Feeling undesired

    Hello, I’m new to this site so I don’t know if I’m asking the right thing but is it normal to not feel desired by your DW?  I work away from my family for 4 weeks at a time and are only home for 10 days.  While I’m away if we try phone sex it’s never her wanting it.  I always have to initiate it.  Then she’ll only play with her breast to get me off unless I ask her to play with herself, which she does so reluctantly in a bored kinda way.  Sometimes while I’m mastrubating she’ll giggle without being able to stop and destroys the mood.  Also even on days when I call her and ask to see her boobs in private sometime she won’t show them or tell me she was going to but now because I asked she feels pressured too and won’t.  All I’m feeling here is that she doesn’t desire me and I feel like I’m the only one who is sexually assertive in our relationship.  Makes me feel like an unattractive peice of crap.

    Double bed Asked on October 19, 2019 in Desire Problems (men and women).
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      This is much more “normal” than it should be.  Much of it is wrapped around the couple not understanding the sexuality of the other, or maybe even their own sexuality.  Do you know what responsive desire is?  If you don’t, I can almost guarantee your wife doesn’t understand it either.

      God created males and females differently.  Males, in general, have been created to be the pursuers.  Their sexual needs drive them to pursue and initiate.  Females, in general, tend to have responsive desire.  That basically means that they respond to their husbands desire, which means, things have to get started before that desire starts to flame up in them.   Once things begin, then they start enjoying it.   If a husband and wife both know that, how they handle sex and initiation will change.  A husband will see that it’s not anything personal against him, it’s actually how God created his wife differently.

      Have you worked at understanding the differences in a man and woman’s sexuality?  Have you worked at communicating with your wife on what her actions make you feel, and what she can do to actually make you feel desired?   Can we get mad at a blind man when he steps on our toe?  Until your wife learns, she is in essence blind.  You have to do your part in teaching her and opening her eyes.  You two could take this journey together and search out the many, many resources out there.  There are quite a few books and blogs, plus TMB’s main site and this forum, that you can begin with.  Sometimes when we read another’s words, they resonate with us and we have an “ah-ha” moment, and we can now understand and share what we felt but were never able to verbalize.

      Understanding each others personality and love languages would be helpful as well.  Our personalities determine how we like to be communicated with and how we interpret things.  Love language show us how the other shows love and feels the most loved.

      We have to remember in the midst of our frustrations that our differences are actually by God’s design, and they are there to bring us into a more intimate relationship…but it takes time.

      Under the stars Answered on October 19, 2019.

      I completely agree that this probably has so much to do with responsive desire.

      on October 19, 2019.

      Absolutely agree also. Read up on good Christian blogs on women’s sexual needs/desires/responses.  We are DIFFERENT from men.  I really like what DoveGray has to say, especially everything she has to say. I have a sex positive mindset and would TRY to do things my husband asked me to do if, let’s say, he desired “phone sex” but i could not respond the way HE would, i would be embarrassed to show my body and watching him masturbate certainly would not be my thing although i think a good spouse should be good willed about it all.  Agree with trying to figure out her love language and speaking to her in a gentle caring way about how much it means to YOU. I really do hope she comes around and it most definitely helps to read Christian sex positive blogs, i hope she will also.

      on October 19, 2019.
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        The first thing that comes to my mind is that in general, we women just aren’t as visual as men are. It has nothing to do with the desirability of the guy. For example, I see really muscular guys who I know are considered “hot” at the gym all the time, and I have zero attraction to them. You must be so frustrated by feeling unattractive, but her lack of initiation probably has little to do with her attraction to you. And some women just aren’t initiators for hormonal reasons.

        I think it’s especially true given that you’re having phone sex. What many women see on a screen is just not going to do it for them the way it will for a guy. She may not even see it as a performance for you, but a performance for a camera. That can be pretty nerve-wracking. And that might explain the giggling. Without knowing her, it sounds to me like she’s nervous about it.

        Another thing to take into consideration is her self image. If she’s got good body image, then performing like this isn’t going to be as stressful for her. But if she views herself negatively (and she might, even if she’s supermodel gorgeous), then performing for you like this is going to be the absolute last thing she wants to do. It’s like a woman who will only make love with the lights off. Being seen by anyone, even a husband, can make a woman nervous if she doesn’t have a positive body image.

        These issues would be a problem in any marriage, but especially so in yours because of your situation. Have you asked her (in person) why she has trouble during your phone times? Have you tried doing what you would normally do over the phone while you’re physically with her? “Practicing” it a bit in person might help her get over any anxiety that she has about doing it over the phone. Start with a gentle, caring statement like, “I notice you seem uncomfortable with what we do over the phone. Help me understand why. How can I help you feel better about it?” But have the conversation in person.

        Best wishes. I’m new here, too. From what I’ve seen, people give really good advice here. I hope you can find what you’re seeking.

        King bed Answered on October 19, 2019.
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          It may not make you feel better, but if your wife is willing to do phone/video sex at all, she’s already beating out many wives in the desire category. Glad to hear you’ve learned what responsive drive is and how to deal with it.

          Do you have kids and/or is she recent postpartum? That can make things more difficult.

          King bed Answered on October 20, 2019.
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            Yes, she definitely is the responsive type, and at home the bedroom is good.  Please don’t get me wrong, I know she loves me but It’s just so hard for me when I’m away I feel that she doesn’t understand how much I crave to see her body.  Or maybe she does but doesn’t realize how much I actually need it.  For me it’s how I feel loved while being away.  How I can go to sleep feeling that small bit of intimacy for the night.  That few minutes of togetherness that I so long for until I’m home.

            Double bed Answered on October 19, 2019.
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              Have you told her that?

              Under the stars Answered on October 19, 2019.
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                As a guy, I had very similar feelings with my DW. But once I understood her responsive desire it helped me to not feel so hurt. It didn’t take away the sadness at not getting what I wanted, but it made me realize it had nothing to do with her attraction to me or love for me.

                Queen bed Answered on October 19, 2019.
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                  @Bull. I’m so happy that she was able to communicate with you about her reluctance. That’s a huge step toward remedying the issues. And the fact that you both could have that conversation says so much about the strength of your relationship.

                  Plus… yikes! I probably couldn’t handle having myself on the screen. I have a tough enough time with taking a good selfie of my face, or when I’m in a conference call and my face pops up. The lighting is so bad and I look like the absolute worst version of myself. Perhaps she can cover that part of the screen with a Post-it note or something. Just to remove the extra stress. I mean, we’re created in God’s image and are fearfully and wonderfully made… but cell phone imagery doesn’t seem to realize that!

                  King bed Answered on October 20, 2019.
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                    Continue communicating and learning and understanding each other and yourselves!

                    I hope you stick around, there is always much more to learn! You can even invite your wife and learn together, if you are comfortable with that. Sometimes a spouse needs a safe place just for them, and that’s okay too.

                    Under the stars Answered on October 20, 2019.
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                      Does your wife feel suitably appreciated? Maybe she doesn’t feel sexy because she’s rushed off her feet? Maybe it would help if she had more practical help whilst you’re away?

                      It sounds like part of the problem is due to geographical separation. I’m sure you’ve already considered this but would it be possible to do some of your work remotely so that you can spend more time at home? Are there other jobs in the field that would allow you to be at home more?

                       

                      King bed Answered on October 20, 2019.
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                        Maybe she’d be more open to performing for you when you’re home rather than trying to do it when she may not be in the mood at the times when you’re not home.  I’d suggest making several videos of her with your phone or tablet when you’re home and can get her in the mood for it and then watching them when you’re apart from her.

                        King bed Answered on October 20, 2019.
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