“Domestic discipline most commonly refers to as the practice of fully consensual corporal discipline between two competent adult partners in a relationship” (It’s typically not sexual in nature.)
The other day I overheard a couple talking about some things, and because of my knowledge, I knew they were talking of, or considering, domestic discipline. He was the one presenting the idea, and she was having a negative response.
Does anyone have any experience with this?
Have you ever had a desire for it, or considered it?
What are your thoughts and opinions?
How would you advise a couple considering this? Do you have Scriptural backing for your stance?
I delved into the community for a time when I first heard of it around three years ago. It’s actually how I found this board, due to the excellent article about it on TMB.
Scripture abounds on that page, although the cited verses are interpreted differently in the Christian DD community. https://themarriagebed.com/domestic-discipline/
Dh and I considered it for a brief time, but then we realized our interest was mainly sexual. DD wasn’t what we were into, it was basically play for us. We’ve since shifted our thinking on it to other bedroom pursuits.
A couple of things that bother me about it:
1. In many, although not all, cases that I saw, the interest was sexual in nature.
2. In close to all cases that I saw, there was an attitude that the wife was heavily relying on her husband for personal growth opportunities. That’s a slippery slope. I believe we are all made in God’s image, and that we all have the responsibility to grow as Christians. I do believe in complementary marriage, but there are lines that a Christian wife must draw in the sand if the husband is on the wrong path. DD in many cases doesn’t allow for that.
3. I was disturbed by the high percentage of women with abuse or mental illness in their backgrounds. It led me to believe that they were using DD as a replacement for medical / therapeutic care. In one case I saw, it absolutely was a replacement for care. It greatly saddened me, because it very clearly wasn’t working.
To each his own. Most cases that I saw were completely consensual and many were initiated by the wife. In many cases, it opened communication between both partners. I just think there are more God-honoring ways to accomplish that.
- I never heard of it before this thread but it creeps me out. Playful spanking between consenting spouses in the MB is fine, but this is much more.
- It seems to have a lot of common elements to things I hated about my parents’ relationship when I was growing up and resolved never to do/be when I could finally get out on my own, with my own wife and children. I sometimes failed but I tried to be as unlike them as I could be.
- I do believe that a husband has a God-given responsibility to lead his family and if he doesn’t or won’t, the void will be filled by someone else, almost always with bad results. But that responsibility doesn’t deem him superior to his wife, certainly not in God’s eyes. Only a fool thinks that he “should do all the thinking” or that only he can “make the rules and everyone else – especially his wife – MUST blindly follow.” If he is unwilling, timid, or marries a woman who challenges his role there will be problems and the whole family will be cursed. In that sense, he MUST be the strong one. Life is tough. We live in a fallen world and God gave men wives to be their helpmate. I don’t want to be married to a child – I want a partner, an EQUAL, who works as hard as I do for our family and strives to do the best she can, is totally trustworthy, and supports me and expresses herself honestly when she thinks I am leading us in the wrong direction. As the Negro College Fund always said, “A (wife’s) Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste” and only a foolish man and a mentally immature woman would think that is a good idea.
- Our Creator implanted a desire in wives for their (far from perfect) husbands (Gen 3:16b) as part of the curse AND He commands us (imperfect, sinfully-inclined) husbands to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it (Eph 5:25). What a heavy burden each spouse must carry in this life – burdens we can never fulfill except through both of us submitting ourselves to Christ daily and hourly. The way God created us and tasked us to live does not cheapen the marital relationship in any way. But in Googling “Domestic Discipline” I saw several links to “Christian Domestic Discipline” which I think is an oxymoron… another ploy by Satan to take what God created as good and distort and confuse to our harm.
It’s hard pass for me. No desire to AND DW gets mad at anything that feels like I’m treating her like a child due to a ghost of her past. Do I slap her butt on occasion playfully inside and outside the bedroom? Absolutely, but I think this really feels like a parent/child or dominant/sub situation and that doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’m not a fan and as I just stated, certainly not my wife.
Scriptural advice? I’d have to think more on that. I just feel it’s not healthy for the relationship and put one of them in a domineering role and elevates pain for pleasure. It seems kind of twisted and how does that help us live Phil. 2 lives and “count others better than ourselves” and “treat each other with humility”?
Col. 3:19? “Husbands, love your wives and don’t treat them harshly.”
