Domestic Discipline

    Domestic discipline most commonly refers to as the practice of fully consensual corporal discipline between two competent adult partners in a relationship” (It’s typically not sexual in nature.)

    The other day I overheard a couple talking about some things, and because of my knowledge, I knew they were talking of, or considering, domestic discipline.  He was the one presenting the idea, and she was having a negative response.

    Does anyone have any experience with this?  

    Have you ever had a desire for it, or considered it?

    What are your thoughts and opinions? 

    How would you advise a couple considering this? Do you have Scriptural backing for your stance?

     

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    16 Answer(s)

      I delved into the community for a time when I first heard of it around three years ago. It’s actually how I found this board, due to the excellent article about it on TMB.
      Scripture abounds on that page, although the cited verses are interpreted differently in the Christian DD community. https://themarriagebed.com/domestic-discipline/

      Dh and I considered it for a brief time, but then we realized our interest was mainly sexual. DD wasn’t what we were into, it was basically play for us. We’ve since shifted our thinking on it to other bedroom pursuits.

      A couple of things that bother me about it:
      1. In many, although not all, cases that I saw, the interest was sexual in nature.

      2. In close to all cases that I saw, there was an attitude that the wife was heavily relying on her husband for personal growth opportunities. That’s a slippery slope. I believe we are all made in God’s image, and that we all have the responsibility to grow as Christians. I do believe in complementary marriage, but there are lines that a Christian wife must draw in the sand if the husband is on the wrong path. DD in many cases doesn’t allow for that.

      3. I was disturbed by the high percentage of women with abuse or mental illness in their backgrounds. It led me to believe that they were using DD as a replacement for medical / therapeutic care. In one case I saw, it absolutely was a replacement for care. It greatly saddened me, because it very clearly wasn’t working.

      To each his own. Most cases that I saw were completely consensual and many were initiated by the wife. In many cases, it opened communication between both partners. I just think there are more God-honoring ways to accomplish that.

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 15, 2020.
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        1. I never heard of it before this thread but it creeps me out.  Playful spanking between consenting spouses in the MB is fine, but this is much more.
        2. It seems to have a lot of common elements to things I hated about my parents’ relationship when I was growing up and resolved never to do/be when I could finally get out on my own, with  my own wife and children.  I sometimes failed but I tried to be as unlike them as I could be.
        3. I do believe that a husband has a God-given responsibility to lead his family and if he doesn’t or won’t, the void will be filled by someone else, almost always with bad results.  But that responsibility doesn’t deem him superior to his wife, certainly not in God’s eyes.  Only a fool thinks that he “should do all the thinking” or that only he can “make the rules and everyone else – especially his wife – MUST blindly follow.”   If he is unwilling, timid, or marries a woman who challenges his role there will be problems and the whole family will be cursed.  In that sense, he MUST be the strong one.   Life is tough.  We live in a fallen world and God gave men wives to be their helpmate.  I don’t want to be married to a child – I want a partner, an EQUAL, who works as hard as I do for our family and strives to do the best she can, is totally trustworthy, and supports me and expresses herself honestly when she thinks I am leading us in the wrong direction.   As the Negro College Fund always said, “A (wife’s) Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste” and only a foolish man and a mentally immature woman would think that is a good idea.
        4. Our Creator implanted a desire in wives for their (far from perfect) husbands (Gen 3:16b) as part of the curse AND He commands us (imperfect, sinfully-inclined) husbands to love our wives as Christ loved the church and  gave Himself for it (Eph 5:25).  What a heavy burden each spouse must carry in this life – burdens we can never fulfill except through both of us submitting ourselves to Christ daily and hourly. The way God created us and tasked us to live does not cheapen the marital relationship in any way.   But in Googling “Domestic Discipline” I saw several links to “Christian Domestic Discipline” which I think is an oxymoron… another ploy by Satan to take what God created as good and distort and confuse to our harm.
        On the floor Answered 7 days ago.
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          It’s hard pass for me. No desire to AND DW gets mad at anything that feels like I’m treating her like a child due to a ghost of her past.  Do I slap her butt on occasion playfully inside and outside the bedroom? Absolutely, but I think this really feels like a parent/child or dominant/sub situation and that doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’m not a fan and as I just stated, certainly not my wife.

          Scriptural advice? I’d have to think more on that. I just feel it’s not healthy for the relationship and put one of them in a domineering role and elevates pain for pleasure. It seems kind of twisted and how does that help us live Phil. 2 lives and “count others better than ourselves” and “treat each other with humility”?

          Col. 3:19? “Husbands, love your wives and don’t treat them harshly.”

          If the roles are reversed, I see it as degrading to the masculinity of a man and not healthy in the long run emotionally for a marriage.

