Great explanation on Responsive Desire & Spontaneous Desire that helped us understand ourselves.
I listen or read various Christian based podcasts and blogs as time permits, mainly while driving (listen not reading while driving). I really like Uncovering Intimacy with his commitment to answering questions and concerns with alignment to scripture first and foremost. In September, he blogged and produced a podcast explaining the differences between responsive desire and spontaneous desire and how they both are a blessing. Honestly it really helped us. One thing that really hit home, regardless if your a responsive desire or spontaneous desire spouse is the following statement.
“And that’s a blessing. These small tests of character help us exercise our will. They’re practice in leaning on God, on dying to self, on choosing to love and be more Christ-like. They teach us to be content in whatever situation we find ourselves, even when we don’t get what we want. In this way, our sex life becomes a training ground for life. These small moments can add up to large changes that can have effects in all aspects of life.”
Being content is what the Apostle Paul said in Philippians 4:10-13.
Absolutely agree with this. The responsive-desire post came out shortly after I (Scott, the DH) began to realize that Zelda’s (the DW’s) type of desire was a blessing, even if I was having trouble understanding and putting words to how it was a blessing. So I thoroughly enjoyed that post, but then was faced with the next one about spontaneous desire being a blessing. This was a tough pill for me to swallow since it was about my own drive, which I have felt is a curse and have asked to be rid of it. But in the end, I got quite a bit out of both.
We actually had me read both of these out loud to Zelda in bed before going to sleep over the course of a few nights. (The podcasts are available in text almost word for word.) We both got a lot out of that, and it led to some good, vulnerable discussions. We still occasionally joke about the Santee, and I still may come up with a new move and give it that name 😆
When I started “drinking from the firehose” of married Christian sex blogs/forums last summer, Uncovering Intimacy was the blog that helped me the most. Jay is just the right mix of technical/logical/theological to speak to Zelda and I. He and his wife’s story is also similar to ours (though Zelda was never anywhere near that level of a gatekeeper/refuser). I do realize his view of solo M is more negative than most here, but you don’t have to agree with all of his theology to get something from his articles.
Also, another article that really helped us with understanding, accepting, and working with Zelda’s responsive desire was this one:
This reminds me of a book that I think I have (and have read the blurb for) but have not actually read yet–so many books, so little time–that posits that marriage is actually not meant to make us happy but instead to make us more Godly.