Getting over the mountain, Oral Sex on the wife.
Wife and I are trying to get her first O ever.
Ive been performing OS on her to her great delight, but there’s like this point where the car runs out of gas before the finish line. I’ve performed for 30-60 minutes before and still nothing. Now there are some other relationship issues that we’ve been working on that have hindered her mind in the past, and we’re working on that.
But assuming that’s not the issue, and focusing on technique, I’m open to tips.
Here’s how it usually goes:
Long deep kissing for a couple minutes
Add rubbing all over body (clothed) for about 5 minutes
Focused petting (clothed) for another 5 or so.
Focused petting (over underwear)
Both get naked
Still long deep kissing the whole time
Kiss my way down to vulva
A little tongue in and out
gently suck clitoris
tongue above and below
only direct tongue on the pearl at maximum arousal and for only a moment (she gets ticklish easy there)
Add a finger inside rubbing the top/front (gspot)
Keep doing that while tonguing over Hood in circles, Bottom in big strokes, direct clitoris in short motions, gentle sucking
Add in second finger (two is maximum for her comfort)
Repeat all that for a long time, other hand is just wandering over her body
She’s responding, laying back, rubbing my head and my back. When she starts digging her fingers in and exhaling loud I know she’s liking it.
This can go anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour, until eventually she slowly stops with the digging and exhaling and taps out on my shoulder and says, “you’re good. You can stop”.
Then we just finish up with PIV and delight in the experience but hope for a better result next time.
What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do that I’m not doing already?
So the wife says she is “open” to a vibrator, but she also says “I don’t think we need that just yet”. That saga is documented here.
We’re actually in a great place right now. We’ve both read The Naked Marriage by Dave and Ashley Willis and I think a lot of things just clicked with her in regard to our sex life. I just want so badly for her to “get there” and now she wants to as well. There’s just that mountain in the way.
As I’ve shared before, this was us early in marriage (and even before marriage). I’d give her OS combined with internal digital stimulation for extended times: 2 hours once, plenty of times over an hour, and many times over 30 min. She’d show all sorts of signs of massive pleasure and an approaching O, but it never happened. In the end, she’d be “overstimulated” and we’d be done. Worse, that’d leave her uncomfortably aroused without release, which eventually led to us not doing those longer sessions. And now it’s possible neither of us give or receive OS ever again (I’m guessing we probably will, but the possibility of “never” is very real right now). So yes, we’ve BTDT.
I appreciated your “steamy alert”, and your description of the physical actions you do sounds reasonable and brought back lots of good memories for me. Thanks for that; plus it sounds like your DW is in a good headspace for this. But here’s the deal–every woman is so different that no one here will be able to tell you what to do. Heck, even your DW won’t be able to tell you. On top of that, the best “approach” is not going to be the same every time. For us, we didn’t figure it out. 12 yr married plus over a year of OS before marriage…no O.
All that said, I wanted to give one possibility and an analogy of what might be going on:
Simply put, there is the possibility that she just cannot O from OS or even OS+fingers. You may wonder how that’s possible since OS is the most pleasurable thing for her (as it was for my DW). Although highly related, pleasure and orgasm aren’t the same thing, or rather what gives pleasurable sensations on the path to orgasm can change. The best example I have for men for this is, in fact, OS and MS on men. Back in the day, I actually did receive quite a bit of OS. But I never O’d from it even though it was supremely pleasurable both physically and mentally. My “O Trigger” typically seems to be thrusting-type stimulation on the middle and base of the penis, whereas the OS only stimulated the glans/frenulum (although apparently extended frenulum stimulation can lead to O after a long time–see “The Male Clitoris”: Frenulum Technique – Married Christian Sex). Now, my DW had also never given me MS (a handjob) to completion either, as her arm/hand would tire out first. Just a few months ago, I wanted to remedy that and got an idea for how to do it. When on her period, she was giving me MS; she wanted to start with stroking, but I instructed her not to and instead to use her fingers for light/gentle touches, particularly around the glans/frenulum. This was much more pleasurable than any stroke at that stage of my arousal path, and it led to very quick “full power” status. Once I was at that level of arousal, I gave her the go and it was quite easy/quick for her to finish me with the normal strokes. She was so proud of herself! Point is, you may have to mix things up once she hits/gets near the peak of her arousal OR gets stuck on a plateau.
