I’ve seen a fantasies questionnaire recommended on secular sites as a way to bring up ideas to spice up the bedroom. Ideally, this could work great in the husband/wife setting, particularly in MB’s with a responsive-desire spouse and/or a spouse who hasn’t been exposed to a lot of ideas from porn and/or erotica. Specifically, it works better than just “what are your fantasies” because it may bring up ideas one doesn’t normally think about. Plus, there is some protection from “putting yourself out there” by getting both spouses’ answers and then showing the couple only what both are interested in or at least open to.
Married Christian Sex had a post about this, linking to two options, including the one I’d seen recommended at the bottom of that post. However, I’ve glanced through them and there is enough unGodly stuff (questions about porn, threesomes, etc) that I am not okay taking the test with my DW, and I’m guessing many here would object as well.
In the comments of the Married Christian Sex post, Jeffrey Stumpf linked to an old TMB post with several options. That link no longer works. Does anyone have any idea as to what would have been in that link? Alternatively, does anyone have suggestions as other ways to easily bring up fantasies like these questionnaires would?
Just an aside, but I don’t actually have a bunch of fantasies I haven’t told Zelda, but a tool like this seems like a good way to increase sexual communication and might lead to more openness.
(Link URL in case the above doesn’t work: https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/information/discover-your-spouses-fantasies-with-a-sex-questionnaire/)
I have no clue how these questionnaires are written… but, even though there are things that we know are sinful, couldn’t a couple speak about that possibility first and decide how to handle those topics?
To me, it sounds like a great opportunity for honesty and intimacy. As we know, there are many Christians who have fantasies that do fall in the sin realm, that doesn’t mean that they are going to lose self-control and fulfill it, even if their spouse ends up having the same fantasy. Having the kind of questions that is trying to be avoided (which I understand) seems like it could be an opportunity to take the intimacy further, it’s the opportunity to expose light onto some darkness and push shame away. It may even be an opportunity for a spouse to find freedom from something that has plagued them.
I know that if there was a fantasy I struggled with (I say struggled, because there’s a full awareness it is wrong or sinful), and a spouse was unaware of it and the attitude was to be abhorred and wanting to erase it from talk and questions… that would make me hide it under lock and key even more, because my husband is showing a judgmental attitude and that he would lack grace in knowing the real me. It would also make me feel even more shameful and deviant, and sick enough I might beyond redemption.
I realize both spouses would have to go in with the right heart and mind. But, I can’t help but seeing this as a way to create some intimacy, even if it looks a little differently than the plan of “what can we do in the bedroom.”
Yikes i don’t like that site at all and the links to other christian blogs are questionable (like biblical gender roles ugh) (i see they have taken that link down) but yes go ahead and make a questionnaire. I think there might have been one about questionable desires with a non judgemental attitude (not talking about 3 somes) but honestly i think, how many fantasies can there be? There are only so many ways to have sex 😛
There are some sex & intimacy books written by various Christian authors that have some questionnaires in them. Don’t ask me which ones because most of them are at home in our bedroom than here in my office…and between what I’ve purchased over the years plus what DW & I have purchased in the past 4 yrs, it probably totals about 20 books written to men, women and couples. We’ve done a couple of them before marriage and as mentioned previously, we regularly talk about sex, what we’ve enjoyed and invariably, one will mention something different they’d like to try.
Healthy communication outside AND inside the bedroom can and should lead to healthy sex inside AND outside the bedroom. :D. If you can’t find something you’d be willing to do with your wife, I’d suggest getting a list and creating your own questionnaire by eliminating the clearly unBiblical ones (defined as not between a husband and wife alone) and keeping the rest. Go through them at least every couple years. You never know. DW & I have tried some things in the past few months that we’d had some discussions against doing early in and/or before marriage which are a now part of our lovemaking repertoire. Things can change as you grow as a couple and experience love and freedom in the bedroom between a husband and wife alone.
@SOA… if you break down fantasies to be very specific, it could become quite vast…. such as, asking about specific toy uses… Do you desire to use a vibrator? Do you desire to use a dildo? Do you desire to be tied up? Do you desire to be blindfolded? Etc, etc, etc.
I’ve had this one stored away for a while. I can’t remember where I found it. It may have been on TMB or one of the blogs:
Is the goal to come up with ideas, or to have a way of sharing ideas with each other? I agree with a lot of the posts here. Questionnaires I’ve seen are too broad and include too many things we wouldn’t be into and secular ones have ungodly acts mentioned in them. I think creating your own is the way to go. It’s not bad to steal questions from others and use them/tailor them either. In the end, having a face to face and talking about YOUR fantasy is the important thing.
@DD – yes, questionnaires are a communication tool. The point is to talk. With a questionnaire, it seems to be a potentially non-threatening way of posing questions and bring up different ideas or even things that might be considered taboo, especially in a Christian world, but still morally ok in the context of a Christian marriage between one man and one woman.
In just three years, wife and I have moved past some barriers and exploring some things in our bedroom that previous discussions were negative on the ideas. I remember on an episode of sexy marriage radio, they talked about just having a discussion about ideas which when out allows for people to address their fears or hang ups and can bring healing or expose poor thinking or rationalization which they’d used to avoid something God would bless.