Feeling undesired

    Hello, I’m new to this site so I don’t know if I’m asking the right thing but is it normal to not feel desired by your DW?  I work away from my family for 4 weeks at a time and are only home for 10 days.  While I’m away if we try phone sex it’s never her wanting it.  I always have to initiate it.  Then she’ll only play with her breast to get me off unless I ask her to play with herself, which she does so reluctantly in a bored kinda way.  Sometimes while I’m mastrubating she’ll giggle without being able to stop and destroys the mood.  Also even on days when I call her and ask to see her boobs in private sometime she won’t show them or tell me she was going to but now because I asked she feels pressured too and won’t.  All I’m feeling here is that she doesn’t desire me and I feel like I’m the only one who is sexually assertive in our relationship.  Makes me feel like an unattractive peice of crap.

    Double bed Asked on October 19, 2019 in Desire Problems (men and women).
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    23 Answer(s)

      The first thing that comes to my mind is that in general, we women just aren’t as visual as men are. It has nothing to do with the desirability of the guy. For example, I see really muscular guys who I know are considered “hot” at the gym all the time, and I have zero attraction to them. You must be so frustrated by feeling unattractive, but her lack of initiation probably has little to do with her attraction to you. And some women just aren’t initiators for hormonal reasons.

      I think it’s especially true given that you’re having phone sex. What many women see on a screen is just not going to do it for them the way it will for a guy. She may not even see it as a performance for you, but a performance for a camera. That can be pretty nerve-wracking. And that might explain the giggling. Without knowing her, it sounds to me like she’s nervous about it.

      Another thing to take into consideration is her self image. If she’s got good body image, then performing like this isn’t going to be as stressful for her. But if she views herself negatively (and she might, even if she’s supermodel gorgeous), then performing for you like this is going to be the absolute last thing she wants to do. It’s like a woman who will only make love with the lights off. Being seen by anyone, even a husband, can make a woman nervous if she doesn’t have a positive body image.

      These issues would be a problem in any marriage, but especially so in yours because of your situation. Have you asked her (in person) why she has trouble during your phone times? Have you tried doing what you would normally do over the phone while you’re physically with her? “Practicing” it a bit in person might help her get over any anxiety that she has about doing it over the phone. Start with a gentle, caring statement like, “I notice you seem uncomfortable with what we do over the phone. Help me understand why. How can I help you feel better about it?” But have the conversation in person.

      Best wishes. I’m new here, too. From what I’ve seen, people give really good advice here. I hope you can find what you’re seeking.

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 19, 2019.
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        This is much more “normal” than it should be.  Much of it is wrapped around the couple not understanding the sexuality of the other, or maybe even their own sexuality.  Do you know what responsive desire is?  If you don’t, I can almost guarantee your wife doesn’t understand it either.

        God created males and females differently.  Males, in general, have been created to be the pursuers.  Their sexual needs drive them to pursue and initiate.  Females, in general, tend to have responsive desire.  That basically means that they respond to their husbands desire, which means, things have to get started before that desire starts to flame up in them.   Once things begin, then they start enjoying it.   If a husband and wife both know that, how they handle sex and initiation will change.  A husband will see that it’s not anything personal against him, it’s actually how God created his wife differently.

        Have you worked at understanding the differences in a man and woman’s sexuality?  Have you worked at communicating with your wife on what her actions make you feel, and what she can do to actually make you feel desired?   Can we get mad at a blind man when he steps on our toe?  Until your wife learns, she is in essence blind.  You have to do your part in teaching her and opening her eyes.  You two could take this journey together and search out the many, many resources out there.  There are quite a few books and blogs, plus TMB’s main site and this forum, that you can begin with.  Sometimes when we read another’s words, they resonate with us and we have an “ah-ha” moment, and we can now understand and share what we felt but were never able to verbalize.

        Understanding each others personality and love languages would be helpful as well.  Our personalities determine how we like to be communicated with and how we interpret things.  Love language show us how the other shows love and feels the most loved.

