Friday, January 31, 2020 – Today’s Question(s) of Day

    Be transparent…

    What’s the most disappointing sex you have had with your spouse and why?

    Blanket on a secluded beach! Asked on January 31, 2020 in Senior Sex.
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    20 Answer(s)

      When she is not really interested in doing and did it for my sake only. Not fun.

      Fell out of ... Answered on January 31, 2020.
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        Former spouse? Pity/duty sex. That HURT!!!

        Current spouse? NOTHING…well, ok, when I came earlier than I wanted to a couple times..BUT in my defense, DW was(is) hot, got me going, kept stimulating and I was SOOOO turned on. To state in Creation Adam’s words, “It was the woman, it was her fault.”  😀

         

        Under the stars Answered on January 31, 2020.
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          When she has experienced pain – due to things related to menopause.

          Under the stars Answered on January 31, 2020.
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            When he’s made it all about himself, with very little to no consideration of me. It can make one feel unseen, unknown, and unloved.

            Under the stars Answered on January 31, 2020.
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              Anytime we had duty sex.  I despise that because I would rather not have sex than to have her do it because “it’s the wife’s duty.”

              Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on January 31, 2020.

              So as difficult as it might seem for some men, we quit doing duty sex or pity sex several years ago. Neither one of us enjoyed it and honestly, it is one of the best tings we did.

              on January 31, 2020.

              This is probably another question, but if a spouse is LD/responsive only, isn’t almost all sex in a way duty sex? I know that’s my situation, so my fulfillment is dependent on how she then responds when I initiate, or even how much enthusiasm she shows during sex. I can see how the LD spouse feels this puts pressure on them, but what’s the solution?

              on January 31, 2020.

              Agree, Tim. Spouses shouldn’t be so hostile/dismissive toward the “duty sex” behaviour unless it is met with eye rolls and a bad attitude.  I’ve been both (SOLELY due to hormones) and i tell you it is astounding what a world of difference it is. I liken it to hunger. If you are not  hungry at all, then food is just not going to be something you are going to think about or want, no matter what you do. If you are hungry, then you will approach food with anticipation and gusto, nothing you can do about that, either…. i do think if the LD spouse is a good willed spouse, then one should try to pray that they’ll be satisfied with the LD approach.  We’re probably never going to be wild cats in bed

              on January 31, 2020.

              SongofAngels is so correct. 

              There is a huge difference between duty sex and a LD drive spouse serving their spouse in love through sexual intimacy.  The difference is mindset, which is what the LD can control. In the case of serving their spouse, there is still resulting emotional intimacy and bonding and the warmth that comes from  bringing joy to the person you love.

              Almost certainly there area other areas of intimacy where the LD spouse has a greater need and the HD spouse has that same opportunity. Intimacy covers many areas, whether it is time in open communication, being each others biggest cheerleader, spending time doing things together.  In our case, I would rather read and play guitar in the evening, but my wife cherishes spending time when she gets home from work around 8pm just talking about whatever is on her mind. I do that because it makes her feel close to me and I love seeing her feeling satisfied and reassured about my love for her.  She may be LD in our relationship, but the time she spends making love with me gives me that same reassurance and her the same satisfaction.

              Honestly, unless it is the rare case where both partners drive is matched, there is going to be pressure on both the HD and the LD spouse.  But pressure can be either healthy and lead to growth or unhealthy and tear things down.  I would say stop expecting the LD spouse to want sex the same way you do. That is an unhealthy pressure on both of you. Bringing up your needs, and seeking out their needs, in order to help each of you understand the other and arrive at clear expectations of how you will love each other in their needs – that is a healthy pressure.

               

              on February 1, 2020.
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                When the words came out, “didn’t we just do this,” or “just get it over with.”

                Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on January 31, 2020.

                Heard those before, many times.

                on January 31, 2020.

                Now those are hurtful comments, Slip. 🙁

                on January 31, 2020.
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                  When he seems bored or in a hurry to get it done.

                  Under the stars Answered on January 31, 2020.
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                    Most disappointing is probably either when I climax too soon – like newwifenewlife, mostly because I have been too into foreplay with my very hot and erotic wife! – otherwise when my wife isn’t able to/doesn’t climax – she more often than not does, so on the occasions when she doesn’t I feel like either it’s because she’s not into it and it’s verging on duty sex, or because I have been unable to attend to her needs before mine.

                    Alternatively, it would be the times when I think we’re both on the same page about having sex now/later and then she falls asleep or stays up to watch TV or just continues to check Facebook on her phone.  Those times are the most disappointing sex we’ve never had though so I suppose that’s different haha!

                    Queen bed Answered on January 31, 2020.

                    I can relate to that! My wife turns into a Facebook zombie!

                    on January 31, 2020.

                    Mine too or watches t.v. constantly. There will be NO sex if her one of many favorite shows are on. Or the fall asleep on the couch thing.

                    on January 31, 2020.
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                      We almost never use wot positions because there have been a couple of times that she literally looked bored to tears. I mean this is supposed to be this great position for women to help themselves toward an O and she looks like she can’t find any kind of groove to get in and is nearly yawning. Seriously, that bored looking. I think the second time that happened was when I finally accepted that she’s just not going to get there thru PIV. It was, and still is on occasion a blow to my confidence, and one of the biggest disappointments in our marriage.

                      California King Answered on January 31, 2020.

                      I don’t want to take away from your experience of disappointment, because I know it is a real feeling and experience.  But in hopes that you don’t feel so alone, I know WOT is often touted as you said, but it is one of my least favorite positions.  It has the opposite effect on me than what it is “sold” as.

                      on January 31, 2020.

                      I can relate, Tim, I will close my eyes at times during lovemaking and one time my wife and I were doing WOT.  I immensely enjoy this position (because of less work for me..hee, hee).  I happened to open my eyes when we were in this position and she had her head resting on her right hand in the boring body language position.  Wow…

                      on January 31, 2020.

                      Thank you. I know everyone is different and there is certainly no one size fits all when it comes to positions. I think my disappointment was as much about giving up the hope for a PIV O for her. The wot position allows the man to go much longer and I was like we finally found a way I can go as long as you want and you’re not putting in much effort and getting nothing. This stinks! Anyway, we’ve moved on and I do my best to focus on all the positives instead of focusing on her lack of enjoyment/enthusiasm towards PIV.

                      on January 31, 2020.

                      @elevation
                      That’s the exact position my wife was in! After the second time I quit suggesting it because I was so tempted to become very upset.

                      on January 31, 2020.

                      I can relate as well…WOT is a rare occurrence for us. DW has had some powerful orgasms in WOT, but it is VERY rare that I can convince her to change it up from reliable ol’ missionary except once every 6 months or so…

                      Personally, if we haven’t tried a position regularly enough at least 3 times within a short time frame to work out all the kinks, figure out what feels good for both of us, and works the best, it’s too early to judge it!

                      on January 31, 2020.
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                        For me, it was when my wife said, “Okay, let’s hurry up and get this over with so I can go to sleep.” It was so painful to the point where my desire and drive went completely to zero and I had to excuse myself from the room. That was about 8 years ago during her gatekeeping/refusing phase.

                        Since then, things have improved, but most forms of duty sex are still painful. There are times that I’ll ask if she’s interested and she will respond with, “Um…well….uh….yeah, I guess so….”

                        It’s still hard for me to this day to initiate without the fear of rejection.

                        Queen bed Answered on January 31, 2020.

                        Heard that too, it is late, don’t take too long.

                        on January 31, 2020.
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