my change of attitude of “surviving to thriving”… I think it’s all working together. And, it’s bringing the enjoyment of sex, with him, back into my life.
It was all very enlightening to me…especially because this was all brought up and said by him, with no prompting from me, other than “why” after his first comment. It also supports my point of how sharing why something is our favorite or is intimate to us, can or does make a difference in the other, therefore the shared experience.
Like many things in life and relationship, sex is all about what you bring to the party. That can be good or bad, and is often a mixture of the two. Over the years I have learned that this plays into the positions chosen, or chosen against. The choices have mostly been my DW. I think this emanates from the LD/HD dynamic. The one most willing to leave the relationship is in control of it. In this case, the one least interested in sex ultimately controls it – at least in a normal, non-abusive relationship.
So I am approaching this discussion by looking at the positions my DW most avoids and thinking about why. There are a few that are just physical restrictions based on our stature and body types, so I’ll not address those.
Anything in front of a mirror: Obviously it is because she has some self consciousness about her body. So much so that even if I approach her in front of a mirror when she is fully clothed and embrace her from behind, I can feel her tense up. She has acquiesced a few times over the years, but it was never a good thing for her.
Anything where there is any remote chance of being “exposed”. The exposure is entirely up to her to define and the definition is dynamic. She needs to be in a cave, almost literally. I should have never allowed her to choose a house design with so dang many windows (even though we live in the middle of 40 acres surrounded by woods mostly and behind a gated drive) – it has been the bane of my sex life. However, now it seems she might be trying to relax just a little. But I haven’t pushed it too hard in a long time.
ANY sexual contact in the shower. She doesn’t even want me in the bathroom at the same if I can avoid it. We have a 4×4 shower with a big glass door. She has relaxed her protestations to me just being in the room over the years, but don’t you dare try to join her in the shower itself. I’ve never suggested actual intercourse in the shower, but would love to have a wet warm up. Not gonna happen. I’ve given up on this one.
Doggie: This was never her preferred position. She has said before that “she gets nothing from it.” I presume that means little physical pleasure and probably not much emotional connections. However, sex has never been an overly emotional thing for her anyway. She knows it is probably my number one preferred. So I know from over all these years that when she initiates this position, she is most likely looking to “get this over and done.” There have been a few times that I could say that she chose it in effort to specifically be pleasing to me. I try to look at it that way every time, but there are times when you can’t avoid the truth. Anytime she offers a quickie, that is most likely the position. So sometimes I find myself avoiding it because I do NOT want a quickie and I desire more emotional connection. Doggie style is an interesting one…
Anything that puts her in what she feels like is a subservient position: kneeling in front of me for OS for instance. Or “being taken” in any position. She will not be coerced into anything, certainly not sex. No, she has never been abused. Just incredibly stubborn.
So looking into all this and looking back over all these years together, it comes down to one thing – my DW cannot tolerate much, if any, vulnerability. She has her own definition of that – as some have said for instance that doggie style makes them feel vulnerable. But still, I think that is the driver, or restrictor, of our sex life. Submissiveness is also not her strong point. Quite the opposite. I think this points back to the vulnerability thing.
As for me – I agree that I enjoy just about all of the possible positions that my bones and body type will allow. Missionary is our choice 60%+ of the time. And I agree it is often the one chosen when there seems to be a particular emotional connection going on. But my two favorites are doggie – for my own personal enjoyment and pleasure as well as a feeling of dominance. And also WOT – for her pleasure. I believe pleasurable sex IS intimate sex most of the time. At least the opposite is certainly true. WOT is about the only PIV position she ever requests for herself and is about the only one she has ever been able or orgasm with. So I often suggest it in my efforts to make sex pleasing for her. Yesterday she asked for it herself. Before we went out for dinner. “I want to ride that D” was her words. “Hey, D rides are free around here…so lest go!” 😉 It was the first time in our marriage that she actually tried to stimulate her clitoris with her hand during sex. I was ecstatic and had to bite my lip to keep quiet. If I had said anything it would have ruined her mojo. I just did all I could to help her. But alas, she lost it. 🙁 It was still a good time and afterwards I joked with her “hey, since D rides are free, I guess you get what you pay for!” We got a good laugh.
I didn’t realize until now that there had been a back and forth comment thread to my reply.
