Been married a long time…
I (the husband) have these feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment at times with my wife during sex. I think it is an eye contact thing? I don’t really get it. The feelings get worse when we are being more kinky.
Everything we do sexually, the wife is fully on board by 150%, so it can’t be that and she encourages me to get a little wilder as well.
Any thoughts on how to overcome this, because it is a real drag at times!
How long have you been married? I used to be quite self conscious earlier in our marriage. I just was talking with DW about this last night how that changed for me over time. I think it comes with trust and security. I might have wondered if DW would think or who she might share details with. I don’t ever think about that now. Partly don’t care as much what anyone thinks (one of the perks of reaching your 40’s) and I know that both DW and I speak highly of each other and know how to keep secrets.
We had been married for about 29 years when I finally decided to get some therapy to overcome my embarrassment about ANY sexual activities, and my inability to make eye contact with my husband during sex. It worked really well and I rarely have issues with self-consciousness any more. This is a (years-long) thread on the old TMB boards about my experiences:
How to overcome? It seems to me the greater you understand the reasons behind such feelings will also help you understand how to overcome them. Discussing this more with your DW is also good – they often understand us better than we understand ourselves.
One more idea. Are you leading her into some of these more kinky things? It seems you might be breeching standards that you had in the past and aren’t sure you should be. So, how about you invite your wife to lead you into the wilder things? Let her pick what to do and lead you there rather than you lead her there. After that has happened a few times, you might be more at ease leading her places again.
I think some of this is just because it’s a new thing and so it’s uncomfortable. What it takes is pushing through that discomfort until it feels more normal. Have you ever done the love styles test, from howwelove.com ? I am an Avoider, so highly emotional times makes me uncomfortable….unless it’s anger, because that is safer for me to handle and to show, because it gives a sense of power. But if I am dealing with inner things or strong emotions, I have a hard time making eye contact because I don’t want my husband to see what is going on. Does any of that sound familiar to you?
I’ve read that embarrassment discourages risk-taking and, thereby, prevents a person from attempting new things and taking advantage of opportunities.
People who fear embarrassment will rarely if ever step outside their comfort zones. Repetition expands the comfort zone and eliminates the embarrassment.
Enjoy the repetition!!!
Maybe… There is still a part of me that thinks some of what we do with sex now is a bit unusual and there is a possibility that she will judge or reject me. But when I type that, I am 200% certain that she is into all that we do, because we have discussed it, even though our discussion was a bit awkward and some of it via text.