Does, or has, anyone else do(ne) what we call “exploration” or “play” time?

    For us, this “exploration” or “play” time, is where I give my husband free reign to do just that, he gets to explore and play with me sexually, typically its a focus on my sexual organs rather then sex in general (positions, etc).   All I have to do is lay back, relax, receive, and usually enjoy.

    This has consisted of him just using his senses and getting a close up chance to really explore the vulva…the look, the feel, the taste,  the way it responds, watching the changes in the process of arousal,  etc.  It’s kind of about curiosity and the science behind things (how it works) more than the “emotional connection.”  Although, anytime one becomes so vulnerable, emotions and intimacy are involved.  As mentioned in another thread, he actually brings out some flood lights so he can see well.

    He will often bring out all the different toys and try different ones out at different times.  He explores how different textures and temperatures and such feel to me, externally and internally.  He has tried to see how many times he can make me orgasm. (This is a rare time I don’t try to hold off for my typical “one and done”.)  For us, we aren’t adverse to AP/AS, so that is always a possibility.  This has been a great time where we explored multiple orgasms, the g-spot, fisting, new toys, and probably other things I am not recalling at the moment.


    Tips from my POV:

    For the husband, or giver,

    • Have no expectations of your wife (or receiving spouse), other than to lay back and relax.

    • If she is freshly washed, she will eliminate, or ease, some concerns, around cleanliness, smell, taste, etc.

    • Allow plenty of time, an hour, two, or three. Therefore don’t do it on a time crunch ,or when either is exhausted. Go to “bed” early on a weekend night.  Also, have a time-frame. You don’t want your wife fearing that there is no end in sight.

    • Have everything that you might need, right there….. lube, toys, towels or wipes to clean her up, everything for the “set up”, mentioned below.

    Verbally remind her throughout the process that all she has to do is relax and try to enjoy. Also reaffirm to her, that you are loving her, what you are seeing, and this time with her. Reassure her that  if anything unexpected happens, it doesn’t bother you. (“Unexpected” such as natural bodily functions &/or fluids, sounds, urine, FE, etc.) IF the unexpected happens, reassure her again that all is good and it doesn’t bother you, and if it’s something you actually liked, let her know that as well.

    • Consider that she may do much better if her face is hidden.  I personally prefer to get my top half under the covers, it keeps me warm, it shields my eyes from the bright light, it helps me to focus on the sensations, it heightens my sense of feel, plus I don’t have to be self-conscious of him watching my expressions. It helps remove those expectations I feel he may have, it allows me to relax even more.

    Create the setting, so that she can relax:

    1.  Make sure she is comfy.  Use pillows to prop her legs up, so that there isn’t strain on joints or muscles, and so that her muscles don’t become fatigued from having to hold a certain position. (Liberator pieces or wedges might be handy.)
    2. Use towels or some type of protection for the furniture under her. Bodily fluids are often a concern, and if she has to worry about something getting ruined, she won’t relax. Older women, especially the more kids she has had, can have leaky bladders. It’s a potential embarrassment for her and can be a huge concern.  Another example, g-spot stimulation can make one feel she needs to pee, a woman has to push through that, and to do so, can make her worry she will accidentally pee, she won’t push through if she knows there isn’t a safe guard.
    3. Consider her temperature. If the rooms cool, and you know she will be cold, cover her upper half with a blanket, use leg warmers or fuzzy socks to keep her lower half warm.  If it’s warm, use a fan.
    4. Think of sound.  Play some music, or for some of us, white noise is better because lyrics can be quite distracting .  The benefit to white noise or music is, it blocks out other noises, which can make a moms mind immediately go to concern of what’s going on outside of the room, it also helps remove the awkwardness of silence.  When things are completely silent our fears and doubts get all the louder in our mind. It also seems to make every other noise happening with the activity seem all the louder, which makes us worry others will hear.

    Have a conversation afterwards about the experience, maybe while cuddling. Was there things she liked or didn’t like? What were her thoughts and feelings during it?  What were your thoughts and feelings during it? Did you have some awe inspiring moments at what you were seeing or feeling?


