For the Ladies: How do I get her back?
Question for the ladies:
I’ve been talking with a woman, and both of us like each other a lot (we did, at least). But I said something, that she took in the total opposite way that I intended, and now won’t speak to me. Here’s the timeline.
At the beginning of the week, we were talking on the phone. I’m a deep thinker, and love having theoretical discussions about subjects, outside of their personal application. So I asked her what she thought about a particular viewpoint, that was contrary to the one she holds. I did this purely from a desire to spark a discussion, and see if we could learn more about the subject together. I played devil’s advocate when she made particular assertions, not in an aggressive way, but merely asking her what she thought about the counter-point. She, being very passionate about the issue, took it as me taking the opposite position. I’m not going to specify precisely what the issue is, but suffice to say that it’s a very important, very sensitive theological issue.
The strange thing, is that she didn’t react negatively right away. We got together for a date two days later, and I thought we were at a “transition point” in our relationship. I was ready to progress things, so I asked her how she felt about me, and the relationship between us. She said that she liked me as much as ever, and that her feelings had only grown. That she wanted things to work out between us.
Shortly after said date, she sends me a text, telling me it’s over. As the reason, she gives me the issue I already described above. And tells me that I clearly have no respect for her beliefs, or her convictions, because I sought to invalidate them. When that was never ever my intent. I just wanted to have a discussion, and never meant to attack her point of view.
So, needless to say, her text nearly gave me a heart attack. And I’ve frantically been trying to explain, but she just responded by saying her feelings for me are gone, as a result of my disrespect towards her convictions. And asked me to stop contacting her.
How do I get through to her, and win her back? What can I do to revive the feelings that were there, before this misunderstanding took place?
Is this the same girl you posted about last month? The one that you were “talking to” that was a non-virgin?
It sounds as though you are not compatible, so why push it? Not everyone enjoys theoretical discussions and debate, which seems like something that you like to pursue. Bottom line, if a woman asks you to not contact her again, you do not contact her again. Otherwise, you are a stalker.
The first thing that comes to mind is, “Who breaks up in a text message?” Do you really want someone who would do that to you?
Second, it sounds like she definitely has had some help in deciding that you don’t respect her beliefs or convictions and that you seek to invalidate them, if she didn’t think that immediately. She may even think she came to the conclusion based on reflection alone, but have you considered whether there were any other reasons she might have felt she had to end the budding relationship. Could she have just found the “debate” to be a convenient excuse?
Third, I have always wondered about the phrase “devil’s advocate”. It literally means ADVOCATE–argue for, defend, take the side of THE DEVIL, you know, Satan, the evil one. Why do people think it is merely a game to argue the Devil’s point of view and wonder why it upsets people when they do? Maybe a better way to take a discussion deeper would be to ask open-ended questions like, “Why do you think that? Would it make a difference if… How did you come to that opinion? I’ve heard this opposite opinion; can you help me understand what’s wrong with it?” Ask her to help you learn and understand instead of expecting her to defend her view against a facetious attack.
Fourth, read your question above again and note your pronouns and verbs. Wherever you use “I” the verb is one of innocent intent, well-meaning, misunderstood actions. Whenever you use “she” the verbs are to say she misunderstood, she took it wrong, she won’t speak, she reacted negatively, she broke up in a mean way, she won’t listen, she refuses your explanation and cut off contact. In other words, “I’m” the victim, “she’s” the one behaving badly. Have you truly taken full responsibility in your heart for hurting her and damaging the growing relationship?
It strikes me that you should find a strong believer, a brother in Christ, in whom you can confide and on whom you can depend for good advice and example. In contemplating what you said about the other girl, and now this one, I wonder if you have some misconceptions about how relationships are supposed to work? I’m not trying to be harsh; it’s just something to consider.
God Bless your efforts to find love!! I’ll be praying for you!
You asked for answers from the ladies, and I most definitely don’t fit that description, but I may have a little bit to offer.
You didn’t say what the subject of the conversation was about, but from what you are saying, her reaction is less about you having differing views, than the way you made her feel. Playing devils advocate is one thing, but trampling on her feelings in the process is something else entirely. It sounds like that is how she felt about the interaction.
First of all, forgive me for saying this so bluntly, but it was a stupid thing to do at this stage of your relationship. Regardless of how you felt about the subject, if she perceived you were trying to “change her mind” about something she has deep convictions about, then it likely came across as you trying to change her to suit you(you aren’t quite what I am looking for, but with some minor adjustments”.
My wife and I have reached a point where we are mostly in agreement in most subjects, but we haven’t always been. One thing I am certain of is that I have never convinced her of anything, but I have occasionally caused damage in the relationship when I tried. A good rule to follow would be “dialogue, not debate”.
I don’t know how this will help you moving forward, but rather than focusing on whatever the subject was, it would probably be helpful for you to apologize for how you made her feel, rather than spending more time on the subject itself.
She told you not to contact her. Chase after her now, and you’re completely ignoring her wishes and being disrespectful. You say that you care, and the best way to show that is by listening to what she says and leaving her alone.
I’ve been in a similar situation, and I just dug myself into a deeper hole by chasing after the woman involved. We’re friends now but she explicitly told me afterwards that every time I contacted her rather than waiting for her to come to me it just pushed us further apart.
If she asks you to stop contacting her, you need to learn from your mistakes and move on. DO NOT continue to contact someone who asked you not to.
To everyone else, how do we feel about singles in this forum? I thought this was intended for marrieds. Isn’t the content completely inappropriate for singles?
@manalive, when they reformatted TMB, they dropped a lot of the old rules, including the one around singles. Personally, I have no problem with singles being a part. There’s not a better place for them to learn about marriage and sex, from a Christian perspective. Here is a much better alternative than where the majority of singles are learning. If a single can learn from the collective wisdom here, and from other people’s lessons and mistakes, think how much ahead their relationships and marriages can start! Think of how healthy their sex lives can be from the beginning!
Sorry you’re going through this. She might just need space for a few days. If she really loves you, she’ll come around and try to understand.
If she’s the type for emails, I would say, write and explain what you were doing, and make a thorough explanation of your real view. I’m the type to write out really long emails and that’s the kind of thing I would look for.
When people play devil’s advocate, then later say they weren’t serious, it takes a while for me to be convinced they really do believe what they say they believe. So if you can be just as passionate about that belief as she is (“preaching it”) hopefully she’ll see that it comes from your heart.
So if you send her a message like I described (maybe a couple days from now), ask her out and say you want to talk with her. If she’s willing to see you in person, that’s ideal because she can see your facial expressions to see you’re sincere.
It would be a bonus if you could show what you believe on social media (if you have facebook, etc.). Publicly sharing your beliefs would give her another reason to believe you.