          Under the stars Answered on October 15, 2020.
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            Faulty at the core, sinful at the worst. Would you “discipline” a delicate vessel physically? It sounds like a ridiculous justification for un-Godly propensities of dominance inspired violence. Honestly, sounds like a lot of women who had “daddy issues” and a lot of men who either had domineering mothers or unloving fathers. There is nothing about physically hitting my wife that resembles treating her like my own body or as Christ treats the church. Sounds too much like somebody trying to recreate the Handmaiden’s tale. Foolish.

             

            Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 15, 2020.

            Agreed!

            on October 15, 2020.
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              There are a lot of websites and blogs dedicated to DD, so it’s not that rare. I think the appeal for both sexes is that it takes them back to a bygone era where men were in ‘control’ of their wives. While it’s not necessarily sexual, I think in many cases it is and there’s a spectrum where one end is dead serious in the practice, while the other end occasionally dabbles in it as role play. I seem to remember plenty of wives here (at least on the previous forum) who enjoyed being spanked as part of foreplay.

              I’m on the ‘fun and games’ end of the spectrum. If a wife asked me for advice, I’d discourage it for all the reasons already stated and also because I think the promoters of DD engage in a lot of porn on their sites and have a truly dark side that the Bible warns us against.

              On the floor Answered on October 15, 2020.
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                @JLoydH, in reference to your question in a comment…

                SC, please elaborate on “I can see why women would be interested in this” because I can’t understand what an emotionally  and spiritually mature and reasonably intelligent woman would find attractive about DD (or CDD).  

                That’s the thing, I don’t think that emotionally and spiritually mature women would necessarily be interested in it.  As @Dovegrey pointed out, there’s a lot of people who are emotionally wounded who are in this.  I personally believe, if someone is spiritually mature, they would also see how this does not align with God’s design for marriage. It’s a dynamic that is much more rooted under how the “law” operates, rather than the freedom of “grace”.  Here are some random ideas on why it may be attractive to some:

                • The same kind of attraction that draws people to want to follow the laws of the old covenant, is the same thing that would make one desire this.  To have set “rules” to follow seems to make things easier for some, although in reality, it does not.
                • To not have to be full responsibility for your own choices and behavior seems to be easier for some.
                • If someone grew up in a controlling home, and they have a “victim” love style (howwelove.com), being controlled is what is known and comfortable.
                • Or, they feel they have had to be in control of so many other things in life, it’s a relief to give up some of that control.
                • Also, I believe a woman has a desire to be led by her husband, this can be a distortion or perversion of what they believe “leading” looks like.
                • If a woman has struggled with not feeling wanted, feeling invisible…. this kind of attention may seem flattering.  Her husband HAS to notice her and give her attention.   Any attention is better than no attention.
                • It could likely root back to “daddy issues” as @LBD said.  This dynamic is much more like a parent/child dynamic, rather than a husband/wife one.
                Under the stars Answered 6 days ago.

                Thank you for clarifying that a healthy woman would not likely be attracted to that lifestyle.  I guess I had the wrong frame of reference in mind since the wives who regularly post, advise, and question on this board strike me as mature, intelligent, and clear-thinking Christian women.

                I can see the “law” vs “grace” dichotomy.

                And I can see where someone who hasn’t developed the self-control or a perspective of what adulthood requires being  “most comfortable” when external structure is imposed on them.  Sadly, that wife is likely married to an authoritarian husband who is threatened by a wife who thinks for herself, recognizes her gifting from her Creator and her responsibility to develop it for the benefit of her family and the church, and expects to be an equal partner in her marriage.  And in the husband’s weakness, he would want to keep her that way….  a bad “parent” and an intellectually lazy “child”.

                6 days ago.
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                  I would find it very difficult if not impossible to spank my wife, I wouldn’t want to hurt her at all. As far as the roles reversed, I wouldn’t see it as degrading to the masculinity of a man, are we supposed to be always masculine?

                  I worked with a very religious lady for many years and after about 25 years, she told me her husband spanked her occasionally and she actually enjoyed it. She said there is a right way to do it, hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to leave a bruise.  I was kind of shocked. I asked how often they did that and she said at least once a month she was “punished”  Afterwards they would have sex.  They used a paddle of some kind and alternated hard licks to soft licks, apparently, she got several.

                  I can’t see this working in today’s environment except for a rare couple.

                  On the floor Answered on October 15, 2020.

                  I would find it very difficult if not impossible to spank my wife, I wouldn’t want to hurt her at all. Me too.

                  As far as the roles reversed, I wouldn’t see it as degrading to the masculinity of a man… 

                  I disagree. I’d feel like a kid and disrespected as a man.

                  EDITED: to correct mistake and reflect my view.

                  on October 15, 2020.

                  @NWNL, That last quote is opposite of what you said, isn’t it? You originally said it would be degrading and @Ron says it would NOT, but you said “Exactly”. I am a little confused.

                  on October 15, 2020.

                  @Ron, it’s disturbing to me that a female coworker would divulge that sort of sexual information to you, and in that much detail.

                  on October 15, 2020.

