For the ladies, what gets you out of your head?
Wifey has a hard time “shutting her brain off” and getting to a place where she can enjoy sex. Does anyone else struggle with this? What strategies work for you to shut out the noise and focus on time together with your spouse?
Taking things off my plate and saying “no” to other people and things….busyness is a true killer of intimacy in relationships.
Having an expected time together, whether it is informally or formally scheduled. This keeps the brain geared towards leaving space and energy towards it.
Having the chance to talk first about anything on my mind, but for me, that has to happen naturally, it can’t really be forced.
Once together, and I know this isn’t for everyone, a massage is a huge help. Focusing on how good it feels quiets my mind and anxieties. Once my husband had specific plans, and I was really bothered and angry over a haircut, and I knew my mind wouldn’t let it go and it would have ruined his night plans. I asked if he would rub my back first, because the very least it does is neutralize my mind, but often it goes beyond neutralizing my thoughts and goes into arousing me.
Knowing that the door is locked, and there’s no chance of being walked in on.
Having white noise is a huge help (but NOT music with lyrics, because then I am singing in my head the whole time 😉 ) We use a fan, The fan has a triple purpose. 1) It helps us from getting too hot once things start. 2) It helps camouflage our noises from the kids, who are often still up. 3) It camouflages the noise in the rest of the house (aka the kids), and that keeps me from getting distracted.
When stray thoughts pop into my mind during sex, I have to just be intentional to place them aside and bring my focus to something in the present.
DW has similar times as yours does. She has a full life with many things on the go. And as some people suggest, a woman’s brain is multitasking constantly and is interconnected like a plate of noodles, it takes effort to say no to those and it takes concentration to focus on sex.
As has been mentioned, locked door, white noise, etc. are helpful.
But for us other things include these:
that we have talked enough already that day to address the things that are on her mind.
We have been connecting throughout the day to massage our relationship.
We have been flirting or hinting at what is coming later.
The more I get into it, helps her get into it.
The more I have given her assurances that things will be okay (regarding her worries)
The more I bless you with compliments and good foreplay helps her focus better.
The biggest thing is having put in the preparation: flirting, touching, kissing, etc.
The second biggest thing is that I need a clean break between the brain blitz and trying to think romantically. Either a half hour to read, to chat (except that can too easily slip back into the chaos), or just sitting quietly together. But the key is he has to WAIT to try to make his moves until after I’ve cleared my brain a bit.