Here’s the analogy I wanted to give–imagine that her O is this nice beach at the lake. You want to reach the beach, it’s an O. Problem is, it’s 30 miles away. Your default movement in life is to walk/run, which is PIV in this analogy. Problem is, you can’t realistically run more than 10-25% of the distance, you simply don’t have the stamina and she will be sore for days. Oh, but what about a bicycle, which is MS in this analogy? Well, that’ll take two hours, your wife will STILL be sore for days, AND there’s a no-bike section on the road there. But wait, what about our convertible, which is OS in this analogy? It’ll do 0 to 60 in 5.2 (anyone get that reference?), and it’s so fun to drive! So…you do it…but when you get to the beach after 30 min, you realize that there’s a fence keeping cars off the beach, and you have to park 100 ft away from the beach. You can see it, smell it, taste it, and could even throw a ball there…but can’t get there in the car. Driving through the fence would break everything, so you end up driving around the parking lot for another hour until it gets dark and the beach is closed. 🙁
Essentially, what happened is you took the car for the path it was best suited for, but eventually the path changed. Staying in the car won’t fix it. BUT, you could park the car in the lot and go by foot or even on bike to the beach for those last 100 ft! Heck, you might be on foot pushing her on the bike (PIV with her stimulating her clit) until she gets to the beach. Point is, once you reach that level of arousal (proximity to the beach), all sorts of new options open that weren’t viable earlier on.
Now, of course you don’t actually know the path yet. On the other side of the fence could be a 5-mile stretch of steep downhill that you can’t do on foot (PIV) without injury but would be a 10-min coast on a bike (MS). Only exploration will show you a path, and the path will change regularly. However, the more practice you get, the less fog will be in the way to hinder your line of site in choosing the right one.
As for us, we never did find the “proper” path to the beach. Instead, we just bought the Iron Man Suit (PIV+vibe), which can walk, fly, and go underwater. Worked for us and we love it!
Ok, so here are some non-technique options both related and unrelated to the analogy above:
- Be willing to take a dive into something else as she nears peak arousal and the plateau. MS of the clitoris, PIV, or PIV+MS are all options. It seems risky when OS has worked so well for 30 min, but it may pay off. I’d especially promote this if your DW is comfortable self stimulating…with our without concurrent PIV. She may be shocked at how good PIV and/or MS feels at the peak of her arousal.
- Be willing to switch BACK to OS after the other stimulation. Even if the others didn’t seem to get her off the plateau, the short break from OS and differences in sensation might be all she needs. Also, this is true even if you ejaculate inside her. Many wives find their DH’s ejaculating inside of them to be extremely arousing, so some OS right after that might do it too.
- Her cycle is wildly important in all of this. Familiarize yourself with the hormonal changes of the cycle. What you’ll see in that linked plot is that almost each day of the cycle brings its own unique hormone levels. Look for patterns in arousal from your DW–every woman is different. The most common recommendations are to try to reach O around ovulation (the end of the Follicular Phase on that plot, though sometimes termed its own “Ovulatory Phase”). However, that is a tough time for us. My DW is quite sexually interested at that time, but O can some months be incredibly difficult at that time (even though she shows the signs of being near O even 4 minutes into a session, it may be another hour before she gets there). For us, the early-mid Follicular Phase is usually the best (including the last day of her period), late Luteal Phase can be good, and early Luteal Phase can be Death Valley. YMMV
- Even though her cycle is important, no two months are exactly the same. Back pre-O, we really had her arousal patterns down and knew her in and out…but the O just doesn’t line up with those patterns. So frustrating!
- Be priming her for sex the entire day. Hints, innuendoes, sexting, light touches, special glances…all starting in the morning, you get the drill. Maybe even try “a day of sex“. Get the fire burning inside her BEFORE you start the trek for the finale!
- For the vibe, consider sourcing out a good, high-quality vibe with a range of settings, showing it to your DW on Married Dance, and telling her you intend to purchase it unless she objects. Doing this makes you a leader but gives her the option to opt out, reducing pressure on her. If she is okay with that, tell her it will be clean and charged if she ever wants to try it, which she might be more open to at the peak of arousal. We had our vibes a month before she tried one on her clitoris.
There’s probably tons more that I can say (assuming you’ve read all this), but the point is, just keep plugging away, aiming for the pleasure, and having a good time! Clearly all the above is just my opinion, so take or leave any/all parts of it!
(I may have to rest my fingers after typing all that.)
Have you read or listened to “She Comes First”? (Our library has it on audio and my husband and I listened to it on a trip.) Anyway, if I recall correctly, a large thrust of that book is around cunninglus and different techniques. You might find it to be a great resource for this.