                  Well, we worked together for a long time and this was after 20 years. We had kids about the same time, saw them grow, went through parents passing away together etc. We at times had joked about sex some and I knew she must have been really sexual. We talked about oral sex etc. I guess it was our relationship.

                  on October 15, 2020.

                  @SC – You are correct. Thank you. I misread and have now edited my answer to reflect my view (and disagreement)

                  on October 15, 2020.
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                    @DoveGrey. Thanks for sharing. So helpful. And I’m glad you chose to come here rather than stay there!

                    DW and I have never been interested in that kind of thing. In fact, it has only been very recently that we’ve heard about it. I just have a bad feel about it.

                    Under the stars Answered on October 15, 2020.
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                      I knew nothing about DD until it was mentioned on these boards a couple years ago. So I checked it out online. It was very disturbing to me. The biggest thing was that the wife had to literally live perfect or get spanked. The one example given was the wife getting spanked for forgetting her phone at home. Well, who is spanking the husband for his less than perfect behavior? Such as grumpy days, forgetfulness, not getting all his work done, etc. When DH and I discussed it, we agreed that no husband on earth is perfect enough to train his wife with spanking.

                      Under the stars Answered on October 15, 2020.
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                        @sd595, I have zero understanding of how you can relate that passage (God punishing heresy, idolatry and immortality) with a husband and wife relationship. The husband is never a substitute for God in a marriage. No human being has the power or right to play God. You might as well be saying Christians can go out and kill adulterers.

                        On the floor Answered 6 days ago.

                        It is God’s own analogy that marriage between a husband and wife is modeled after Jesus and His bride the church.  Eph 5: 21-33 states this directly and proves this.  Is not Jesus the ultimate model of husband then?  I’d say He is.  And yes, He does exactly what Eph 5:21-33 teaches earthly husbands to do with His bride.  Jesus was addressing sin and washing her in the Word so she can be presented blemish free to Himself.  He was being an active husband.  There is no mistaking what He was doing.  His behavior isn’t a one off that can be dismissed – he did it with each of His churches methodically, addressing where each one was doing well or doing poorly and then leading them in the direction that they needed to go.  If you doubt what Jesus does in Revelation with His bride, go back to Eph. 5 and accept it alone.  Spoiler alert – Eph. 5 does not say “Husband a wife are equals and Jesus is both of their heads.”

                        >The husband is never a substitute for God in a marriage. No human being has the power or right to play God.

                        There is no substituting for God going on – there is a following if His ordained order and design.  He is her head, just as Jesus is His head.  She is told to submit to him as she does the Lord.  He has the power that God Himself has granted him as husband.  You can label that anyway you like, but that is what scripture states and teaches, and what we as Christians should be aligning ourselves and our marriages to.

                        What so many today follow is a complete perversion of marriage by the enemy which states that both husband and wife are somehow independent of each other and each answer to God alone, again, independently.  That is directly against what scripture specifically teaches.  Who is it that teaches what is directly against what scripture teaches?  How is that working out for Christians marriages?  Not very well.  It seems that not doing what God says to do often yields disaster.

                        You might as well be saying Christians can go out and kill adulterers.

                        I am not going to even address the ridiculousness of this assertion.

                         

                        6 days ago.

                        The problem LIL – SD, is that many are seeing the truth through world-colored glasses, and therefor it is distorted in their eyes. And as happens in many other instances, many try to mold the Word around a few words – and do not take in the whole Word and see the big picture. They don’t draw the circle big enough.

                        When they hear “submission”, they see the wrong thing from their perspective. They can have a hard time seeing a leading, yet submissive to God, husband being anything but domineering. And as this whole subject has pointed out, some husbands and wives accept that faulty interpretation and take it to a bad place.

                        Man and woman are equal in soul value in God’s eyes, YET, their God honoring roles here on earth are NOT the same, and God ordained some hierarchy as a anti-type of the relationship we are to have with Him – as SD pointed out. But people often hear this and draw an imperfect conclusion that God is playing favorites in the marriage. Ultimately, I think this simply exposes in those that have the most problem with it a lack of faith in the Word, and maybe a lack of faith in themselves. But that may be another discussion all together.

                        I, as the husband, am called to be the spiritual leader of my household. Scripture is clear on that. That role has many activities surrounding it. Beating my wife into submission is NOT one of them. Following the Word in my life, following the Word in my interactions with my wife, Following the Word in how I handle conflicts with her, ARE all part of that role. I can no more shirk that responsibility than I can shirk the responsibility to worship Him according to the Word. I will answer for myself on all of that. I will NOT answer for my wife’s choices in response. She will answer for those alone. But if I fail to act, teach, lead, admonish if necessary, according to the guidance in the Word, that is my failure. And more importantly – because the Word itself makes this clear – if I don’t do all those things in LOVE, I am useless and nothing more than noise. No honest exposition of the scripture can get around any of that.

                        4 days ago.
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