I’ll clarify. We used spooning all the time during my last trimesters of pregnancy. It was the only position that worked. Whale sex is what that was.
However, outside of pregnancy, spooning tends to be our go-to if I don’t particularly want sex, or if we’re having issues outside the bedroom. Why? Because we don’t ever have to look at each other face to face during spooning. We can completely ignore each other’s emotions in that position. It makes me feel like a prostitute at the Birdcage Theater in Tombstone. Just do your job and move on.
Other positions that don’t require face to face contact, like doggy, still feel intimate to me because those positions make me feel vulnerable. He and I both know that I am rarely vulnerable outside of our bedroom. It’s a side of me that only he sees, and it would surprise other people. My giving him that gift is special, and we both know it.
But with spooning, I don’t have to be vulnerable. I don’t orgasm from it, so it tends to be only for him. I could seriously read a book while it was happening. Zero connection with him. If I ask for that position, he knows something’s wrong, that I’m agreeing to sex but don’t want a connection. The same goes if he suggests it. It’s just not the best fit for us unless we’re exhausted or sick.
Sex is all about emotions for me. The physical side is amazing, but it’s nothing without emotions. Face to face, where I can see how much he loves me, will always be better.
Sex used to be almost all about the physical for me (although since i am a woman, it’s almost “completely” impossible as it would be very hard to have it just for sex sake) because i hide myself and used to a lot w/my husband and preferred the “animal” type of sex for instance, rear entry..partly because i wasn’t into the emotional connection and shied away from missionary but also it was just raw sex although the body image issue is a huge factor in that position and i just took it to heart that my H didn’t mind all the imperfections.
Now from the awakening and TMB forum, i’m much different. Rear entry isn’t so much about the emotional disconnect now, just another erotic position and we do (standing) missionary more although it still really isn’t about intimacy with me (the positions) but the entire act now is.
I do think it’s vastly different for women than it is for men as obviously we’re emotionally different and much more physically vulnerable in addition to being saddled with image issues
I heard this from one husband years ago, and though my husband has not said it, my mind will go to those words to help me overcome my self-conscious, “I want to hide”, negative thinking. Maybe this isn’t true for all husbands/men, but it does me good to hope and believe there’s a truth to it for my own husband, even if he isn’t fully aware of it.
The comment was around the movement of our body, in any position, and the message it gave. It was specifically speaking of the “extras” we may have… those parts (like a stomach, saggier breasts, extra fat, extra skin, etc) that we women are keenly aware of, that we see as flaws and may even hate, so we want to hide it and camouflage it. But are vulnerably exposed in intimate acts, and we can see and feel those parts move up and down, and to some wives (I would even say many), it feels shameful, it’s like a flag of our shame and embarrassment being waved in front of another, on full display. And we want to hide our shame or even die on the spot.
Those represent a “real woman”, to some men. When seeing them move, under the influence and power of the man’s thrust, spoke “I am man. She is mine.” There was a sense of power, along with tenderness. He has the power to bring pleasure to her, to literally move her, but the physical represented the emotional and spiritual as well, and there is a tenderness that she is his to care for and love. He didn’t see shame, he saw beauty. Not just any beauty, his beauty.
Knowing a man can feel that way, has helped me more than once, to not “hide”, to not try to cover what I feel is shameful, and to carry an attitude that all of me is his. And it keeps me much more open and free to morph into any position for his sake of pleasure and enjoyment.
Rear entry feels very raw and sometimes quite animalistic, especially over the bed or chair. Besides feeling good to my wife, she enjoys the feeling of being taken and maybe a little “submissive” to me. I also love the strength of grabbing her hips or shoulders or even turning her head and making her look at me.
I enjoy many of the face-to-face positions because we can look at each other. This also includes the “7th garden” which allows for the emotional intimacy of looking at each other. touching her, all while more of a rear entry position for us.
I also enjoy OS in a chair with one on their knees so we can look deep into each other’s eyes.
One thing that occurs to me in thinking about this (particularly the words vulnerability and shame) is that my body feels different in different positions. When I am “posed” (or arranged for activity) in a way that feels sexy to me I am not distracted by thinking I can’t possibly be appealing to him. When my overly generous parts are squished all together or putting pressure on my breathing or my neck is all congested and inaccessible by bending forward instead of stretched like a swan backward and ready for kissing, I just feel like a frump instead of a siren.