As a female, for me the tongue muscle isn’t enough pressure for me to O. My hubs will often bring me close to O with his hand or a vibe for clitoral stimulation then when I feel like Im very close, Ill tell him to use his mouth and I can finish that way.
PPK, hats off to you for dedication, effort, etc.! I’m also pleased to see how this is a joint effort for you two – often one is enthusiastic about trying and the other, to varying degrees the lessor.
There are a number of people here who could share how because they didn’t give up, but kept on their mutual pursuit of their goal, they were successful! So, I commend you for your diligence and encourage you to not easily loose heart.
However, 60 minutes is a long time for any behavior – enjoyable as OS is! Also, as is commonly known, not all DWs are able to have an O, or have one during PIV, or enjoy one from OS or manual, etc. I don’t mean to discourage you. But that is the reality for some (yes, for too many) fine couples out there. Some of course, can O much more easily, be it PIV, orally or manually. I’m happy for them.
I want you to not to forget to be include realism in your pursuit. And that you not make the O, or Oing by OS, the ultimate goal. I’m not saying you have, just wanting to caution you in that. For many DWs, using a vibe is the only way they ever have an O. Nothing wrong with that either – providing, I would say, they have adequately tried without one first.
Sure, keep studying your DW, learn what you can from reading, TMB, etc. but also graciously accept what you have both been given and have already achieved in your marriage bed. More is still possible, not guaranteed for any of us.
To answer @NWNL’s question–@PPK’s wife has never O’d, and they are looking to achieve it for the first time. Here are some of his relevant past posts for more context:
Will she ever meet me here in sunshine? (this is the most relevant one)
@PPK – if I’m stepping over the line by adding this context, please let me know and I will delete this answer.
I don’t want to share TMI, so this is a bit tricky.
Oral and finger/toy insertion will almost always get my wife over the edge. If things don’t seem to be working out, tho, 2 fingers seems to be the correct technique. Having said that, only one is inserted in her vagina. The other is shallowly inserted in her anus.
Not sure how you or your wife feel about that, but I honestly can’t think of a time where it failed to bring my wife to orgasm.
Oh, lots of saliva or other lube is probably a good idea.
How about adding a sex toy to the action? A vibrator would be my first thought. Something that will stimulate her clitoris. Have her use it on herself while you give her oral that way your hands free to do whatever you want. A dido would be a great add as well.
As far as OS goes, SHE COMES FIRST is a great book for technique. Are you asking about O’ing from OS or her first O?
A few questions to consider, why not spend more time with manual stimulation before trying OS on her? (Some women need to be more aroused before enjoying it and if not at the right moment, it might not do much of anything.) What about gettin her completely turned on with manual stimulation OR yes, a vibrator and then move to OS? If an O has not occurred, what is the hesitation in trying some type of vibe? It doesn’t have to be an expensive or insertable one to start?
If she’s not O’d yet at all, then I’d suggest looking into some massage and then moving to sensual & erotic massage. This takes time and effort. I’m not talking 5 minutes. I’m talking 30-60 minutes. It is a giving act. Then it can move into an erotic massage. Where you might sit in front of your wife facing her with her legs draped over yours and your private areas touching or almost. Then you can slowly apply oil and massage her vulva with time tenderness and go from there, again taking things SLOWLY so that dear wife is moving and creating the pressure and pleasure she wants. Ultimately, I’d encourage you to schedule some times of sexploration, times set aside without distraction to pursue discovering what is pleasurable, NOT in pursuit of the O, just what feels good and how her body responds, including differing times of the month. Ask for feedback from her, listen, respond and become one with each other’s bodies.
From your description, in all honesty, I don’t think you are doing anything wrong.
If you or DW are unhappy with the experience, did you ask your wife what she thinks is missing?
We do pretty much the same and it works. By and large, however, there are two scenarios: either DW has an orgasm within about 10 minutes or – rarely – she tells me she’s not in the mood and we give up.
If that is your typical pattern, you might try mixing it up some instead of the same routine. Are you both relaxed and enjoying the moment or so focused on the O that you can’t relax and go with the flow? I also like what @frost suggested by having your wife use the vibrator and you watch and fondle as extra stimulation. Sometimes I will be using the vibrator on my wife and she’ll take it because she knows the right spot I’m obviously not hitting. If she is open to a vibrator but not there yet, is she comfortable stimulating herself with her hand to provide some direction to you in what feels good to her, etc. (although just because it worked this time doesn’t mean it will the next time). Try different things for stimulation. You talk about clothes on/clothes off. How about using a feather or other type of material for her body and mind to say “oh, that’s different, I like that”? Have fun and experiment but also has been suggested by others, educate.