If the roles are reversed, I see it as degrading to the masculinity of a man and not healthy in the long run emotionally for a marriage.
Faulty at the core, sinful at the worst. Would you “discipline” a delicate vessel physically? It sounds like a ridiculous justification for un-Godly propensities of dominance inspired violence. Honestly, sounds like a lot of women who had “daddy issues” and a lot of men who either had domineering mothers or unloving fathers. There is nothing about physically hitting my wife that resembles treating her like my own body or as Christ treats the church. Sounds too much like somebody trying to recreate the Handmaiden’s tale. Foolish.
There are a lot of websites and blogs dedicated to DD, so it’s not that rare. I think the appeal for both sexes is that it takes them back to a bygone era where men were in ‘control’ of their wives. While it’s not necessarily sexual, I think in many cases it is and there’s a spectrum where one end is dead serious in the practice, while the other end occasionally dabbles in it as role play. I seem to remember plenty of wives here (at least on the previous forum) who enjoyed being spanked as part of foreplay.
I’m on the ‘fun and games’ end of the spectrum. If a wife asked me for advice, I’d discourage it for all the reasons already stated and also because I think the promoters of DD engage in a lot of porn on their sites and have a truly dark side that the Bible warns us against.
@JLoydH, in reference to your question in a comment…
SC, please elaborate on “I can see why women would be interested in this” because I can’t understand what an emotionally and spiritually mature and reasonably intelligent woman would find attractive about DD (or CDD).
That’s the thing, I don’t think that emotionally and spiritually mature women would necessarily be interested in it. As @Dovegrey pointed out, there’s a lot of people who are emotionally wounded who are in this. I personally believe, if someone is spiritually mature, they would also see how this does not align with God’s design for marriage. It’s a dynamic that is much more rooted under how the “law” operates, rather than the freedom of “grace”. Here are some random ideas on why it may be attractive to some:
- The same kind of attraction that draws people to want to follow the laws of the old covenant, is the same thing that would make one desire this. To have set “rules” to follow seems to make things easier for some, although in reality, it does not.
- To not have to be full responsibility for your own choices and behavior seems to be easier for some.
- If someone grew up in a controlling home, and they have a “victim” love style (howwelove.com), being controlled is what is known and comfortable.
- Or, they feel they have had to be in control of so many other things in life, it’s a relief to give up some of that control.
- Also, I believe a woman has a desire to be led by her husband, this can be a distortion or perversion of what they believe “leading” looks like.
- If a woman has struggled with not feeling wanted, feeling invisible…. this kind of attention may seem flattering. Her husband HAS to notice her and give her attention. Any attention is better than no attention.
- It could likely root back to “daddy issues” as @LBD said. This dynamic is much more like a parent/child dynamic, rather than a husband/wife one.
I would find it very difficult if not impossible to spank my wife, I wouldn’t want to hurt her at all. As far as the roles reversed, I wouldn’t see it as degrading to the masculinity of a man, are we supposed to be always masculine?
I worked with a very religious lady for many years and after about 25 years, she told me her husband spanked her occasionally and she actually enjoyed it. She said there is a right way to do it, hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to leave a bruise. I was kind of shocked. I asked how often they did that and she said at least once a month she was “punished” Afterwards they would have sex. They used a paddle of some kind and alternated hard licks to soft licks, apparently, she got several.
I can’t see this working in today’s environment except for a rare couple.
@DoveGrey. Thanks for sharing. So helpful. And I’m glad you chose to come here rather than stay there!
DW and I have never been interested in that kind of thing. In fact, it has only been very recently that we’ve heard about it. I just have a bad feel about it.
I knew nothing about DD until it was mentioned on these boards a couple years ago. So I checked it out online. It was very disturbing to me. The biggest thing was that the wife had to literally live perfect or get spanked. The one example given was the wife getting spanked for forgetting her phone at home. Well, who is spanking the husband for his less than perfect behavior? Such as grumpy days, forgetfulness, not getting all his work done, etc. When DH and I discussed it, we agreed that no husband on earth is perfect enough to train his wife with spanking.
@sd595, I have zero understanding of how you can relate that passage (God punishing heresy, idolatry and immortality) with a husband and wife relationship. The husband is never a substitute for God in a marriage. No human being has the power or right to play God. You might as well be saying Christians can go out and kill adulterers.