Discussion: Position Intimacy
*Note: This is not a question. This thread has been created for discussion of a topic.*
Topic: Let’s discuss the emotional aspects of various sexual positions. This includes intimacy, vulnerability, embarrassment, shame, and other related facets. While intercourse/PIV is the primary focus, non-intercourse positions are fair game.
Okay, thought I’d try something a bit new here. On Monday’s QOTD, @SeekingChange (SC) and I got into a discussion concerning the answer @DoveGrey (DG) posted. The topic was intimacy of a certain position where DG and I had conflicting views. The discussion and previous ones on this topic have opened my mind a bit in this area, letting me see not only some benefits I’d ignored of certain positions, but also how some people see drawbacks in positions that I had not considered. That partly contributed to me starting a new poll (please go vote!)
Given that today the conversation talked about how this version of TMB is not as open to intimate discussion, I figured what better way to try to remedy than to open a discussion about the emotional plusses/minuses of certain positions. I would love to hear what other God-honoring married couples have to say in this arena. The goal is not to say what one’s favorite position is (though you’re welcome to share), and I specifically want to avoid talking about what “feels best” physically. That does not mean physical things like “we can kiss in this position” or “I can touch her vulva in this position” can’t be included though, as those can still bring emotional intimacy/closeness.
Overall, I’m hoping to get a new appreciation for some positions, a new understanding of why some people dislike certain positions, and maybe some insight into how the other gender sees things. I hope this can be an ongoing discussion where people keep adding things over time and digging into a deeper discussion. That said, to re-state the original discussion topic:
Let’s discuss the emotional aspects of various sexual positions. This includes intimacy, vulnerability, embarrassment, shame and other related facets. While intercourse/PIV is the primary focus, non-intercourse positions are fair game.
Missionary is the most emotionally fulfilling/intimate position for DW and I. SC pretty much is spot on in her comments regarding this position. The full-body contact that this position affords is hard to beat.
The main drawback for me is she cannot have an O from PIV. So, the position we use when she is using a vibrator on herself is also very intimate for us. This position has DW laying on her stomach with a wand toy applied to her clitoris. I am laying next to her, typically with my near leg entwined with her so as to increase our bodily contact. I can massage her butt, tickle her back, and stoke her genitals as she is focusing on the sensations from her vibrator. If PIV is not on the table, she will use her near hand to stroke my penis and if we choose to we can both experience orgasm at the same time. Although not as intimate as PIV, it is the only way we can have a simultaneous O and I find this very, very emotionally satisfying.
SPOONING (see link)
So here’s my take on spooning, largely taken from my comment on Monday’s QOTD, but with some change in formatting and additional content:
- With a pregnant DW, spooning is great for not just comfort, but also the intimacy of the DH placing his hand on her pregnant belly for a unique shared experience.
- It allows for easier caressing/stroking of her neck/breasts/stomach/vulva/thighs than we can achieve in any other position we’ve tried, and there’s also good access to her shoulders and back. Basically, anything from the knee up is easy to touch for the DH (note: we are equal-height spouses, so YMMV).
- Permits easy holding of the DW by the DH when she O’s (or doesn’t).
- Very easy for the DH to smell the DW’s hair!
- With a bit of effort, can allow for some kissing
- Excellent visual that is underrated. (This is one where a picture could be taken without showing much if it was seen by others. Have the DW lay on her side with sheets/blankets covering her lower half and have DH snap a picture and show her–there’s a reason that women on their sides from behind are often shown in movies, etc)
- DH can get one arm “around” DW with almost no effort (no getting hands/arms between DW’s body and the mattress like in missionary)
- Massive amounts of skin-on-skin contact
- Can still get that submissive/taken feel by having DH grab one or both of DW’s shoulders and starting going hard
- This position, more than any we’ve tried, is a position that we frequently do non-sexually. Sure, spooning in bed for snuggling/sleep, but even a similar position standing where I can come up from behind, give her a hug and maybe another type of squeeze, and also a kiss. I love being able to tie the non-sexual position to the sexual one…can’t do that with many other positions!
- Little/no eye contact
- Unless there is a ceiling mirror, the DW gets little/no visual (a mirror in front of her would only result in her seeing herself)
- Most of the emotional “positives” listed above are for the DH
One final thought on this is that many DW’s love to be spooned when cuddling/going to bed/etc. They find it intimate and close at that time. So why don’t they find this position more acceptable/intimate for sex?