    For the wife, or receiver,

    Other than the tips you can glean from above…

    1. Choose to trust your husband, in what he says and with what he will do.
    2. Be willing to let him explore things you have never explored before.
    3. If something is physically uncomfortable or hurts, be willing to speak up, but also be willing to keep quiet if it’s something you know won’t cause damage and you can work through the uncomfortable or slightly painful feelings.
    4. Relax, breathe, take steps to keep your mind focused on the present and on the sensations, so that you can enjoy.
    5. If you need something, say something, but be intentional not to put a damper on the fun.  From what I can tell, no matter how many times a wife opens herself up this way, it’s a treasure to her husband, and we don’t want to taint or rob him of this gift by our (bad) attitude.
    6. Be blessed by it.
    7. Share with him what you are enjoying or what you enjoyed.
    8. Again, trust and relax.


    Do you have more tips? Please share them with us!

    Under the stars Asked on August 28, 2019 in Activities & Items .
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      @Elevation.  Thanks for the link, I don’t recall ever knowing what that was.  This does seem very similar with a few exceptions.  It seems this may be a pre-step to “pleasure mapping”.  This might be a good first step to it, because, if your wife is coming out of (or in) a resistance or a gatekeeping mindset, what I am talking about seems like it’s a lot less pressure on her, and it could provide a great transition time for her to change her thinking and ways.   I would thinking experiencing some things, might open the door to the actual communication required for pleasure mapping….but I could be wrong.

      One thing that seemed to be lacking in that link, but granted I could have missed it in my quick read through, but I think it’s a very importand and key factor for all men and women to remember, is a woman’s body can change from day to day, from one experience to the next.  The hormomal and body changes from a normal menstrual cycle has an effect on the physical responsiveness of a woman.  The same act can feel A-Mazing on day 14 of her cycle, and she can feel nothing with the same act on day 24. And if she is perimenopausal, and there is no rhyme or reason to her hormones, it could be even crazier and more sporadic.  So, a one-time, or a few-times,  pleasure mapping could totally short change both of your experiences.  One of the biggest eye-opener for me was having sex frequent enough, for long enough, to realize how sex and my body was different at different times of the month.


      Sis, how would you create a safe environment to even explore pleasure mapping?  As a woman, what can we as men say to bring the subject up?

      If you can get your wife to go along with this “exploration night”, where she can just lay back and enjoy, I think you will be on your way to “pleasure mapping”.  Again, I stress not to put any expectations on her, except to relax and basically “to feel”, while the other is requiring her to really pay attention and then to communicate.  It’s a job for her to do, rather than a time to lay back and enjoy.   The communicating afterwards will help build the pathways to communication during a pleasure mapping.

      As to bringing up the subject, I say be simple and to the point, but also do it in a way that you aren’t expecting the answer immediately, but allows her time to process through the idea.  “Dear, I would like to do a night of exploration sometime in the future, all you have to do is lay back, relax, and  to feel or try to enjoy as I explore the beauty of your [vulva, or your personal reference to it].  Think about it and after you do so, let me know your thoughts.”  If you see you are having an immediate positive result, continue the conversation and figure out a time.  If you have any hint that she is moving into the defense (which will highly be likely), immediately shut down any negative initial reactions by speaking up first, “I am not asking for an answer now, I want you to take time to think about it first.” and move on to something else.  After a few days or a week,  bring it up again…I personally practice and suggest, praying and asking the Spirit to present the right time for it. Then keep your eyes open and be ready to take that step when it presents itself.

      Under the stars Answered on August 28, 2019.
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        Thank you SC for this great resource!

        Have we done play time? Yes, but not on the Olympic level that you have! 😉

        No tips now, but rather hats off to you for giving yourself and your time so freely to your DH for this.

        Under the stars Answered on August 28, 2019.

        We haven’t done it for quite some time, so no need to take your hat off 😉

        on August 28, 2019.
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          We HAVE done this but, like One_woman_man said.. you take it to olympic levels.. that I WILL be copying.  We both enjoy this.  I’m definitely going to make a version of this happen in the near future.

          @seeking  how often do you do this?

          Has either of you seen new or changes in responses to things?

