Does anyone suffers from fantasies.

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    I just wonder if anyone else suffers from sexual fantasies. Normally I keep a strong bridle on my thought life but sometimes when DW is out I will go for a long walk and I can get these powerful sexual fantasies that are so real to the point of even smelling the perfume of a fantasy woman. The thing is this time I had been very busy in spiritual work, door to door, evangelism on the street and this morning a nearly three hour intercession p meeting. I thought I needed a break to unwind but with that I often get a sexual fantasy. I usually resist them but sometimes they are so powerful and know my weaknesses inside out. I don’t watch porn and things like that. I was really enjoying unwinding and now this.

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      @Raymond,  The Fantasy Fallacy is a book that has helped with this.  Here’s some of the description of the book, you can read more at the link:

      “Many are looking to sexual and emotional fantasies as avenues to fulfillment.
      Our fantasies, however, are not reliable guides into the future―they are actually rocky road maps from our past. Best-selling author Shannon Ethridge theorizes, “Fantasies are simply the brain’s way of trying to heal itself from unresolved tragedies and traumas. We mentally compartmentalize our pain to make room for pleasure.”

      Fantasies have deep psychological roots, and if acted on many of them can do deep psychological damage. Rather than let fantasies rule us, let’s take out the sting and bring them under God’s rule, allowing the Lord to heal us from the brokenness and insecurities that cause inappropriate fantasies to haunt us.”

       

      I absolutely believe that if you seek the Lord, the Spirit will be faithful to reveal what’s going on, and He will give you the guidance, the strength and the empowerment to overcome it.

      From my time around TMB, I have noticed that many fantasies are rooted in a need to feel worthy, wanted, desired, chosen and/or known.   For example, forced fantasies can be about wanting to be seen, chosen and desired.

      Under the stars Answered on September 18, 2020.

      Thank you SC. I will bring that particular fantasy to the Lord and ask Him for insight. I was bought up in different orphanages and sexually molested for about a year by a so called housefather who was a homosexual. I never have fantasies about that as it is repellant. This fantasy was about a fantasy housemother in that place that never really existed.  I won’t go any further, but I will pray as you say.

      I have read the book you suggest looking for answers. It might mean that I continue to resist although this one got through and I rather indulged it a bit.

      on September 18, 2020.
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        I have. My fantasies used to make me feel quite deviant and shameful. The thing that freed me from that, was digging and finding the root behind it. If we can understand what our true underlying need is, we can address that, and the fantasies lose their power.

        I have used this metaphor before…. trying to rid the yard of the weeds by picking the dandelion flower, may make it look greener for the moment, but we all know it didn’t take care of the weed, and it will be back with 10 of its friends. Dig it up by the root.

        Under the stars Answered on September 18, 2020.

        How does one get to understand our true underlying need? Maybe that is something I can pray about. I think you are right. There is a need there somewhere which can captivate me. Thank you for your comments Seeking change.

        on September 18, 2020.
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          If it’s your own wife, that’s fine.  Enjoy.  Maybe try to reenact later if appropriate.  If it’s someone else, that’s not good.  Can you direct your fantasy to be about your wife and think about that?  If it helps, remember her when you first married her at the best you’ve ever seen her.

          Smelling perfume in a fantasy?  That real?  That sounds almost like a vision, not a fantasy.  I can’t imagine pictures that real.  Even my dreams don’t usually look that real.   They might get up to the level of moving Renaissance paintings.

          California King Answered on September 18, 2020.

          It is not really about my wife. It is about something which will never happen. Something I can imagine that could have happened in my childhood but didn’t.  I am happily married but sometimes these fantasies just happen even though they are illogical.

          on September 18, 2020.
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            It is not really about my wife. It is about something which will never happen. Something I can imagine that could have happened in my childhood but didn’t.  I am happily married but sometimes these fantasies just happen even though they are illogical.

            Double bed Answered on September 18, 2020.

            Swap out “wife” for “husband”, and I could have written this myself.  I have no clue if your thought process follows mine.  Or if your fantasy would be anything similar to mine that I struggled so deeply with, but this is what I know….

            1. We know it’s wrong.  We can even be appalled at ourselves for even having them.  It’s why we seek help in dealing with them. So, people telling us it’s wrong, that doesn’t help at all.
            2. In my fantasy, that could fit in your very words, the root was a need to be seen, to be chosen and wanted.  (Maybe it was because I was a middle child 😉 and I grew up in a home that wasn’t very affectionate.)
            3. When I start thinking of them, I need to look at what’s going on it my life that might be stirring those feelings up.  For example, if my husband is busy and choosing others/work over me, those fantasies will more likely come to mind and I will more likely face that temptation/struggle.
            4. A healthy way to deal with it, is try to figure out ways that your spouse can fulfill that need, in a God and marriage honoring way.
            on September 18, 2020.

            Thank you for your interest Seeking Change.  My wife does meet the need in a way but I cannot expect her to meet a desire that is not right. I generally am successful in resisting unclean thoughts but today I was unsuccessful as it seemed so real and powerful. I think the thoughts are from the child within me where certain needs were never met. I know it is from the enemy but it can be so enticing. He knows exactly where the weaknesses are. Logically it does not make sense. It appears that if you block one temptation it comes back in a different form in another way.  I was especially relaxed this afternoon enjoying the sun and walk in the woods on my own, my wife out for about five hours. I have to remember that these relaxed enjoyable times can be vulnerable times for a fantasy to surface. I thought of role playing the fantasy with my wife but that would be immoral because of what the fantasy is.

            on September 18, 2020.
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              Well as said above, sexual fantasies with your wife are supposed to be ok.

              Sexual fantasies with other women is not ok. When I had my other job, I often had specific attractive women from accounts I worked in daily and yet I always tried to keep my thoughts strictly business. I know that they were drawn to me because they felt that I was a successful, mature, and masculine man from what they saw. I know that for some of them I could have met privately with them but I had told them too much about my wife and kids so any fantasy I could think up had to include an explanation to them IF I was to meet up with them.

              The gym has several attractive women all the time. However, get real. I’m an old man…well…a fit old man.

              California King Answered on September 18, 2020.
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                I used to get that especially in swimming pools in the showers which were mixed. One girl exposed herself to me where I was shaken and tempted and even flattered but nothing further. I had to pray a lot to get rid of that incident in my mind and remember that I was happily married. I go to another pool now where the showers are mixed but open on the side of the pool. The other had curtains on it in a passage. I am an old man as well but very fit and luckily girls don’t look at me so much although I had one on the bus recently who sat in front of me with a bare midriff and kept turning around looking into my eyes. I looked back into her eyes questionally asking what is going on where she looked away for a time. Vary flattering again. Luckily my stop came up and I virtually fled. I am very careful now as purity is very important. The way a man usually falls is through the three G’s. Gold, Glory and Girls.

                Double bed Answered on September 18, 2020.
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