Had my first O but haven’t told my DH

    So a few weeks back, I had my first O.   I know I should be happy, but I’m not.   I got it when I was alone, and using a toy.

    I have secretly been using our toy,  after DH leaves for work.  Usually once a day, but sometimes twice.   I love playing with it, but when I actually had an orgasm, I was so shocked by the intense pleasure, I started to cry.  I became emotional.

    I feel like I have cheated on my husband.  I still use the toy and I O almost every time .  I think I am realizing what sex is supposed to feel like and what I have been missing out on.

    I need to tell my husband.  I want him to know I can orgasm.  But how do I do that without crushing his ego?

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      Hello.  One thing to remember is that everyone here has a wide variety of beliefs, so remember that my views here are simply that.

      I introduced a toy for my DW within the last year or so due to my DW having issues reaching O during our LM.  It didn’t hurt my ego at all – in fact, I love it as it gets her (and therefore me) in to our session.  If your husband wrestles with that, I would suggest he study it more (and more from a scientific/case study standpoint.)  The media, health magazines, and of course porn has been teaching lies on this subject for years – that a man’s ability/size is what leads women to O.  It’s simply not the case.

      Having said that, I think there’s a bigger issue here.  I think the fact that you have guilt surrounding this is good – I think that you know you’re depriving your husband of sharing your sexual pleasure, and that you should confess that to him (and God.)  This is just my conviction, but the marriage bed and sex is supposed to grow you and your DH together.  However, it sounds like your current experience is actually driving you apart – you are doing it in secret, without him, and more frequently.  On a certain level, you are writing him out of your sexual experience.  I think he will be far more hurt that you weren’t sharing this experience with him than that you are looking to toys to reach O.  I think once there’s been reconciliation, you should find something that works for the both of you.  Maybe, before heading out for work, he can please you with the toy (and maybe you can return the favor by taking care of him.)  That way, both the quantity and quality of your needs are being met but it’s shared with your DH to grow your intimacy, vulnerability, and life closer together instead of becoming a wedge.

      Queen bed Answered on February 8, 2020.
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        Congrats on having your first orgasm(s)!

        I’m sure you have been consider the various options. You haven’t shared what kind of toy you are using. Depending on what you are using – it may impact his ego differently.

        If it is an external vibe you could do a direct, upfront sharing of what you have been doing. Or, you could explain you bought a toy and want his help in using it. As you both share the experience together, perhaps what he did with the toy would get you to another O by you coaching him about what feels good (as you already know that). Or, you could both hold the toy and you direct it to the way in which you like it. After getting there, you could rejoice in getting there together and then you could share the rest of the story

        If you are using a dildo the way you bring this up might be totally different, as it could be perceived in a totally different way.

        Or, you could come to him in humility and openness and explain how you have wanted to O and you have taking things into your own hands and explain how badly you fee.

        That’s what comes to mind for now.

        Under the stars Answered on February 8, 2020.
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          Speaking for my views as a DH;

          I remember when my DW came home from a lingerie party with her first toy. Just a little vibrating egg, but I couldn’t wait to see her show me how it worked, and work for her it did! It came in handy when I was away on business, which also worked for me when I thought about her using it. Thinking about it, if she had got it, and not told me, and I found out later, the thought of her using it alone, STILL arouses me!

          I had no hurt feelings, or damaged ego. None of the other toys we both bought for her after that, either. Fact is, it’s always hot to think about. I think you need to tell him, and I also think he will be thrilled that you finally O’d. I also think it will be even better when you two do it together!

          Hammock Answered on February 8, 2020.
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            My wife has, to the best of my knowledge, never orgasmed from IC or from my own hand, even though she enjoys both. She orgasms from her vibrator. And it works for us; we’ll have IC (using our hands to get the other ready) and then after I come and am still inside, I grab the vibrator from the side of the bed, hand it to her, and she uses it to come with me to still inside. In my ideal world, IC with me would cause her to have epic orgasms that cause geologists to think we live in a seismically active zone. But perfect can’t be the enemy of the good. And in any case, I don’t feel that she loves me less or that I’m somehow bad at sex because I alone can’t make her orgasm.

            My wife’s vibrator isn’t in competition with me but rather is an aid not just to my DW but to our shared happiness as a couple. And of course it’s much easier to say that since it is part of our time together rather than something my DW hides from me. And I don’t even really remember how my DW decided to get a vibrator or how long it took for her to tell me about it. I’m not trying to defend secret sexual activity among married people just because it doesn’t involve porn or another person. But I do think grace is needed too and that it wouldn’t be at all helpful for me to worry too much about how and when my DW decided she’d get a vibrator and try it out. All I know is that she did tell me about it and was open about it and I think we’re in a good place because of that.

            In thinking of my own body, in my ideal world, I also wouldn’t need to rely on Viagra to get hard. The fact that I do though doesn’t mean I love my DW less or that she is somehow inadequate. And my point isn’t to equate dependency on Viagra for an erection with dependency on a vibrator or toy to come but rather to point out that people have biological or mental quirks that keep us from the sexual ideals we may have built up in our head over my years, and we don’t have to let our misplaced expectations keep us from intimacy and love. I’d say it’s good to introduce toys/vibrators into the marriage and have them be part of the intimate experience.

