Getting an O
Hello, I have a question for the wonderful women here.
Getting an O is a great experience. I understand some women do not get an O during every LM. I guess it could be due to a number of factors. I want to believe that maybe the man did not have enough experience and may not have performed well.
Please do share some tips with us on what makes you get an O.
Believing as you do “….that maybe the man did not have enough experience and may not have performed well.” will set up a man, and a couple, for a LOT of frustration.
First, learn the facts. They are finding that the distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening makes a significant difference on whether a woman can orgasm from PIV alone. There is no changing the way your woman is created.
Second, learn YOUR woman. Because everyone is unique, what might work for one woman may do nothing for another. When I have tried to be like others and how I have heard what many men desire, that nixed my ability to orgasm because it took away my ability to focus. That ended up being a lesson for both of us, and my husband learned to appreciate my own ways.
For me to orgasm during intercourse, the ability to focus my mind is the biggest factor. I also need stimulation of a pleasurable focal point in the vagina. This changes from one encounter to the next. Clitoral stimulation is a need also, his body can naturally rub it in certain positions, but using a bullet vibe between our bodies makes it so much easier and quicker, it is almost a 100% guarantor of an O.
It has taken a lot of time (12 years of marriage) to find what works, and what doesn’t, once the love making begins (the getting things started is a whole other thing). I personally don’t feel it is a requirement to have an O for it to be a great lovemaking experience, although it is nice when it does happen. Some issues may stem from lack of experience (hence the 12 years and still figuring it out), but a lot of it is feeling safe and comfortable together in the moment. The best ones have been when we are together, stress free and just relaxed… it is also significantly easier when we are both praying and in the word for our marriage. I personally had difficulty getting to a really great O until we found the Womanizer toy (terrible name, but amazing results!!!). Other ways of reaching the big O could leave sensitive areas tender and sore, thus making it less enjoyable. Using the toy above together with an already enjoyable time of lovemaking time together is a great recipe for enjoyment on both parts in our home.
You have received some very helpful advice already. That pleases me!
Most women will need additional stimulation of their clitoris to reach orgasm. As SC correctly mentioned the proximity of the clitoris to the vagina is a significant factor along with the level of sensitivity of the clitoris and perhaps even it’s size or degree of prominence. In addition, where her mind is at – little or no distraction or worries and lots of focus. Feelings of security, warmth, and acceptance also aid the process. Plus, adequate foreplay is also a major factor in reaching an O. Furthermore, in many cases (but not all) reaching one or more Os prior to PIV helps reach one during PIV.
Another factor to consider is this. Some women who have never experienced an O, may think they have reached O even though it is only the case that they are aroused. So, if one has not experienced an O, it can be an issue of not knowing what one is seeking – or even to think one has achieved it when they haven’t.
Great thoughts from the Marriage Bed regulars, as expected. I want to emphasize some of the points made by SC and one_woman_man. My DW absolutely needs to be in the right mental space for her to O. If she is not in the correct mental space, then she will not O even if all the physical actions are the same. Also, DW cannot at this point O from PIV; hence, we always take care of her before we start PIV using a sex toy (usually a wand type vibrator). Once she has had an O via the toy, PIV is much more pleasurable for her.
One thing that took us a while to really grasp is that using a vibrator is not an insult to or a replacement for him. For the longest time, even though we had discovered the wonderful results, I think DH still felt that he was somehow inadequate or “not doing his job” because I couldn’t get there before he did (and he was then uncomfortable to continue love play) using only our bodies. A 6″ variable speed wand vibrator made a world of difference for me, but every now and again he would make a comment about the vibe doing the job and not really himself, and he sometimes seemed reluctant to use it.
FINALLY, I think I have gotten him to accept that it is just like any other tool: it is still him doing the “work”, he wields the tool with expertise and without him, the tool is much less effective, if not completely useless. (Truly, I can’t use it on myself anywhere NEAR as pleasurably as he can use it on me!)
And of course, as others have said, I must be in the right headspace and mentally aroused or even that won’t work.