Friday, January 17, 2020: Today’s Question(s) of the Day
Have you ever read other couple’s experiences on The Marriage Bed and honestly have been jealous or desire to have what they have (secretly coveting)?
If so, why?
One example, a couple loves oral sex together however in your marriage bed, oral sex is shunned, given only once a year, or on special occasions? Or you are the only one who gives and your spouse does not. This is just one of many examples.
If you use to feel this way, how did God help you through it?
There are definitely sexual activities discussed here that I wish DW would add to our marriage bed. I handle this by first thanking God for my wife, and making sure I tell her as often as possible how much I love and appreciate all she does as a wife and mother. I also tell her the activities I would like to eventually incorporate in our marriage bed and ask that we work on something ‘new’ maybe once or twice a month. I am blessed that my DW has been open to changes, though things are going a bit more slowly than I prefer. I also remember that even if certain behaviors are still not part of our repertoire, the sex we do have has greatly improved over the time we have been intentionally working on improving our sex life.
I’m not sure I’d call it jealousy, because I’m happy for the good things that other people have. I am, however, often sad that I can’t have those same things in my own marriage. I believe that God meant for our marriage to be so much more than it is in the bedroom, but that’s just not where we are. I’ve struggled with this for decades, always hoping that my DW would one day have her own awakening, or that I would be able to change in ways that would help. But instead I keep moving on, one day at a time, seeking to keep my focus on Christ. Is that envy? I don’t desire that others would not have the wonderful relationships that they do, I just wish I could have that.
Yes. I have [whatever we are calling envy where we don’t wish to take it away from the other; only to also have it for ourselves] the wives of the men here who so actively ponder their relationships, their wives, spiritual issues, and what it means to be in love. My DH, as wonderful as his is, is just not very introspective. He will discuss a matter intellectually all day long, but if emotions or spiritual questions enter the conversation, he just changes the subject. Often can’t even identify how he is feeling, let alone talk about it.
But, I love him for who he is, not my imaginary version of him. He expresses his faith in action and his love for me in action, so I am learning to have faith in what I know to be true of him more than what I would feel more if he were able to communicate more eloquently. I tend to naval-gaze too much at times and can get so caught up in thinking about the best way to do something that I never start; his philosophy is just get started, we’ll get done sooner. So we complement each other.
I guess we are like two rough fit stones; marriage is the act of smoothing all our surfaces so we fit so tightly together there is not room for even a hair between us.
And just in case I have ever seemed to present one of those “perfect” pictures to anyone, it is only because of my rule of speaking positively about him to others. Whatever attitude about him I repeat most is the one I will feel the most deeply. So if I am transparent and admit there is something we struggle with, it is a conscious choice to balance that with positives for my own and his benefit, not to make us look falsely better to others. 😉