Feelings of insecurity before marriage and sex
Hello! I’m new to this site and am not yet married but will be in just a couple of months 🙂 . So, my question is mainly involving feeling insecure about my body before having sex with my future spouse. It is only a couple of months away and I’m quite nervous about that portion of being married (though excited at the same time!). Here is some background information: My relationship with my fiance is unique in that he has dealt with same-sex attractions for most of his life, and I decided to date him romantically (after quite a bit of time as best friends) after he started pursuing me in that way. We both have had our sexual difficulties: he dealt a lot with same-sex attractions and struggled with porn previously (he stopped viewing it prior to us dating for ethical and moral reasons) and I had a couple of tumultuous relationships that went way too far physically where I was pressured into oral and manual sex (another issue that I continue to deal with). My physical relationship with my fiance started off being nonexistent but I truly felt that God was leading me into this relationship and to be honest, after my first couple of relationships, it was quite a relief not to be super physical very soon. He’s gone to a couple of different retreats that have helped him in his relationships with other men and as he has grown in friendship with other men, his same-sex attractions have diminished significantly (we don’t really talk about it much anymore, tbh). Our physical relationship started to bloom as well– we began to be intentional about kissing each other and it has lead to some more intense making out, necessitating that we put up physical boundaries (something that we had never had to do before).
I guess much of my issue is that I’m afraid to be seen naked: I have had body image issues growing up, and I had never really allowed my former boyfriends to see me naked, honestly– I at least held firm in the regard– and I have never had vaginal sex before. My fiance hasn’t seen much in the way of female parts (which I suppose is good), and I’m afraid of grossing him out with my parts, of what he would think of my pubic hair (as I have had comments made on it before from prior relationships, which really doesn’t feel good). My fiance and I have talked a bit about it, and I know cognitively that he is attracted to me (he has assured me of that before) but emotionally, it is still difficult. Has anyone else dealt with body image issues before and feelings of insecurity before having sex with your spouse? Does anyone have any tools, advice or resources in that regard?
Thanks and sorry for such a long question/post!
Welcome! Even in the 25th year of marriage, it takes a choice to trust my husband with my nakedness. Our insecurity, and the lies we are flooded with, is a battle worth fighting. We need to know who we are in Christ and how our worth lies there. We need to let Him be the guard of our hearts and minds.
My advice is to choose to trust your husband. Make a choice and be intentional to not hide and to be “naked and unashamed”. Stick it to Satan who wants to heap condemnation and shame on you, and your soon-to-be-husband because of his past. Put a stake in the ground now, claiming that the enemy has no right in your relationship and step out in faith, trusting and believing who God says you are. When your marriage comes, and you choose to lay down every piece of clothing, any piece of cloth, whether sheet, towel, robe or whatnot, when you literally shed light to dispel the darkness we find comfort in because it hides…make it a strategic battle move of declaring that shame, fear, and doubt have no place in your life and you and your husband will live a life together “naked and unashamed”. Victory is yours in Christ Jesus!
I think that the same-sex attraction plays some role (I have doubted sometimes his own attraction to me) but I definitely think that a large part as well is intrinsic, and maybe it will just take a leap of faith in both my fiance and God to be vulnerable. Yet, I want to come to our marriage willingly and openly giving him that without reluctance
I know a couple like you in that he had same-sex attraction before he met his now wife. They are now married long enough for their oldest child to be about to graduate high school. They have a better marriage than most folks I know, and that includes sexually. So there is that.
I agree with SeekingChange that you need to hit the body image issue early on. If you want dim light the first time, fine, but plan to let him see you fully nake in good light very soon. Taking a shower together might be a good way to do that.
As for sex, the two of you will explore together and find what works for you as a couple. It won’t look like anyone else’s sex life, and that’s a good thing.
You have my prayers!
Thanks PaulB for your encouragement and prayers,
I have been thinking of ways to improve self image, etc. and I think you are likely right that allowing him to see me in full light while resisting the urge to hide is probably what will ultimately help the more intrinsic fears (as I know cognitively that he likely won’t be turned off nor will he completely reject me when seeing me naked).
In the mean time, I will continue to work on my own self image in the months before as you are right that hitting it on the head now will save my fiance and I future difficulties/inhibitions sexually.
I haven’t directly asked him how he feels regarding it– maybe I should bring it up to him, especially in the next month or two. He definitely seems to be excited for the wedding night though which is good. I probably should ask him how he feels about pubic hair as well once we talk about expectations. I guess I just feel awkward about bringing it up, and I’ve always had a bit more down there than the average girl.
Also, I track my menses and I’m due to start the day of or the day before the wedding which is quite unfortunate (we’ve opted to do the hormone-free IUD for health reasons so skipping it isn’t a possibility), and I have brought it up to him and asked him if it would bother him or gross him out to have sex on my period (mentioning that it is very likely I would be on it the first time we have sex), and he really wasn’t sure as he has never experienced that before– he is more concerned about causing me pain due to cramping which I’m not sure about either (sure, I’m a little sore/crampy but that is what ibuprofen is for).
So maybe this is a different question: any advice for being on your period the first night? I also don’t want to freak him out with a bloody show– I’m used to it and kind of indifferent about the blood but he is not
If he’s never seen a woman naked before, then he won’t have anything to compare with and so won’t know if you have more or less pubic hair than other women. You are, to him, normal and that’s how a naked woman should look.
As to being on your period, maybe you could speak to your doctor about using medication to delay it for a few days. My wife went on the pill at the beginning of our marriage, partly to delay her period. If that’s not possible, then you should talk about it with your fiance, but I don’t see why you couldn’t choose to make love for the first time a few days after your wedding if one or both of you would prefer that.
That’s fair to assume that he will not know anything else to compare it to, and reassuring to say the least– I still might bring it up beforehand to see what he expects.
Unfortunately, I shouldn’t use combined birth control pills as there is a strong family history of thromboembolism– aunts on both sides of the family have had DVT’s recently and antithrombin III deficiency runs in my family, and I’d rather not use progesterone only BC as I already get many of the “progesterone side effects” from regular PMS (breast tenderness, bloating, etc.) — my gynecologist seems to agree with me that hormonal bc wouldn’t be a good idea. I just went ahead and brought the period thing up to my fiance again, expressing my worries, and he was extremely reassuring. We’ll just play it by ear, and he says he is open to the mess involved– hopefully my cycle will be off anyway with all of the stress and changes happening the weeks before lol