Honestly we don’t do this position much anymore, but after writing this, maybe we should change that!
p.s. – thanks everyone for participating in this discussion. Was quite busy yesterday, but hope to respond and contribute more to this discussion soon!
Re: @Brynna and @Scotts comments:
““We don’t spend much time gazing into each others eyes during sex or foreplay. But I have been puzzled why you would be having sex if you had no connection, or worse yet, chose a position where you didn’t have to think about it.”
I agree with you here, and I hope to hear others here talk about why they would do this. ”
A few thoughts:
- For me, much of it was wrapped around shedding oneself of selfishness, to give and to love, no matter how one feels or how another acts or behaves.
- Not to be a sexual refuser.
- To be a person who keeps their word.
- Certain teachings around 1 Cor. 7 can feed that dynamic as well.
There’s a delicate balance to find between not letting your selfishness be what directs you, and not feeding another’s selfishness.
I think I forgot I had just given this a quick ‘first thoughts’ comment and then went away to ponder but forgot to come back to it!
For me the level of intimacy I experience has a lot more to do with–it sounds weird, but this is the metaphor that came to me: with how far we pull off the highway. I don’t mean literally; we’ve actually never had car sex, but it’s on my fantasy list. What I mean is that sometimes we are anticipating all evening, super in-tune with each other, flirting and playing and it all culminates with 45 minutes or so of playing with and enjoying each others’ bodies on our bed. That’s pulling into a parking space somewhere and settling in. Other times, we just don’t have time or energy for all that, so we pull off to the side and do the things we know get results in a way that I suspect is deep down a bit like a checklist so that we can not stay up too late and still get a few hours of sleep. (Still other times, we are so busy that I know there’s no way we have time to get me there but I want to keep DH’s pump primed, so that’s going through the drive-thru.)
You know, when I started that metaphor, I thought I was going to say the parking spot sex was the most intimate and drive-thru is not, but that’s really not true, or not the only truth. I think it has everything to do with how connected we stay while we are speeding down the road. Right now, life is flying pretty fast, but a recent drive-by event felt quite intimate because he is the only one who has the…well, to belabor a metaphor…the key to my garage. It felt a little illicit because we were sneaking it in when he was supposed to be scrambling around to get out the door, but it’s a unique privilege available only to him. He always feels guilty about quickies, and I wish he wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to ONLY have quickies, but I don’t hate them. Sex, no matter how quick, is the special spouse-only connection that elevates the partner-friend-roommate-family connection. It reminds me we are uniquely bound to each other and both satisfies and makes me want more.
The same principle applies to positions. We have a handful of standbys, with missionary at the top. There are different flavors of intimacy to each one, but I don’t find that any make me feel disconnected. I can tell he has greatly increased pleasure and feelings of potency and virility from rear entry and I like for him to feel that way, so presenting myself in vulnerability to him for that domination makes me feel bonded to my alpha male. He also seems to feel a greater need to hold and touch me after rear entry, so maybe since my craving is to be held and touched, I have come to associate the rear entry with leading to what I want. Even reverse cowgirl feels intimate because I often lean down to nuzzle and appreciate the soft skin of his ankles and the tops of his feet and that is a non-sexual part of his body that is all mine; no one else touches it. But there’ nothing like missionary for that feeling of being staked as a claim. Like a flag has been planted and now I belong to him. (Again.) That is and always has been the moment of becoming one flesh the Bible speaks of for me. It’s there in rear-entry and WOT, just not nearly as vivid.
My wife sometimes asks how I feel emotionally and physically during PIV. I don’t know how to fully describe how I feel. Suffice it to say that no place feels more like home than DW’s vagina.
We first made love in this position and it is definitely the most intimate. Looking into each others eyes, the skin to skin contact, the kissing, etc. all contribute to a great closeness and security that is hard to describe.
Unfortunately we don’t really engage in this position anymore as the way our bodies fit together greatly increases the chance of another penile injury.
WOMAN ON TOP:
When DW engages in WOT it is a sure sign that she is really feeling sexual. The emotional and physical rewards of knowing she desires sex are wonderful. Her taking control is very alluring. Having sex not be all on me to perform is relaxing.
Also the view is just amazing. Her body is the most open to me visually in this position. Getting “all of her” in this way creates a deep emotional attachment.
What can I say? It’s my fave. It’s a complete surrender of her body to me. It signals vulnerability and trust on her part.
