Embarrasment feelings

    Been married a long time…

    I (the husband) have these feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment at times with my wife during sex. I think it is an eye contact thing? I don’t really get it. The feelings get worse when we are being more kinky.

    Everything we do sexually, the wife is fully on board by 150%, so it can’t be that and she encourages me to get a little wilder as well.

    Any thoughts on how to overcome this, because it is a real drag at times!

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    9 Answer(s)

      How long have you been married? I used to be quite self conscious earlier in our marriage. I just was talking with DW about this last night how that changed for me over time. I think it comes with trust and security. I might have wondered if DW would think or who she might share details with. I don’t ever think about that now. Partly don’t care as much what anyone thinks (one of the perks of reaching your 40’s) and I know that both DW and I speak highly of each other and know how to keep secrets.

      Fell out of ... Answered on June 13, 2019.

      We have been married for over two decades now and I would describe our marriage as fantastic. It is quite odd that I would feel embarrassed. It tends to be when we are doing more of the kinky stuff or when she is performing oral on me. Eye contact… It is hard for some reason…

      on June 13, 2019.
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        We had been married for about 29 years when I finally decided to get some therapy to overcome my embarrassment about ANY sexual activities, and my inability to make eye contact with my husband during sex.  It worked really well and I rarely have issues with self-consciousness any more.   This is a (years-long) thread on the old TMB boards about my experiences:

        http://www.boards.themarriagebed.com/viewtopic.php?f=53&t=52105

        Hammock Answered on June 13, 2019.

        Thanks for sharing. I am glad to hear that you were able to get some help to overcome your embarrassment.

        I think my embarrassment is nothing too big, but it is annoying none the less.

        Last time we were intimate, my wife was making eye contact and I had to tell myself to do the same. I just wish I would chill out and relax and be more confident.

         

        on June 14, 2019.

        How can I access the link if I hadn’t registered on the old forum? I have to log in to see it but I can’t.

        on June 14, 2019.
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          How to overcome? It seems to me the greater you understand the reasons behind such feelings will also help you understand how to overcome them. Discussing this more with your DW is also good – they often understand us better than we understand ourselves.

          One more idea. Are you leading her into some of these more kinky things? It seems you might be breeching standards that you had in the past and aren’t sure you should be. So, how about you invite your wife to lead you into the wilder things? Let her pick what to do and lead you there rather than you lead her there. After that has happened a few times, you might be more at ease leading her places again.

          Under the stars Answered on June 14, 2019.

          I am kind of leading her into some kinky things, but here is the kicker… It seems that she has wanted these kinkier things for some time. I never knew really. She was starting to want more than vanilla and when I introduced some kinky stuff (still pretty tame I think), she was loving every second and would comment days afterwards.

          on June 14, 2019.
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            I think some of this is just because it’s a new thing and so it’s uncomfortable. What it takes is pushing through that discomfort until it feels more normal. Have you ever done the love styles test, from howwelove.com ? I am an Avoider, so highly emotional times makes me uncomfortable….unless it’s anger, because that is safer for me to handle and to show, because it gives a sense of power. But if I am dealing with inner things or strong emotions, I have a hard time making eye contact because I don’t want my husband to see what is going on. Does any of that sound familiar to you?

            Under the stars Answered on June 14, 2019.

            I had not heard of a love styles test. Thanks for letting me know about it. I need to check it out.

            I guess you are ultimately right… Pushing through the awkwardness until it feels more normal. It might be hard doing this, but I think you are right.

            I had never really thought about the awkward feelings until we started spicing things up with certain activities and then eye contact happening more. Maybe we were vanilla for so long and now in my mind I am just shocked that she is doing “X” on me or I am doing “X” to her?

            on June 14, 2019.

            This reminds me when I did a striptease for my husband. For so long he viewed these things as “wrong” because it was “others” who did it, and he was to “bounce his eyes” or run. It took him a conscious effort to realize this is good and I am not wrong to watch and be aroused by such a thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t something similar.

            on June 14, 2019.

            I understand…

            It would just be great if we could all just be super confident and champions in the bedroom.

            on June 15, 2019.
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              I sure wish my wife would make eye contact during LM or show some interest in me. She thinks it’s all about me and I think it’s all about her.

              Fell out of ... Answered on June 14, 2019.

              I think a lot of Christian wives have some real hang ups about sex and I think this gets in the way of a beautiful thing

              on June 14, 2019.
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                Talk, talk, and talk about sex. Open communication is so important to letting go in bed.

                Queen bed Answered on June 14, 2019.

                Talking can even be a bit awkward at times, so I find texting initially and then going to face to face conversation helps.

                on June 14, 2019.
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                  I’ve read that embarrassment discourages risk-taking and, thereby, prevents a person from attempting new things and taking advantage of opportunities.
                  People who fear embarrassment will rarely if ever step outside their comfort zones. Repetition expands the comfort zone and eliminates the embarrassment.
                  Enjoy the repetition!!!

                  Fell out of ... Answered on June 14, 2019.

                  Totally agree! Embarrassment and awkwardness blocks you big time. The things we do now, we both wonder why we didn’t get happening earlier.
                  Wife still won’t look at the vibrators, but she loves me using it on her. When I clean up toys afterwards, I feel a little awkward. Stupid really…
                  Eye contact during certain activities will be something I need to push through.

                  on June 14, 2019.

                  Toy cleaning …….. it was a bit awkward at first, but now we laugh about it and call it “doing the dishes” LOL.  I think with time you will get past the embarrassment and awkwardness.  It helps to have a sense of humor about it too.  I agree with you though that texting is often easier than face-to-face conversation.  Celebrate the fact that your wife is definitely enjoying your activities and is willing to talk to you about them even if it’s only via text.

                  And yes, eye contact is REALLY difficult for some of us, and in my case took cognitive behavioral therapy to overcome a lifetime of avoiding peoples’ eyes.

                  on June 15, 2019.
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                    Maybe… There is still a part of me that thinks some of what we do with sex now is a bit unusual and there is a possibility that she will judge or reject me. But when I type that, I am 200% certain that she is into all that we do, because we have discussed it, even though our discussion was a bit awkward and some of it via text.

                     

                    Double bed Answered on June 15, 2019.

                    I felt the exact same way with my wife when we tried something new recently, something a bit unusual. She is usually not too open about talking about sex, but this time she was and even participated more than she ever has.  I have gotten over the embarrassment part and we both enjoy something new.

                    on February 12, 2020.
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                      After seeing your recent question, I looked up your past question (this one). I am curious, especially given your recent question–did you get past this embarrassment, and if so, what helped?

                      -Scott

                      Under the stars Answered on February 11, 2020.

                      I think talking about it… Sending kinky texts… Being more open…

                      I think these are the things that helped a lot.

                      on February 12, 2020.
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