        We have to remember in the midst of our frustrations that our differences are actually by God’s design, and they are there to bring us into a more intimate relationship…but it takes time.

        Under the stars Answered on October 19, 2019.

        I completely agree that this probably has so much to do with responsive desire.

        on October 19, 2019.

        Absolutely agree also. Read up on good Christian blogs on women’s sexual needs/desires/responses.  We are DIFFERENT from men.  I really like what DoveGray has to say, especially everything she has to say. I have a sex positive mindset and would TRY to do things my husband asked me to do if, let’s say, he desired “phone sex” but i could not respond the way HE would, i would be embarrassed to show my body and watching him masturbate certainly would not be my thing although i think a good spouse should be good willed about it all.  Agree with trying to figure out her love language and speaking to her in a gentle caring way about how much it means to YOU. I really do hope she comes around and it most definitely helps to read Christian sex positive blogs, i hope she will also.

        on October 19, 2019.
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          Yes, she definitely is the responsive type, and at home the bedroom is good.  Please don’t get me wrong, I know she loves me but It’s just so hard for me when I’m away I feel that she doesn’t understand how much I crave to see her body.  Or maybe she does but doesn’t realize how much I actually need it.  For me it’s how I feel loved while being away.  How I can go to sleep feeling that small bit of intimacy for the night.  That few minutes of togetherness that I so long for until I’m home.

          Double bed Answered on October 19, 2019.
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            Have you told her that?

            Under the stars Answered on October 19, 2019.
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              As a guy, I had very similar feelings with my DW. But once I understood her responsive desire it helped me to not feel so hurt. It didn’t take away the sadness at not getting what I wanted, but it made me realize it had nothing to do with her attraction to me or love for me.

              King bed Answered on October 19, 2019.
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                Ok, the giggle thing is probably 100% my fault.  Just feeling undesired and half ways through the moment she starts the giggles, part of the thought process was “why is trying to satisfy myself funny?”  It just got me really frustrated.  Again that one is on me but trying to know how to filter those emotions is lost to me.

                Double bed Answered on October 19, 2019.
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                  @Bull, what are some practical things your wife could do to make you feel desired?

                  Under the stars Answered on October 19, 2019.
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                    @SeekingChange I guess when I’m home I feel like I’m always to one who will initiate playful touch or fondling.  I want her to surprise me when I walk down the hall and grab me or ask me to go to the bedroom with her.  I just want to feel like she’s sexually attracted to me.   Even complimenting me about my goods.  Maybe this sounds selfish and that’s it’s all about the physical.  It’s not all about the physical for me, she does a great job at loving me emotionally, I just need more of the physical side of things to be appreciated.

                    @DoveGrey I had a talk with her last night and your answer nailed it.  She does have a self-image problem and that is why the phone stuff puts her off.  She doesn’t enjoy it because she can see herself in the process.  It doesn’t matter to her how I see her as I love every bit, corner, curve, mole, ect., but because she can still see herself she is not enjoying it.  Although this is a downer for me I can understand where she’s at.

                     

                    Double bed Answered on October 20, 2019.
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                      You’ve gotten some solid advice here. I’ll say as a man who figured out the whole “responsive only” side of his wife some time ago that it takes ongoing work from both sides. There are times I still really get down about it. Especially when you see, hear, or read of examples of how you want to be loved. It can make you sad and passive to realize that your wife is not really going to want it in what the average man is going to see as the ideal way.
                      It does provide opportunity to work on yourself and try to be a more understanding person. Women can obviously learn to work around it and grow their sexuality, but that’s not something I have any experience with. 🙂

                      Fell out of ... Answered on October 20, 2019.
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                        Thank you to each and every one of you for your answers and replies.  I appreciate all the advice and this has helped me to open up to my wife last night and we got to figure some of our issues out on both sides.  I’m really glad I found this group of Godly people willing to openly talk about sex and marriage without the condemnation you tend to find in the church.  Thank you all.

                        Double bed Answered on October 20, 2019.
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