            Queen bed Answered on February 9, 2020.

            Very well said!

            on February 10, 2020.
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              You have a very positive challenge! Yes, you do need to tell your husband the good news. Importantly, you need to talk about masturbation and use of toys. Be honest with each other about masturbation and martial aids. Do the two of you have agreement about masturbation? About the use of toys? Do talk with him as soon as possible.

              You may be delightfully (quite likely) surprised that he sees masturbation and the use of toys with and without him, just fine even quite positive. Husbands delight in the orgasms of their wives. 


              Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on February 8, 2020.
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                My DW got her first orgasm ever a couple of years after we got married and while masturbating without me. After that, we did it together and got better and better at it together.

                I was sad and disappointed when she told me quite some time later that the first orgasm she had together with me wasn’t her first, which I had thought and been very happy and proud of after years of trying. I was not disappointed at all that she was masturbating and finally had an orgasm on her own. I think that was SO HOT to know, and that is why I was/am disappointed that she didn’t tell me about it right away. We had been trying for so long and she knew how I longed for her to orgasm, and then she didn’t tell me when she had.

                So, from this experience, which seems a bit like your situation, my advice is to tell him very soon that you finally have managed to have orgasm(s) and that you masturbate. Ask if he would like to join in and experience it together with you. I bet he thinks it’s hot and that he would like to be with you in that moment…


                King bed Answered on February 8, 2020.
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                  If I remember rightly, you posted a while back saying that you were having difficulty reaching orgasm with your husband and that you’d bought a toy and were enjoying it, but had decided to stop using it.

                  If that’s the case, I assume that your husband knows you have a toy, but you’ve told him you’re not going to use it because you want your first orgasm to come from him.

                  He’ll probably feel lied to when you tell him. However, there is also a positive here in that you now know how to reach orgasm, and if you incorporate a toy in your lovemaking can probably have multiple orgasms.

                  Fell out of ... Answered on February 8, 2020.
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                    It may border on tmi, but are you talking about a vibrator or a dildo of some kind? As someone posted above, it might make a difference in how you approach this with hubby because of what you say here:
                    “But I didn’t stop using it. It almost felt taboo. Like I was having an affair with a huge lover.”

                    Both types can be fun and erotic for both of you. But most of these replies are talking about vibrators. I thought I remembered you commenting on hubby maybe being smaller than average. Most women don’t seem to care at all about size, but you seem to be having some issues. I’m not suggesting you and hubby not have fun with toys, but you definitely need to be careful as men can be very sensitive about the subject, especially if he believes you are a size queen.

                    California King Answered on February 9, 2020.
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                      If it was my wife, I would be happy and congratulate her, and I would buy her one toy more.

                      King bed Answered on February 9, 2020.
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                        I feel for you, I truly do. Your concern for this leaps off the screen. I’m so glad you have asked for help.

                        First, it does seem as though your husband’s size is something that is bothering you. Please remember that he is fearfully and wonderfully made by the same God who made all of us. Marriage, as I’ve learned over 20 years, is a beautiful part of God’s design for us to learn the fruits of the Spirit. We grow more like Christ as we learn to accept our spouse for who they are.

                        Second, that isn’t to say that you can’t enjoy sex. God designed it to be enjoyed. There is nothing scripturally wrong with sex toys. We do have to be careful if we start to turn them into a fetish. If you’re thinking about it while making love with your husband, then you’re depriving yourself of the intense love that is shared between man and wife. That’s not fair to either of you. However, it could be your guilt that’s driving your thoughts, not a fetish. Either way, you’ve got to deal with it quickly before it causes other issues.

                        Third, communication in marriage is key. Listen to what the gentlemen here have said about taking care of your husband’s feelings on the size issue. And then, take action. Tell him that you’ve learned how to have an orgasm with the toy. Tell him that you want to share that experience with him, because you know it will be better if he’s part of it. I would even tell him about the guilt you have for using it alone. That guilt means that you feel incomplete without his presence, and he deserves to know that.

                        Ask if you can show him how to use it on you. You bought the toy to use together, after all. It’s going to be better if he’s part of it. Clearly, he’s amenable to it because of what you posted earlier. That’s a very good thing, because it shows he wants to keep your marriage bed a happy place for both of you. There are men who don’t care about that. You’ve got yourself a good husband. You’re just still newlywed and figuring out how your specific sex life will be. That’s not only normal, it should be celebrated.

                        Finally, have a discussion with him about what will be an acceptable use of the toy in your marriage. Only the two of you can decide what’s best for you, and he has the right to be part of that decision.

                        I’m praying for you as you handle this. Marriage throws challenges our way that grow us as humans and cause us to draw nearer to Christ. You’re just now discovering this, and you’re going to come out stronger for it.

                        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on February 9, 2020.
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