          Queen bed Answered on August 28, 2019.
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            I am saving this…this reminds me of what is called “pleasure mapping”


            Sis, how would you create a safe environment to even explore pleasure mapping?  As a woman, what can we as men say to bring the subject up?

            Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 28, 2019.
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              @HerHis, I hope you do get to do this more often. I also hope you, and others, realize that we have never done everything all in one setting.  Each time is different, and that’s where the collection of all the variety comes.

              Now to answer your specific quesions:

              How often do you do this?

              We actually haven’t done it for a few years.  First, my husband had no interest in it because of his low T, therefore low sex drive and desire. Which led to other issues relationally (neglect, a form of abandonment.) Now, we are working at fixing what got broken, healing what got wounded, in those years of bad choices.  He has expressed interest in it again, but I haven’t been ready for it.  I guess I need to take my own advice 😉

              In the years we were doing it, I would guess these kind of specific nights happened once every 1-3 months.  We were mixing a lot of other variety in our sex life at that time as well.  It was actually a good alternative for when I was tired and he was wanting a little more adventure.


              Has either of you seen new or changes in responses to things?

              Is there something specific you are thinking of? I am not sure my mind is going to the same place you are thinking.   All those “tips” were things I learned along the way.  They were new ways I was discovering myself and how I responded, or what I needed at times.  If that doesn’t answer your question, redirect me and I will answer to the best of my ability .

              Under the stars Answered on August 28, 2019.
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                We’ve done this a bit, not to the degree you’ve described.  We don’t really have a name for it but sometimes when we have a decent chunk of time dh will bring out a bunch of our toys/food items/other household implements and experiment on me with them.  I really enjoy it, particularly because I don’t have to think or plan or do anything, and also because the initiative on his part is a turn on.  Not just initiating sex but initiating different things (I’m usually more of the researcher  experimental one of us) and his willingness to go slow and really figure out what turns me on is nice.   We don’t do it very often (or as often as I’d like) partially because when dh is stressed sex moves way down on his list of priorities (he’s working on this but it usually tends to be more in the form of quickies or things that he really enjoys) and partially just because finding that chunk of time when the kids are occupied and I’m not super tired (bedtime is not the best time for me for an extended session) is hard.  I do need to get better at pushing through “uncomfortable, or slightly painful” things because I know sometimes he’s nervous he’ll “do it wrong.”  I actually have a pretty high pain tolerance but direct stimulation of my clitoris before I’m aroused is like nails on a chalkboard for me. 

                On the floor Answered on August 29, 2019.

                You two may be sexually healthy enough, and communicative enough, trying out that “pleasure mapping”, mentioned by Elevation, might work for you.  Of course, as I said earlier, that would be work for me, and I too enjoy just laying back and experiencing just “feeling”.

                on August 29, 2019.
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                  Thanks for a great post, SC. I would love to try this with DW. I am going to have her read this post and suggest we try something iike this at least once or twice a month!

                  Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 31, 2019.

                  When you do, come back and add your own tips!

                  on August 31, 2019.
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                    I copied your how to manual and will try to carefully bring this up with DW in time.

                    Fell out of ... Answered on September 18, 2019.

                    I don’t know if it’s a “how to manual” 🙂 but they are tips from my own experience. Let us know how it goes. I am praying she will have a softened heart and be open to it, and that there is enjoyment for you both.

                    on September 18, 2019.
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                      This is super good info and needs to be used more by us as a couple and others because this is the best method for discovering what could be new and good possibilities like double bed referred to above. It will be a challenge because seldom are both partners into that amount of time and energy put into something that we are used doing in 30 minutes or less. Good project for while we are grounded right?.  I positively cannot think of anything I would rather do for 3 hours. We have used a place and the have massage table which works well for such exploration if you can figure out a way to prop her legs up so she does tire of it and doubt if they would want you two gushing on their bed plus a bed is not the best place for this. Another thing it takes energy and a few day off would be a good time to put in extra playtime. Lots of good lube would be a plus and drink lots of water so you have plenty of your own.

                      Twin bed Answered on March 28, 2020.
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                        I went to a Walmart and got that furniture-cover plastic stuff and cut off some big rectangles of it.  I put that down on the bed with a towel over it.

                        California King Answered 22 hours ago.
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