Do you use tools or tests to help understand yourself &/or your spouse better?
How have they been helpful? Which ones have you used?
Different tests I can think of:
- 5 Love Languages (how you feel and show love)
- Jung, Myers Briggs personality type (16 main types)
- Enneagrams (9 types)
- Love Styles (rooted from childhood and how we learn to cope)
** BONUS, if you desire, share your results, and the dynamic in your marriage.
DH and I have both read “The Five Love Languages” and have both done the quiz. It was a good eye opener.
As for personality books, the one that I could actually identify with is “Colorful Personalities”, by George J. Boelcke. When I read that book, I realized I wasn’t as strange as I thought I was. I really thought no one else was like me. Than I read that book and discovered there was an actual personality like mine and even its own color! I could never identify with the other personality books I read. DH’s color is the least common in men and mine is the least common in women. After identifying my color, which was totally obvious, I no longer stressed out about some funny quirks I had. Lol DH doesn’t either. Our personalities are vastly different, but at least we understand each other!
DH doesn’t read or research. (Its his personality, LOL)
I have always enjoyed discovering more about myself and understanding myself better. After always feeling like an outsider and different my whole life (more typical of a man’s personality), it’s been comforting to know that I am normal enough that others can peg things about me. A side benefit is understanding my husband and others better. My husband on the other hand, has ZERO interest in anything like this.
We do tend to be complete opposites, which can be discouraging. I guess it just keeps the heat of the Refiner’s Fire turned up 😉
Our results/dynamic: Mine – His
Love Languages: #1 Gifts, #5 Physical Touch – #1 Physical Touch, #5 Gifts
J, MB: ISTJ – ENFP
Enneagrams: Type 6/w5 – Type 3w2 (The first testing that shows some overlapping in our personality, because of the sexure and stress points.)
Love Styles: Avoider – not sure, I haven’t made him test this 🙂
There are also spiritual gifings we have tested.
I am also very self-reflective and analytical and am always trying to understand the “Why?” of anything better. Hubby…not at all.
We both did personality tests back in high school, but I don’t remember my results (or even what the choices were.) I made him do the Love Languages test; My highest is words and touch, lowest is acts of service. His highest is acts of service and lowest is words. I think touch might be his second; I can’t remember right now.
We have also done spiritual gifts surveys and are somewhat different. It’s been a while, so I don’t remember exactly what our results were.
Basically everything I study and my own observation tell me that we are very different in how we think and feel. I joke with him that he is like Dory–Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming… I’m more DorA…I want to know EVERYTHING. 😀
@Brynna, I have never heard of that book or these colors. I remember how freeing it was when I just started learning about introverts vs extrovert. It explained sooo much of why I was like I was, and I was actually “normal”. This has only been in the past 7 years, mainly since I found TMB. Can you imagine, going 38 years feeling like an outsider, an oddball, and abnormal… meaning questioning one’s purpose and that maybe God did make a mistake, just because we don’t understand ourselves and the basic makeup and variations of human beings.
We embrace our respective love languages: Mrs. Oldbear – Acts of Service Oldbear – Words of Encouragement/Touch. Filling her car with gasoline is greatly appreciated!
We also pay attention to our StrengthsFinders – they are used to understand why and how we think and they are important to how we complement each other. For example, Mrs. Oldbear has Responsibility and a strength of mine is Relator. That combo makes us a dynamic duo when providing hospitality.
We did PREPARE/ENRICH before we got engaged. It is a scientifically based assessment on relationships with the questions catered to the kind of relationship you’re in (married, dating, living together, over 50, 2nd marriage, kids, etc). Over 225 questions that compares/measures satisfaction levels in 12 relationship categories and gives objective, personalized insights into relationship dynamics, commitment levels, personality, spiritual beliefs, and family systems. You have to go to a facilitator for results or you can do their COUPLES CHECKUP which has a few less questions and gives immediate feedback/results. Because it showed us so compatible in values, we continued, got engaged and then married.
We’ve also done the love languages and Myers-Briggs.
I found this article on the Gospel Coalition website to be helpful:
It suggests that Myers-Briggs is unreliable because up to 50% of people who take the test more than once get different results. Enneagrams have questionable history and reliability which makes me wary of them, although the chances are it’s a passing fad that’s mostly non-harmful.
My daughter was the one who got our family into personality tests and the longer explanations on the MyersBriggs site really helped us to understand each other in the family.
The one that BLEW US AWAY was the apology language test! https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/
When we took it and began discussing the results, this happened: The scenario we discussed was a family coming over to visit and their child knocking over a lamp and breaking it.
Me – I want that child to come over, look me in the face and say “I’m sorry.” When I did the survey, the only answers that mattered were the ones where the person spoke those words…I’m sorry.
Daughter – That doesn’t matter to me at all…I want them to assure me that this won’t happen again the next time they come to visit!
Son – I don’t see why their words matter. Who is going to pay for that lamp?!?
Hubby – You’re all wrong! The only thing that matters biblically is forgiveness!!! That child must ask for forgiveness!!!
As we each expressed our very strong opinions (we scored SUPER high on our one style of apology…not at all balanced!) and voices were getting louder and louder until finally we began to laugh! We were proving the book/concept by the fact that NONE OF US could even begin to understand why the other person would want that kind of apology!!! Those other styles meant NOTHING TO US!!!
It was then that I realized I had spent 25 years of marriage saying, “I’m sorry, honey. I’m so very sorry!” and my husband struggled to accept my apology for wrongs I had done. I believed he was a cold hearted person who struggled to forgive but that was NOT the case!!! As soon as I realized his apology language I began saying, “I’m so sorry, honey, would you please forgive me?” and INSTANTLY he was able to accept my apology! I was so thankful to have found the secret but also devastated that it took me 25 years to figure it out!