It also is an expression of my desire as a loving husband. Everytime we make love in this position it feels as if I have claimed her for my own. She’s mine and no one else’s.
Sorry to start a “discussion” thread and then not participate much…been a busy week. I’ll be trying to respond to any “answers” of interest to me, but it does take time and this thread is supposed to be targeted for the “long game”, so they may be slow coming. I’ll start with parts of @Brynna’s response:
“When I came to TMB, I was shocked at all the positions available, if thats how you want to put it.”
I wouldn’t say we were shocked, because we knew plenty of things were out there, but I think I was more surprised at what other people were actually doing. CFSP is a bit over the top on their “number” though…I really feel like it’s maybe a dozen positions that just then have a bunch of small variations. I realize those small variations can sometimes make a huge difference in pleasure, but I still don’t count them as 260 separate positions. 🙄
“We have 3 tried and true positions that work well. I believe it has to do with our angles.”
We do a bit more than that, but just barely. There’s really only 2 positions that work to get Zelda an O (even with the vibe added), and one of those seems far superior to the others and I deem our “go to” position. Interestingly, it was the most pleasurable position for her before the addition of the vibe and her becoming orgasmic. She once said (shortly before we added the vibe into the mix) that she “would be okay with just having sex in [favorite position] all the time”. The other position works in several variants and was actually the first one she O’d in. But it’s just not as reliable…we sometimes start there but then move to “go to”.
“More words that surprised me were these – vulnerability, emotional, connection, shameful, etc. Ok, I knew those words. But why would you have sex if you didn’t want to look in your spouse’s face?”
It’s not about not wanting to look into your spouse’s face–it’s just that one (or both) might receive very little sexual pleasure in face-to-face positions. Our “go-to” position allows little/no looking into each others’ faces for instance. This is not ideal, but there are other types of intimacy (which are different) that are gained.
As far as the word “vulnerability”, there is a big connection and different type of intimacy that can be gained from being vulnerable. I recently did a strip tease (to music) for Zelda, which was really putting myself out there. But in the end, it brought us closer together. Now “shameful” is something I don’t understand, but others have mentioned it in the past.
“We don’t spend much time gazing into each others eyes during sex or foreplay. But I have been puzzled why you would be having sex if you had no connection, or worse yet, chose a position where you didn’t have to think about it.”
I agree with you here, and I hope to hear others here talk about why they would do this. My only experience with this is having sex with Zelda shortly after viewing porn, which was awful for me mentally.
“When I came here, there were things I’d never thought of. I wasn’t self conscious of my rolls, loose skin, stretch marks, etc. I never thought about hiding them, nor about them being shameful. I had a poor body image, outside TMB, but DH loved my body anyways, and everything with it.”
This is great to hear. I wish more women (and men for that matter) thought that way. However, one can’t force a mental state. I myself fight all sorts of self-conscious things like “I can’t pleasure her well enough”, “why would she want someone with a face like mine”, and the typical male “I’m not big/hard enough”. Thinking of these tends to hurt my performance, kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy!
“To me, all positions are good. My DH would be very hurt if he knew there was something I was choosing because it meant I didn’t have to connect with him.”
“I hope this isn’t an answer, Scott! I tried not to show up with answers.”
You did a great job…don’t be questioning yourself or your execution!
Great to hear your husband say that about missionary. I think for a lot of us husbands, our favorite positions end up being what works the best for our DW. We’re wired to want to please our wives, I think in part because sex is sort of a love language for us. Also, for most of us, O’ing is extremely easy and fast if we want it to be, so we can use a variety of options if we need to O after the DW gets one (though I realize that for the “one and completely done” DW’s out there, it can be a bit more difficult DH to get this.
I try not to share too much about our MB (specific dates and positions particularly), but I’ll make an exception this time. Last night for us, I opted to just start us in missionary for a minute before switching to the vibe and our go-to position. The end result was that Zelda got pleasure quickly and easily, including an O with no getting stuck on a plateau, which certainly doesn’t happen all the time, particularly in this phase of her cycle. Makes me wonder if it was the minute or so of intimacy-oriented sex. May have also been the long naked-time chat we had prior to physical stuff, which we’ve been neglecting lately. Was it one, the other, both, or neither? Not sure, but has me thinking that just jumping into the vibe+go-to position may be the best physically at the start for her, but not the best overall.
Thanks for sharing,